Bad, Bad Play
Well, well, well...
just a random post. Had to write a "bad scene" for my Play-writing class, and I'm pretty sure mine was the worst. ....Which means... it was ....the best?
Oh well. I'm just gonna toss it up here for lack of anything better to do, and for a guideline of things I should avoid.
Joe Fox
Bad Scene
CHARACTERS
JOSEPH - An old man. Husband.
AGNES - An old woman. Wife.
JENNY - A nurse.
GERALD - A college student.
EVANY - A lawyer.
ROSS - The main character
LACEY- ROSS’s wife.
GERLAD - ???
(Setting: A bus stop on a cold, snowy day. The five commuters stand side by side, waiting for the bus.)
AGNES
It’s cold as shit.
JOSEPH
Shh, my old wife.
(GERALD removes his headphones.)
GERALD
Dudes. Why isn’t the bus here?
EVANY
I believe it is late. Let me check.
(EVANY opens her schedule and scans the page, frowning. There is a ten second pause.)
AGNES
... It is colder than shit.
JOSEPH
Shh, dear. Watch your language.
AGNES
Watch your shitty language.
EVANY
Yes. The bus is late.
GERALD
Oh. Then we will just have to wait.
(There is another ten second pause.)
AGNES
It’s colder than the coldest shit ever shitted.
JENNY
Doesn’t that man, Ross Riker, take this bus?
EVANY
Is he the man with the short brown hair, the black pea-coat, and the brown pants and his wife just died?
JENNY
Yes!
EVANY
Yes! I do believe he does?
GERALD
Who is he?
JOSEPH
He lives in that big house at the end of the street.
AGNES
Shitting rich.
JOSEPH
His wife, Lacrimosa Scott, lived with him in that house, until when she died last week.
GERALD
How did she die?
JENNY
I heard she dun falled down the stairs!
(The group, minus AGNES, all gasp.)
AGNES
I heard she shit herself to death.
EVANY
I heard she cut her own throat!
(Again, they gasp in unison.)
AGNES
I heard she shit herself to shit.
JOSEPH
I heard she shot herself in the head!... Three times!
(They gasp.)
AGNES
I shit she shit herself to shit.
GERALD
What if it was murder?
(They gasp.)
AGNES
Shit shit shit shit shitself to shit.
JENNY
Wait!
(JENNY pulls a newspaper clipping from her pocket.)
This newspaper clipping says that Ross, her husband who we mentioned earlier, is suspected of her death!
AGNES
No shit!
EVANY
Look! Here he comes!
JOSEPH
Yes! ..... No?!
JENNY
Why in the Hell is he naked?
(A naked Rick Astley impersonator dances onstage, as the song, “Never Gonna Give You Up,” plays.)
EVANY
That’s not Ross! That’s just Rick!
GERALD
Quaker Oats! “Does it make sense to jump out of a warm bed into a cold cereal?”
JOSEPH
Hey! That’s funny!
JENNY
Not as funny as monkeys, ya’ll!
JOSEPH, JENNY, GERALD, and EVANY
Ha ha ha! Monkeys!
AGNES
Ha ha ha! Shit!
EVANY
Wow! That was a total Non-sequitor!
GERLAD
I’ll say! Let’s break the fourth wall!
JOSEPH
Sure thing! This play sucks!
GERALD
Hey, who the fuck are you?
GERLAD
You. The writer made a typo.
GERALD
Oh.
EVANY
Hey! Here comes Ross!
(ROSS wanders up to the bus stop, paying no attention to Rick.)
ROSS
Cold day, isn’t it?
AGNES
Cold as shit!
(ROSS stares at AGNES, raising an eyebrow.)
GERALD
Hey! Long Cat is Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo/ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong!
(The actors continue to talk over GERALD.)
JENNY
Hey, it’s that man from the end of the street who killed his wife!
ROSS
I... what?
JOSEPH
Yeah, we all know you did it.
ROSS
Hold on....
JOSEPH
Look!
(JOSEPH pulls out a copy of the script and flips through several pages.)
Last scene. The townspeople accept Ross. The final soliloquy to the audience reveals a surprise!
GERALD
You didn’t stay at that Halloween party! You went dressed as something EVERYONE would have dressed as!
JENNY
Yeah! And when ya got there, you gave your buddies the ol’ slipperoo, then snuck back to your house-
EVANY
Where you murdered your wife, Lacrimosa! You were hoping your buddies would get drunk, hopelessly drunk-
GERALD
Drunk enough that they would think everyone dressed exactly like you-
GERLAD
Was you! Clever man!
GERALD
Dude, leave.
ROSS
...Hold on, hold on a second... I... What?
(There is a long pause as ROSS stares at each of the characters, confused. Suddenly, LACEY steps onto the stage.)
LACEY
Hello,
ROSS
But... Lacrimosa, you’re dead.
LACEY
it’s a dress rehearsal. The director stepped out for a cigarette.
ROSS
....Oh... and how come no one told me?
LACEY
(Grinning)
The look on your face was priceless.
ROSS
Oh, Christ. Come on, you people are jerks.
just a random post. Had to write a "bad scene" for my Play-writing class, and I'm pretty sure mine was the worst. ....Which means... it was ....the best?
Oh well. I'm just gonna toss it up here for lack of anything better to do, and for a guideline of things I should avoid.
Joe Fox
Bad Scene
CHARACTERS
JOSEPH - An old man. Husband.
AGNES - An old woman. Wife.
JENNY - A nurse.
GERALD - A college student.
EVANY - A lawyer.
ROSS - The main character
LACEY- ROSS’s wife.
GERLAD - ???
(Setting: A bus stop on a cold, snowy day. The five commuters stand side by side, waiting for the bus.)
AGNES
It’s cold as shit.
JOSEPH
Shh, my old wife.
(GERALD removes his headphones.)
GERALD
Dudes. Why isn’t the bus here?
EVANY
I believe it is late. Let me check.
(EVANY opens her schedule and scans the page, frowning. There is a ten second pause.)
AGNES
... It is colder than shit.
JOSEPH
Shh, dear. Watch your language.
AGNES
Watch your shitty language.
EVANY
Yes. The bus is late.
GERALD
Oh. Then we will just have to wait.
(There is another ten second pause.)
AGNES
It’s colder than the coldest shit ever shitted.
JENNY
Doesn’t that man, Ross Riker, take this bus?
EVANY
Is he the man with the short brown hair, the black pea-coat, and the brown pants and his wife just died?
JENNY
Yes!
EVANY
Yes! I do believe he does?
GERALD
Who is he?
JOSEPH
He lives in that big house at the end of the street.
AGNES
Shitting rich.
JOSEPH
His wife, Lacrimosa Scott, lived with him in that house, until when she died last week.
GERALD
How did she die?
JENNY
I heard she dun falled down the stairs!
(The group, minus AGNES, all gasp.)
AGNES
I heard she shit herself to death.
EVANY
I heard she cut her own throat!
(Again, they gasp in unison.)
AGNES
I heard she shit herself to shit.
JOSEPH
I heard she shot herself in the head!... Three times!
(They gasp.)
AGNES
I shit she shit herself to shit.
GERALD
What if it was murder?
(They gasp.)
AGNES
Shit shit shit shit shitself to shit.
JENNY
Wait!
(JENNY pulls a newspaper clipping from her pocket.)
This newspaper clipping says that Ross, her husband who we mentioned earlier, is suspected of her death!
AGNES
No shit!
EVANY
Look! Here he comes!
JOSEPH
Yes! ..... No?!
JENNY
Why in the Hell is he naked?
(A naked Rick Astley impersonator dances onstage, as the song, “Never Gonna Give You Up,” plays.)
EVANY
That’s not Ross! That’s just Rick!
GERALD
Quaker Oats! “Does it make sense to jump out of a warm bed into a cold cereal?”
JOSEPH
Hey! That’s funny!
JENNY
Not as funny as monkeys, ya’ll!
JOSEPH, JENNY, GERALD, and EVANY
Ha ha ha! Monkeys!
AGNES
Ha ha ha! Shit!
EVANY
Wow! That was a total Non-sequitor!
GERLAD
I’ll say! Let’s break the fourth wall!
JOSEPH
Sure thing! This play sucks!
GERALD
Hey, who the fuck are you?
GERLAD
You. The writer made a typo.
GERALD
Oh.
EVANY
Hey! Here comes Ross!
(ROSS wanders up to the bus stop, paying no attention to Rick.)
ROSS
Cold day, isn’t it?
AGNES
Cold as shit!
(ROSS stares at AGNES, raising an eyebrow.)
GERALD
Hey! Long Cat is Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo/ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong!
(The actors continue to talk over GERALD.)
JENNY
Hey, it’s that man from the end of the street who killed his wife!
ROSS
I... what?
JOSEPH
Yeah, we all know you did it.
ROSS
Hold on....
JOSEPH
Look!
(JOSEPH pulls out a copy of the script and flips through several pages.)
Last scene. The townspeople accept Ross. The final soliloquy to the audience reveals a surprise!
GERALD
You didn’t stay at that Halloween party! You went dressed as something EVERYONE would have dressed as!
JENNY
Yeah! And when ya got there, you gave your buddies the ol’ slipperoo, then snuck back to your house-
EVANY
Where you murdered your wife, Lacrimosa! You were hoping your buddies would get drunk, hopelessly drunk-
GERALD
Drunk enough that they would think everyone dressed exactly like you-
GERLAD
Was you! Clever man!
GERALD
Dude, leave.
ROSS
...Hold on, hold on a second... I... What?
(There is a long pause as ROSS stares at each of the characters, confused. Suddenly, LACEY steps onto the stage.)
LACEY
Hello,
ROSS
But... Lacrimosa, you’re dead.
LACEY
it’s a dress rehearsal. The director stepped out for a cigarette.
ROSS
....Oh... and how come no one told me?
LACEY
(Grinning)
The look on your face was priceless.
ROSS
Oh, Christ. Come on, you people are jerks.