(no subject)
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed today. I don't really post here often when I'm upset but I feel the need to write this stuff down today. Feel free to just skip it if you like.
My first exam (History) is on June 10th and I feel like I'm nowhere near ready for it. There's two different questions that we have to answer and we're only just practicing doing one of them now. I've been trying to write my answer to one of them and I'm just finding it really hard. The thing is, I know that with practice I can get it - structuring answers, writing essays, I'm good at that sort of thing. I just don't know whether I have enough time to actually practice enough.
On top of that, there's so much knowledge that I need to go over and it just doesn't seem to be sinking in. I'm just worried that this exam isn't going to go well. I really need it to. I need to get at least a B to get into university and I'm just scared that I'm not going to manage it. Like last year, I did really well in mocks and essays throughout the year and I was getting high A grades (the highest you can get at AS.) Then, in the actually exam, I came out with a low B. This year's exam is harder and I feel less prepared and there's so much riding on it. I just don't know if I can do it and it bugs me so much because I've ALWAYS gone to pieces in exams because of nerves and it's not fair.
Everything else that's going on in my life at the moment isn't helping. Money-wise, we're really struggling at the moment. My Auntie hasn't offered to even try and pay us back for the loan we had to take out because of her and the payments are putting lots of strain on us. Meanwhile, her kids are going off on holidays and buying new houses and dogs and winning a hundred pounds on scratchcards. And I know it isn't really their fault - they aren't responsible for their parents - but it still bugs me. Especially when one of my cousins never paid back money that he borrowed off my Mum a few years ago.
My Grandad still isn't well. He's still wheelchair bound and he's still in a lot of pain. Understandably, he gets very down. Unfortunately, he takes it out on us. It seems like my Mum and I can't do anything right and the thing is, I know he's in pain and I know he hates not being as independent as he was, but so much of our lives are determined by him and I'd just like a bit of appreciation -or even a day where he doesn't complain about something I've done - every now and then. Don't get me wrong, I love him and I don't have a problem with us looking after him at all. He has done an awful lot for us over the years and I think a lot of the way he acts comes down to his frustration at not being able to help more. It just gets me down when he treats me like he does sometimes. It sometimes feels like he takes out a lot of what he's feeling about my auntie etc out on us because we're here and that's not really fair.
Today hasn't been a good day. We've been arguing with my Grandma because she told my Mum that we needed to cut down on food and that we needed to pay more board. The problem is, we have already cut down on food while Grandma is still buying lots of biscuits for her and bottles of whiskey for my Grandad. It's a familiar argument about how much we do around the house and they always make a point of saying that it's THEIR house and it's just upsetting. It doesn't sound like it from what I've written but we are a close family and I guess it's natural to disagree and argue about some things when three generations live in the same house. It's just that it all comes back to the money issue and we wouldn't be under so much strain if it wasn't for my auntie.
Grandma hasn't even tried to get in touch with her to ask if she's going to try and pay back some of the money and yet she's telling us we need to cut down when we're already living on the bare minimum. It just annoys me that her and Grandad never stood up to my auntie or that side of the family even though they really treated us badly even before the whole thing with the loan happened and yet they'll take it out on us because they know we're not going anywhere.
And now I sound like I'm being selfish - I don't begrudge us helping them out. I do begrudge the fact that we're not allowed opinions. I'm 18 years old and yet if I try and get my point of view across, they just tell me to shut up and keep out of it. And this isn't really helping me be relaxed and revise properly.
Erm, sorry for the rant.