Apologists Beware: Biblical Absurdities, Bloody Violence and Perversity
Here's just some of the really fun stuff that the biblebeaters and activists don't retell a hundred times. :)
(Genesis 9:18-28) Noah, some time after getting out of his ark and planting his vineyard, imbibes way too much wine and gets nekkid in his tent. One of his kids apparently walks in the tent and finds this hilarious and tells the other two. The other kids cover the old man's nekkid self up and when Noah recovers from his hangover he curses the first one. This is doubly funny when one sees people throwing this one around in a weird twisted attempt to accuse blacks of being perverted and/or homosexuals. :)
(Genesis 17) "God" tells Abram/Abraham to cut his own foreskin off. Oww. The other men of the house are not exempt. Mass pain and bleeding ensue.
(Genesis 19:38) Lot's daughters, having just escaped the oft-referenced conflageration of Sodom and Gomorrah, get their daddy at least as drunk as Noah and take turns fucking him, in the worry that they're not gonna find mens to get them pregnant before they hit menopause. Fleeing homosexuality to engage in incest? The mind reels. :)
(Genesis 29:15-25) Jacob wants to marry a beautiful woman, gets his bride, and looks upon her in the morning, and apparently its her sister instead of the woman he wanted. One wonders about the wedding night, not to mention the new meaning to the phrase "morning after".
(Genesis 30:31-43) Jacob tricks the father of the woman he wants to marry into making an agreement to give him all the sheep with speckles and spots. Then he sets up branches and twigs and leaves in an attempt to influence the conception of such mottled offspring, working on the old concept that these things are determined by whatever the mother (the ewe, in this case) sees during intercourse. Apparently, it works. Centuries later, St. Augustine would ponder the ridiculousness of this story and wonder why the ewes did not conceive twigs.
(Genesis 34) Two of Jacob's kids, in a cunning attempt to rescue their sister Dinah from some nearby heathens, convince all the mens to cut off their own foreskins. While these apparently feckless mens are reeling from the pain, Jacob's sons swoop in and murder the lot.
(Genesis 38:11-26) Judah's daughter-in-law Tamar bangs Judah in a manner similar to Lot's daughters (apparently having heirs is a big fuckin deal). She dresses as a prostitute to fool the man. Apparently incest is okay if you have noble purposes in mind. Remember that the next time you're being pestered about the "Biblical" version of sex, marriage and procreation. :)
(Exodus 4:20-26) Right after receiving his "commission" from a deity who hangs around in burning bushes (to "go tell ol' Pharoah let my people go", as the song went), Moses is en route to Egypt when said deity suddenly intercepts him with intent to kill someone. The "who" is not totally plain in the text, it may be Moses or Moses' kid. Regardless, this turn of events drives Moses' wife Zipporah (who apparently wasn't too tightly wound to begin with) to pick up a rock and bonk off the kid's foreskin. This deity seems to have a real dislike of the things. One wonders why foreskins were created on penii in the first place...
(Numbers 11:18-24, 31-34) Moses tells the wandering Hebrews that "God" will rain down quail on them in the desert and they will eat it for a month and be sick of it. But by the time the quail actually shows up, it appears the Divine Feeder has decided not to wait a month and has sent poisoned quail instead.
(Numbers 12:1-10) One odd little story refers to Moses' siblings Miriam and Aaron complaining about him. The narrator mentions that it has to do with Moses' "Cushite" wife. The actual meaning of the term "Cushite" is questionable, but it's usually taken to refer to someone from Ethiopia (i.e. the countries south of Egypt). Following this logic for the moment, it appears that the issue is that Moses' wife is black. In an amusing twist, the angry deity that is running the entire show strikes Miriam with a serious case of leprosy that turns her "white as snow".
(Numbers 22:22-31) Famously, Balaam beats his own ass. Literally.
(Numbers 25:6-8) During a period where the wandering Hebrews are apparently bedding down with local (heathen) women for some hoo-ha, Moses' nephew Phinehas sees one man taking a foreign woman into the Tent of Meeting, supposedly. Given that this tent is usually pitched far away from the congregation and "God" meets Moses there in a cloud to talk and this same "God" has established a habit this early into the book of striking people with plagues and death for bad behavior, Moses apparently stands by and does nothing. His nephew Phinehas, however, goes to the tent and finds that whatever this couple is doing allows him to kill them by thrusting a spear through the man and into the woman's stomach. He gets praised for this act shortly afterwards.
(Deuteronomy 21:10-14) Using a female captive of war as a sex slave is perfectly okay!
(Judges 3:31) During a period of subjugation by the neighboring Philistines, the hero Shamgar is reputed to have killed 600 men with an ox-goad in the course of an uprising.
(Judges 3:15-26) The Hebrews are subjugated by nearby Edom, and presided over by the Edomite king, Eglon. A wily, left-handed Hebrew named Ehud gains a private audience with King Eglon and stabs him in the belly with a dagger. Apparently Eglon is fat enough to where the entire dagger can be thrust into his gut and the fat closes over it. Later, when his room's doors remain closed inordinately long, his servants assume he is taking a shit.
(Judges 4:17-22) A fleeing enemy general hides in the tent of a Bedouin named Heber. Heber isn't home and his wife Jael puts the general to bed. While he is sleeping, Jael impales him through the temple with a tent stake.
(Judges 11:30-31, 34-40) Another "freedom fighter", Jepthah, makes an odd vow that he will offer as a sacrifice whatever comes out his door to meet him. As fate would have it, the entity that greets him upon his return home is his own daughter. One wonders just what kind of house Jepthah lives in, as the narrator wishes us to believe that he expected a sheep or goat or whatever to come out first. Perhaps he expected his mother-in-law would come out instead?
(Judges 19:22-28) In a scene that appears almost plagiarized from the oft-quoted Sodom and Gomorroh story, a mob of mens shows up at a house where an out-of-towner and his common-law wife are staying, demanding to "know" him. The man tosses his wife outside instead. Gangrape ensues and she is found dead on the doorstep the next morning. This later sets off a civil war.
(1 Samuel 10:10-12, 19:23-24) Israel's first official king, Saul, seems to be prone to fits of ecstacy. The first episode serves no purpose but to fulfill a prophet's prediction. The second involves him taking his clothes off and lying down on the floor. Are we sure this guy isn't an epileptic?
(1 Samuel 15:1-9, 32-33) The prophet Samuel conveys to King Saul that "God" wants him to completely slaughter the Amalekites. This mission from above isn't just about subjugation. According to Samuel, the deity wants all the Amalekites (men, women, children, pets, farm animals, etc) completely eradicated. Saul complies with the order of genocide, but brings back some animals and the Amalekite king, Agag. An angry Samuel gets access to Agag and hacks him in pieces. Even after the slaughter is complete, Samuel says "God" is so pissed off, he's going to take the kingship from Saul. (After Saul's death, we learn that at least one Amalekite is still out there anyway (2 Samuel 1:8).)
(1 Samuel 18:25-28) Saul offers his daughter in marriage to any man who can kill a prescribed number of Philistines. The daring hero David manages to kill twice that amount. As proof, he brings Saul a bag of bloody Philistine foreskins. Apparently David knows the easiest way to get "God's" help on his side is to offer him some foreskins.
(2 Samuel 13:1-33) One of David's sons is so horny for his half-sister, it makes him physically ill. He finally concocts a plan to get her into his house alone and rapes her. (By the way, the forcible line in question is given as "Come, lie with me, my sister.") Then, just like a man, he orders her to leave. Later another one of the king's sons has him murdered at a banquet. What makes this particular soap opera interesting is that while the writer relates all these little details about just how the boy rapes his half-sister Tamar, he doesn't seem to know just how he died at the much-more-public banquet.
(Genesis 9:18-28) Noah, some time after getting out of his ark and planting his vineyard, imbibes way too much wine and gets nekkid in his tent. One of his kids apparently walks in the tent and finds this hilarious and tells the other two. The other kids cover the old man's nekkid self up and when Noah recovers from his hangover he curses the first one. This is doubly funny when one sees people throwing this one around in a weird twisted attempt to accuse blacks of being perverted and/or homosexuals. :)
(Genesis 17) "God" tells Abram/Abraham to cut his own foreskin off. Oww. The other men of the house are not exempt. Mass pain and bleeding ensue.
(Genesis 19:38) Lot's daughters, having just escaped the oft-referenced conflageration of Sodom and Gomorrah, get their daddy at least as drunk as Noah and take turns fucking him, in the worry that they're not gonna find mens to get them pregnant before they hit menopause. Fleeing homosexuality to engage in incest? The mind reels. :)
(Genesis 29:15-25) Jacob wants to marry a beautiful woman, gets his bride, and looks upon her in the morning, and apparently its her sister instead of the woman he wanted. One wonders about the wedding night, not to mention the new meaning to the phrase "morning after".
(Genesis 30:31-43) Jacob tricks the father of the woman he wants to marry into making an agreement to give him all the sheep with speckles and spots. Then he sets up branches and twigs and leaves in an attempt to influence the conception of such mottled offspring, working on the old concept that these things are determined by whatever the mother (the ewe, in this case) sees during intercourse. Apparently, it works. Centuries later, St. Augustine would ponder the ridiculousness of this story and wonder why the ewes did not conceive twigs.
(Genesis 34) Two of Jacob's kids, in a cunning attempt to rescue their sister Dinah from some nearby heathens, convince all the mens to cut off their own foreskins. While these apparently feckless mens are reeling from the pain, Jacob's sons swoop in and murder the lot.
(Genesis 38:11-26) Judah's daughter-in-law Tamar bangs Judah in a manner similar to Lot's daughters (apparently having heirs is a big fuckin deal). She dresses as a prostitute to fool the man. Apparently incest is okay if you have noble purposes in mind. Remember that the next time you're being pestered about the "Biblical" version of sex, marriage and procreation. :)
(Exodus 4:20-26) Right after receiving his "commission" from a deity who hangs around in burning bushes (to "go tell ol' Pharoah let my people go", as the song went), Moses is en route to Egypt when said deity suddenly intercepts him with intent to kill someone. The "who" is not totally plain in the text, it may be Moses or Moses' kid. Regardless, this turn of events drives Moses' wife Zipporah (who apparently wasn't too tightly wound to begin with) to pick up a rock and bonk off the kid's foreskin. This deity seems to have a real dislike of the things. One wonders why foreskins were created on penii in the first place...
(Numbers 11:18-24, 31-34) Moses tells the wandering Hebrews that "God" will rain down quail on them in the desert and they will eat it for a month and be sick of it. But by the time the quail actually shows up, it appears the Divine Feeder has decided not to wait a month and has sent poisoned quail instead.
(Numbers 12:1-10) One odd little story refers to Moses' siblings Miriam and Aaron complaining about him. The narrator mentions that it has to do with Moses' "Cushite" wife. The actual meaning of the term "Cushite" is questionable, but it's usually taken to refer to someone from Ethiopia (i.e. the countries south of Egypt). Following this logic for the moment, it appears that the issue is that Moses' wife is black. In an amusing twist, the angry deity that is running the entire show strikes Miriam with a serious case of leprosy that turns her "white as snow".
(Numbers 22:22-31) Famously, Balaam beats his own ass. Literally.
(Numbers 25:6-8) During a period where the wandering Hebrews are apparently bedding down with local (heathen) women for some hoo-ha, Moses' nephew Phinehas sees one man taking a foreign woman into the Tent of Meeting, supposedly. Given that this tent is usually pitched far away from the congregation and "God" meets Moses there in a cloud to talk and this same "God" has established a habit this early into the book of striking people with plagues and death for bad behavior, Moses apparently stands by and does nothing. His nephew Phinehas, however, goes to the tent and finds that whatever this couple is doing allows him to kill them by thrusting a spear through the man and into the woman's stomach. He gets praised for this act shortly afterwards.
(Deuteronomy 21:10-14) Using a female captive of war as a sex slave is perfectly okay!
(Judges 3:31) During a period of subjugation by the neighboring Philistines, the hero Shamgar is reputed to have killed 600 men with an ox-goad in the course of an uprising.
(Judges 3:15-26) The Hebrews are subjugated by nearby Edom, and presided over by the Edomite king, Eglon. A wily, left-handed Hebrew named Ehud gains a private audience with King Eglon and stabs him in the belly with a dagger. Apparently Eglon is fat enough to where the entire dagger can be thrust into his gut and the fat closes over it. Later, when his room's doors remain closed inordinately long, his servants assume he is taking a shit.
(Judges 4:17-22) A fleeing enemy general hides in the tent of a Bedouin named Heber. Heber isn't home and his wife Jael puts the general to bed. While he is sleeping, Jael impales him through the temple with a tent stake.
(Judges 11:30-31, 34-40) Another "freedom fighter", Jepthah, makes an odd vow that he will offer as a sacrifice whatever comes out his door to meet him. As fate would have it, the entity that greets him upon his return home is his own daughter. One wonders just what kind of house Jepthah lives in, as the narrator wishes us to believe that he expected a sheep or goat or whatever to come out first. Perhaps he expected his mother-in-law would come out instead?
(Judges 19:22-28) In a scene that appears almost plagiarized from the oft-quoted Sodom and Gomorroh story, a mob of mens shows up at a house where an out-of-towner and his common-law wife are staying, demanding to "know" him. The man tosses his wife outside instead. Gangrape ensues and she is found dead on the doorstep the next morning. This later sets off a civil war.
(1 Samuel 10:10-12, 19:23-24) Israel's first official king, Saul, seems to be prone to fits of ecstacy. The first episode serves no purpose but to fulfill a prophet's prediction. The second involves him taking his clothes off and lying down on the floor. Are we sure this guy isn't an epileptic?
(1 Samuel 15:1-9, 32-33) The prophet Samuel conveys to King Saul that "God" wants him to completely slaughter the Amalekites. This mission from above isn't just about subjugation. According to Samuel, the deity wants all the Amalekites (men, women, children, pets, farm animals, etc) completely eradicated. Saul complies with the order of genocide, but brings back some animals and the Amalekite king, Agag. An angry Samuel gets access to Agag and hacks him in pieces. Even after the slaughter is complete, Samuel says "God" is so pissed off, he's going to take the kingship from Saul. (After Saul's death, we learn that at least one Amalekite is still out there anyway (2 Samuel 1:8).)
(1 Samuel 18:25-28) Saul offers his daughter in marriage to any man who can kill a prescribed number of Philistines. The daring hero David manages to kill twice that amount. As proof, he brings Saul a bag of bloody Philistine foreskins. Apparently David knows the easiest way to get "God's" help on his side is to offer him some foreskins.
(2 Samuel 13:1-33) One of David's sons is so horny for his half-sister, it makes him physically ill. He finally concocts a plan to get her into his house alone and rapes her. (By the way, the forcible line in question is given as "Come, lie with me, my sister.") Then, just like a man, he orders her to leave. Later another one of the king's sons has him murdered at a banquet. What makes this particular soap opera interesting is that while the writer relates all these little details about just how the boy rapes his half-sister Tamar, he doesn't seem to know just how he died at the much-more-public banquet.