What I do at work
Written in collaboration with SH:
The motion-activated paper towel dispenser in the men's room at work has been broken for weeks, so le Croque du Soleil and I came up with some ways to fix it.
1. Mount a roll of paper towels on the wall and mount a working bear trap over top, forcing user to pry open the steel teeth and yank out a handful of towel, risking certain bodily harm and possible loss of limb. Will be easier/more effective than current model.
2. Install a bathroom attendant who tries much too hard to be accommodating and helpful, going so far as to offer to hold the restroom user's penis and shake off the excess at the end, and who then berates and screams at the user for wanting a paper towel at all (as he had the option of not dirtying his hands at all) as well as for leaving too meager a tip.
3. Hang two dozen nubile young maidens from the ceiling by their toes around the faucet area. User will raise hands in air as he walks to the exit, maidens will blow forcefully to create a drying current of wind just above user's head.
4. Install an empty, 50-gallon oil drum near the sinks, and light a fire in it. Users of the restroom, should they wish to dry their hands, will be issued one of six pairs of fingerless gloves (one for each sewage drain in the restroom). Users must then stand around the fire recounting the good ol' days o' plenty when they had paper for drying one’s hands, and rub their gloved hands thoughtfully over the fire. Rotgut may or may not be provided. All blowing newspaper will be caught and added to the fire. The Brooklyn Bridge may or may not be prominently displayed.
5. Install PA and various subwoofers to achieve "bitchin" sound system, through which Irene Cara's "What A Feeling" will be looped throughout entire workday, forcing user to shake hands in Flashdance ecstasy until dry.
6. Declare wet to be the new dry.
7. Install shag carpeting. Knock everyone's shins with a crowbar, and let them drag their knuckles.
8. Mount one of those fans they use to make wind in the movies on the wall, and tie a rope to the door handle. Set the fan to "gale force" and make the user pull himself out of the restroom using the rope. The wind will dry the backs of his hands, the rope will dry his palms.
9. Create a door made of terrycloth.
10. Install a secret door that leads to a posh and opulent lair filled with silken pillows and lithe young ladies gently waving ostrich feather fans.
11. Turn the water off entirely and quit pissing on your hands.
The motion-activated paper towel dispenser in the men's room at work has been broken for weeks, so le Croque du Soleil and I came up with some ways to fix it.
1. Mount a roll of paper towels on the wall and mount a working bear trap over top, forcing user to pry open the steel teeth and yank out a handful of towel, risking certain bodily harm and possible loss of limb. Will be easier/more effective than current model.
2. Install a bathroom attendant who tries much too hard to be accommodating and helpful, going so far as to offer to hold the restroom user's penis and shake off the excess at the end, and who then berates and screams at the user for wanting a paper towel at all (as he had the option of not dirtying his hands at all) as well as for leaving too meager a tip.
3. Hang two dozen nubile young maidens from the ceiling by their toes around the faucet area. User will raise hands in air as he walks to the exit, maidens will blow forcefully to create a drying current of wind just above user's head.
4. Install an empty, 50-gallon oil drum near the sinks, and light a fire in it. Users of the restroom, should they wish to dry their hands, will be issued one of six pairs of fingerless gloves (one for each sewage drain in the restroom). Users must then stand around the fire recounting the good ol' days o' plenty when they had paper for drying one’s hands, and rub their gloved hands thoughtfully over the fire. Rotgut may or may not be provided. All blowing newspaper will be caught and added to the fire. The Brooklyn Bridge may or may not be prominently displayed.
5. Install PA and various subwoofers to achieve "bitchin" sound system, through which Irene Cara's "What A Feeling" will be looped throughout entire workday, forcing user to shake hands in Flashdance ecstasy until dry.
6. Declare wet to be the new dry.
7. Install shag carpeting. Knock everyone's shins with a crowbar, and let them drag their knuckles.
8. Mount one of those fans they use to make wind in the movies on the wall, and tie a rope to the door handle. Set the fan to "gale force" and make the user pull himself out of the restroom using the rope. The wind will dry the backs of his hands, the rope will dry his palms.
9. Create a door made of terrycloth.
10. Install a secret door that leads to a posh and opulent lair filled with silken pillows and lithe young ladies gently waving ostrich feather fans.
11. Turn the water off entirely and quit pissing on your hands.