(no subject)
um so i feel really ridiculous because apparently i cry whenever i see even brief moments of ballet? i watched some french documentary on ballet dancers today and tears were a streamin' down my face. embarassing.
blah in other news i need to start drawing/painting/oilpastelling/photographing again soon. also i feel like i'm wasting my time with a lot of things. prof. hayes has kind of slapped us the in face lately with questions about what we're doing and why we're doing and why so many people lack passion and curiosity today. what is it in your life that you get out of bed for in the morning?! is there anything?! he demanded, fervently waving his arms and wiping sweat from his forehead as he stood in front of our class. so: assuming there's only limited time (a good assumption i suppose), and assuming we can do a lot of things but not everything, and assuming one thing we do takes away from one other thing we could do, and that there are payoffs on both ends, and supposing we sleep away most of our lives (i do), and buy into, even a little bit, the safety net of society, and live without either passion (although i hate to use that word... necessity, lust?) or dedication to some greater ideal or idea or human responsibility one to the other... how can i look at myself and say that i'm doing anything genuine or worthwhile? sometimes it just rises up in my stomach until i scream complacency out of myself.
other realization: i'm terrible with phones, and with being available to people in general. i know it must be very frustrating, based on how much shit i take for it every day. i apologize.
...
aside from all other thoughts, it's beautiful today, cool & sunny and audrey says that pumpkin ale has made its yearly appearance on liquor store shelves. the italian table was actually fun yesterday, though i don't speak much italian yet. and the aristocrats is indeed worth seeing. it will make you uncomfortably aware of our human fascination with the crass, vulgar, and scandalous.
i'm totally scattered right now & will probably be more coherent later when i'm not drowning somewhere between having days upon days of studying and reading and writing to do, and a currently insatiable desire to, well, read, study, write, and create things completely separate from what i'm supposed to be doing. mais c'est normal ca.
blah in other news i need to start drawing/painting/oilpastelling/photographing again soon. also i feel like i'm wasting my time with a lot of things. prof. hayes has kind of slapped us the in face lately with questions about what we're doing and why we're doing and why so many people lack passion and curiosity today. what is it in your life that you get out of bed for in the morning?! is there anything?! he demanded, fervently waving his arms and wiping sweat from his forehead as he stood in front of our class. so: assuming there's only limited time (a good assumption i suppose), and assuming we can do a lot of things but not everything, and assuming one thing we do takes away from one other thing we could do, and that there are payoffs on both ends, and supposing we sleep away most of our lives (i do), and buy into, even a little bit, the safety net of society, and live without either passion (although i hate to use that word... necessity, lust?) or dedication to some greater ideal or idea or human responsibility one to the other... how can i look at myself and say that i'm doing anything genuine or worthwhile? sometimes it just rises up in my stomach until i scream complacency out of myself.
other realization: i'm terrible with phones, and with being available to people in general. i know it must be very frustrating, based on how much shit i take for it every day. i apologize.
...
aside from all other thoughts, it's beautiful today, cool & sunny and audrey says that pumpkin ale has made its yearly appearance on liquor store shelves. the italian table was actually fun yesterday, though i don't speak much italian yet. and the aristocrats is indeed worth seeing. it will make you uncomfortably aware of our human fascination with the crass, vulgar, and scandalous.
i'm totally scattered right now & will probably be more coherent later when i'm not drowning somewhere between having days upon days of studying and reading and writing to do, and a currently insatiable desire to, well, read, study, write, and create things completely separate from what i'm supposed to be doing. mais c'est normal ca.