(no subject)
tonight was terrible. i don't think i will ever be ok again. what i did was so unforgivable that even a month later, i still feel like the worst person that ever existed. maybe i am the worst person that ever existed. at least hitler didn't hurt the ones he loved(or did he?)
i don't think i will get over this, because everyday i wake up hoping that it was all a terrible nightmare, and everyday i eventually leave the groggy state and it is still there. and i realize that everything isn't ok and it might stay bad forever.
sometimes, when i am lucky, we are friends, but when i was told tonight that we are no longer friends and we never have a chance and that i would never see him again...i lost it. all that went through my head was how much i love him and how i don't want to ever be with anyone else, and that if we can't be together i want to be friends. then it crossed my mind that i can't live without him.
now i have to tell my mom, because maybe she can ease the pain a little bit. but it will break her heart. and i am scared to tell her, but i think it is necessary for me to start to be ok. im at home, and i don't know if i am going to go back to school for a while, and maybe not ever. maybe if i leave it behind, everyone can move on.
i don't think i will get over this, because everyday i wake up hoping that it was all a terrible nightmare, and everyday i eventually leave the groggy state and it is still there. and i realize that everything isn't ok and it might stay bad forever.
sometimes, when i am lucky, we are friends, but when i was told tonight that we are no longer friends and we never have a chance and that i would never see him again...i lost it. all that went through my head was how much i love him and how i don't want to ever be with anyone else, and that if we can't be together i want to be friends. then it crossed my mind that i can't live without him.
now i have to tell my mom, because maybe she can ease the pain a little bit. but it will break her heart. and i am scared to tell her, but i think it is necessary for me to start to be ok. im at home, and i don't know if i am going to go back to school for a while, and maybe not ever. maybe if i leave it behind, everyone can move on.