It's Probably Not You
I recently posted this somewhere else, but here is where it belongs:
I suffer from a profound identity crisis which consumes most of my idle time and deep thought. If I can keep my life running on the surface I do just fine, which is one reason I like to play video games, they make me forget I have no idea if I'm sure who I am.
The worst manifestation of this is I am looking for something to validate or invalidate myself, in either case putting an end to it, and much of the time I think I will find that "missing piece" in another person, though I'm also pretty sure that is ludicrous because other people have nothing except themselves and that doesn't do me very much good.
On record, I have done lots of damage to women who like or love me very much because I woke up one day and started questing again, the short result of which since they were holding on, I had to let them go.
I say this because I want any of you who are paying attention to turn the other way and leave me alone, which may be a form of self-sabotage but I have no desire to be in a conventional relationship now or ever and I'm making that known because I believe in being honest. I'm a very lonely person, but being with other people has done nothing for that, and except for causing me a great deal of introspection and in rare cases making me a better person - which I am not sure I want to be - most people are wasting my time when they want a commitment from me.
The best you can hope for is to be just that outstanding that I stay and forget about looking for what I want, or if I do go, being the person who understands enough to let me go and come back. Or you can be the person who finally fools me into thinking I found what I want. Either way, I'll be chasing whatever it is until I die, and everyone either comes with or gets left behind.
The above is what honesty truly means. I am a terribly faulted person who doesn't belong in relationships but ends up in them anyway, probably because I have a good heart and a great brain and I don't look to bad, either. If you are a past of future victim I sincerely apologise, during one of my more lucid moments, because I am sure to descend into madness again soon.
I suffer from a profound identity crisis which consumes most of my idle time and deep thought. If I can keep my life running on the surface I do just fine, which is one reason I like to play video games, they make me forget I have no idea if I'm sure who I am.
The worst manifestation of this is I am looking for something to validate or invalidate myself, in either case putting an end to it, and much of the time I think I will find that "missing piece" in another person, though I'm also pretty sure that is ludicrous because other people have nothing except themselves and that doesn't do me very much good.
On record, I have done lots of damage to women who like or love me very much because I woke up one day and started questing again, the short result of which since they were holding on, I had to let them go.
I say this because I want any of you who are paying attention to turn the other way and leave me alone, which may be a form of self-sabotage but I have no desire to be in a conventional relationship now or ever and I'm making that known because I believe in being honest. I'm a very lonely person, but being with other people has done nothing for that, and except for causing me a great deal of introspection and in rare cases making me a better person - which I am not sure I want to be - most people are wasting my time when they want a commitment from me.
The best you can hope for is to be just that outstanding that I stay and forget about looking for what I want, or if I do go, being the person who understands enough to let me go and come back. Or you can be the person who finally fools me into thinking I found what I want. Either way, I'll be chasing whatever it is until I die, and everyone either comes with or gets left behind.
The above is what honesty truly means. I am a terribly faulted person who doesn't belong in relationships but ends up in them anyway, probably because I have a good heart and a great brain and I don't look to bad, either. If you are a past of future victim I sincerely apologise, during one of my more lucid moments, because I am sure to descend into madness again soon.