I just had a talk with my parents. A very very long talk.
And even though the usual yelling entailed it didn’t end with one of us storming out of the room. We spoke about my attitude at home, how I don’t talk to anyone, how I look upset all the time, how I look very depressed, how I sit in my room all day. We talked about marriage, how I’m not sure if I want it, if I want kids, when I want it by. We spoke about the right guy for me (height is important), online dating, getting set up, blind dates, and whats important in a relationship. We spoke about me working and looking for work over seas (I really want to live in Europe). And there was a lot of stuff in between too, kids, job, money, what my plan is...
There are two things I am thinking about right now. One, something is definitely wrong. I feel like I have a dark cloud hanging above me and nothing seems to make it go away. I am never happy, I rarely smile, I don’t like hanging out with people, I don’t like going out, and no matter what I do and where I go, I just feel down. Like, really down. I have come to terms with it and figure that once I know what I'm doing, have a job, am back into life, make more plans to travel, I will be ok, but I know something is wrong.
Two its hard for me to talk about marriage when I feel like Ive been through this whole process already. I have already found the perfect guy, I knew what kind of wedding we wanted, what kind of place we were going to live in, how many kids we would have, we had everything figured out down to what sports our boys would play. Now that its over, I don’t know what to think about my future. How will anyone live up to him? How can I find that kind of happiness? How can I trust someone to be honest with me? How can I repaint my vision of the future? How can I believe in it if it hasn’t been over 5 years? Basically what it comes down to is... If I couldn't make it work with the perfect guy, who can I make it work with?
Sigh...stupid tear in eye...