the end of 2009.
As much as I have grown a certain antipathy towards keeping online journals for others to examine and judge. It is a nice idea to have the means to be able to look back on experiences that have long passed, and to later judge myself, minus my credulous yet persnickety attitude of yesteryear. As intelligent as I may have thought I sounded then, I can look back now and laugh at myself, as I am sure I will be able to laugh at my current self in the future. I think it is unimportant, but, beneficial to have this reference.
I am currently living on the side of a mountain in Asheville, NC, close to downtown. It is cold, which I like, but the warmth of home isn't nearly the cozyness I long for. I am mostly depressed, but that isn't anything to cause alarm, as I have always struggled with experiencing each emotion in its own extreme. I am also often happy far beyond indifference. I think the balance is healthy.
I have a dog who I fear to have neglected up until recently, and out of both love and guilt have been giving him far more attention and affection than any dog really needs.
I share my life with a man who possesses great talents, but lacks certain emotional and social capabilities. This is not to say that he isn't dear and charming and pleasant. We all have our flaws. Though I have a great love and respect for him, I also fear the authenticity of our relationship, as I sense that his heart lies elsewhere, among a past love that may never again be. The thought of this leaves me constantly, miserably on edge. I often entertain thoughts of running away, but that is my own nature and tendency speaking, not a provident resolution to my current state of being.
I feel very lost, like I am drowning in a sea of underdeveloped talents, none of which are whole enough to hold onto. All I have ever wanted to care about is music, but I have never been comfortable enough practicing in front of anyone, meaning essentially I have never been comfortable enough practicing at all. I am not okay displaying something I don't feel confident in. In turn, I have hardly improved. There are a plenty of people who I do feel comfortable around, but having left my life so suddenly for the thrill of disappearing, those people have drifted away from my life entirely.
My mood at the moment is somber, which has produced a somber entry, but I assure you I do not overlook the fortune that my life has been granted. I have had more experiences (both detrimental and spectacular, mostly the second) than most people twice my age. I am incredibly grateful for the my highly enriched life, and can only hope to continue to and to further appreciate its gifts.
I am currently living on the side of a mountain in Asheville, NC, close to downtown. It is cold, which I like, but the warmth of home isn't nearly the cozyness I long for. I am mostly depressed, but that isn't anything to cause alarm, as I have always struggled with experiencing each emotion in its own extreme. I am also often happy far beyond indifference. I think the balance is healthy.
I have a dog who I fear to have neglected up until recently, and out of both love and guilt have been giving him far more attention and affection than any dog really needs.
I share my life with a man who possesses great talents, but lacks certain emotional and social capabilities. This is not to say that he isn't dear and charming and pleasant. We all have our flaws. Though I have a great love and respect for him, I also fear the authenticity of our relationship, as I sense that his heart lies elsewhere, among a past love that may never again be. The thought of this leaves me constantly, miserably on edge. I often entertain thoughts of running away, but that is my own nature and tendency speaking, not a provident resolution to my current state of being.
I feel very lost, like I am drowning in a sea of underdeveloped talents, none of which are whole enough to hold onto. All I have ever wanted to care about is music, but I have never been comfortable enough practicing in front of anyone, meaning essentially I have never been comfortable enough practicing at all. I am not okay displaying something I don't feel confident in. In turn, I have hardly improved. There are a plenty of people who I do feel comfortable around, but having left my life so suddenly for the thrill of disappearing, those people have drifted away from my life entirely.
My mood at the moment is somber, which has produced a somber entry, but I assure you I do not overlook the fortune that my life has been granted. I have had more experiences (both detrimental and spectacular, mostly the second) than most people twice my age. I am incredibly grateful for the my highly enriched life, and can only hope to continue to and to further appreciate its gifts.