From a Love Dungeon to the Love Shack
One of the repercussions for me of drinking a green tea latte at 10:30 pm at the local yuppie bookstore is that I don't manage to find sleep as soon as I might like. This leaves me ample opportunity to make important changes to my MySpace page and my MySpace blog. In tonight's case, I did both. As you can see, Valentine's Day is in the past, and St. Patrick's Day is on the horizon.
But before I move on, I do want to report that I survived the day without being captured and placed in any would-be stalker's love dungeon. And for the record, as it has become a matter of some discussion, should I find myself at the bottom of a well, putting lotion on my skin at any point in the future, my dog and my TV are to be left to no one. Marnie is to be set loose on the street. My plasma screen TV is to be placed in a vacuum sealed chamber to protect it from dust and aging, in case I should ever return. Everything else is to be burned on a pyre in honor of my memory.
And also with the passing of Valentine's Day, I want to announce officially that I am willing to be courted.* You heard me right. I am willing to be courted. And why not? I am a young, disease free, athletic, good looking, warrior-Poet, money-making, street-wIse Hercules, hot and getting hotter, soon to be hoMe owning, attorney. Statistically sPeaking, I am rare and valuable. Let the market speak on this issue. (Aside: I am told that Edmond will not allow me to place a faded sign on the side of the road that says "15 miles to the Love Shack" 15 miles from my home in all directions. That will not stop me, however, from referring to my jacuzzi room as "The Situation Room.")
So what am I looking for? Well, if you aren't certain that you are awesome, you need not apply. To clarify that one step further, if you are not told on a regular basis that you are awesome, chances are, you are not. That said, to be sure, I will also require all candidates to fill out a questionairre. Background checks may be performed. I'm a lawyer, I can do this. Please note also that I have little to no free time whatsoever. Seeing me infrequently will have to be something that can be dealt with in a rational way. (Candidates should feel free to devote that time to writing sonnets about my virtues.) And before I get questions about it, up-to-date "full body shot" pictures will be provided only after a satisfactory initial inquiry.
So why did I suddenly become concerned with the "fairer" sex, which has smaller brains and weaker arms? Barack Obama. If what I've read online is true, he is the embodiment of evil. ("It's an ObamaNation!" or "The ObamaNation that Maketh Desolation!") Meaning also that the Seven Seals will probably soon be opened and that the End of Days is coming soon. That doesn't provide me with much time to leave a genetic legacy - a genetic legacy that will probably grow up to lead a revolution against the coming empire. And even assuming we ban together and elect John McCain, he has a very Emperor Palpatine** quality about him. So this imminent doom is imminent either way.
So there you have it. I'm not in a love dungeon. And I am not yet in a love shack. Get to work, Nation.
*This wasn't my own idea. A fellow attorney, and former co-worker is responsible for this. However, it is my goal to take it to another level.
** Star Wars Reference Alert. If you are not down with the occasional nerdy pop-culture reference, you are not awesome.
But before I move on, I do want to report that I survived the day without being captured and placed in any would-be stalker's love dungeon. And for the record, as it has become a matter of some discussion, should I find myself at the bottom of a well, putting lotion on my skin at any point in the future, my dog and my TV are to be left to no one. Marnie is to be set loose on the street. My plasma screen TV is to be placed in a vacuum sealed chamber to protect it from dust and aging, in case I should ever return. Everything else is to be burned on a pyre in honor of my memory.
And also with the passing of Valentine's Day, I want to announce officially that I am willing to be courted.* You heard me right. I am willing to be courted. And why not? I am a young, disease free, athletic, good looking, warrior-Poet, money-making, street-wIse Hercules, hot and getting hotter, soon to be hoMe owning, attorney. Statistically sPeaking, I am rare and valuable. Let the market speak on this issue. (Aside: I am told that Edmond will not allow me to place a faded sign on the side of the road that says "15 miles to the Love Shack" 15 miles from my home in all directions. That will not stop me, however, from referring to my jacuzzi room as "The Situation Room.")
So what am I looking for? Well, if you aren't certain that you are awesome, you need not apply. To clarify that one step further, if you are not told on a regular basis that you are awesome, chances are, you are not. That said, to be sure, I will also require all candidates to fill out a questionairre. Background checks may be performed. I'm a lawyer, I can do this. Please note also that I have little to no free time whatsoever. Seeing me infrequently will have to be something that can be dealt with in a rational way. (Candidates should feel free to devote that time to writing sonnets about my virtues.) And before I get questions about it, up-to-date "full body shot" pictures will be provided only after a satisfactory initial inquiry.
So why did I suddenly become concerned with the "fairer" sex, which has smaller brains and weaker arms? Barack Obama. If what I've read online is true, he is the embodiment of evil. ("It's an ObamaNation!" or "The ObamaNation that Maketh Desolation!") Meaning also that the Seven Seals will probably soon be opened and that the End of Days is coming soon. That doesn't provide me with much time to leave a genetic legacy - a genetic legacy that will probably grow up to lead a revolution against the coming empire. And even assuming we ban together and elect John McCain, he has a very Emperor Palpatine** quality about him. So this imminent doom is imminent either way.
So there you have it. I'm not in a love dungeon. And I am not yet in a love shack. Get to work, Nation.
*This wasn't my own idea. A fellow attorney, and former co-worker is responsible for this. However, it is my goal to take it to another level.
** Star Wars Reference Alert. If you are not down with the occasional nerdy pop-culture reference, you are not awesome.