Officer Write!
How long has it taken Mike to write this article, anyway? And why didn't he write about the lousy neighbours in the past tense? Are we supposed to believe that the Boy Wonder of Canadian Journalism is going to support his growing family by churning out pieces that say loudly and with vigour: "My neighbours are so mean! They smoke and they don't like my kids!"? It's not exactly interesting stuff.
Also, at this rate, how long is it going to take the kind young constable to sweep Elizabeth off her feet? If only Therese were around, scheming wildly and generally being kinetic...sigh. You know what would be awesome?
SETTING: Therese and Anthony's house, present day.
(A big box of expensive baby gifts sits in the background, waiting to be returned by the greedy francophone succubus. In the foreground lies Anthony's lifeless body, encircled by a pool of his own blood. Therese sits in a chair near the door, answering questions about what happened.)
THERESE: And zhen, zees man, he ees big and lumbering, and he come at me! And my 'usband, ee sayz "Stay away, she ees mine, now I have somezing worth fighting for!" But ee is stabbed with the expensive silver knife for zee baby, and now I cannot return it for zee cash! I demand justice!
OFFICER: You moved recently?
THERESE: Yes, eet is the lower price of land as you go North. I do not want to leave, but my 'usband, ee was flirting too much with the Patterson, so although I am insulted by the cheapness, I move anyway. Eet is excuse for anozzer shower! I like the gifts and the money!
In the background, medical examiners, cops and the like are moving about, collecting evidence. Suddenly, as he checks Anthony's pockets, Wright gets a bright idea.
WRIGHT: So...you're French-Canadian, are you?
THERESE: Oui!
WRIGHT: I found this! (brandishes photo of Liz) in your husband's coat pocket, and this! (brandishes overnight bag) in the bedroom! You adapted that story of Liz's assault to suit your own means! I heard it straight from her mother's mouth when she (brandishes photo of drunktank Elly) was at my rural outpost! Your creepy, rapidly-aging husband was going to leave you and try to win Liz back! You and your kinky family were trying to sully my pure, beauteous Elizabeth, bringer of knowledge to the wise nat--
THERESE: (rises angrily) She is a whore! A common poulet! An' she would 'ave my 'usband, did she theenk? I weel not stand for zees!
WRIGHT: No, you won't...you'll sit in jail until you die!
LIZ: (enters in background and gasps audibly) Anthony! Oh, my misguided ex-boyfriend from years ago...why do I always pick the wrong ones?
WRIGHT: Excuse me, Ms Patterson. My name is Wright, and I have your mother's prescription glasses.
LIZ: (girlish giggle) Well, Mr Wright...nice to meet you!
WRIGHT: Marry me, or die an old maid! Everyone likes me, even your mother!
(passionless smooching ensues, and Anthony, boring even as the victim of a scheming, murdering harpy, is wheeled out to the ambulance without anyone noticing.)
Also, at this rate, how long is it going to take the kind young constable to sweep Elizabeth off her feet? If only Therese were around, scheming wildly and generally being kinetic...sigh. You know what would be awesome?
SETTING: Therese and Anthony's house, present day.
(A big box of expensive baby gifts sits in the background, waiting to be returned by the greedy francophone succubus. In the foreground lies Anthony's lifeless body, encircled by a pool of his own blood. Therese sits in a chair near the door, answering questions about what happened.)
THERESE: And zhen, zees man, he ees big and lumbering, and he come at me! And my 'usband, ee sayz "Stay away, she ees mine, now I have somezing worth fighting for!" But ee is stabbed with the expensive silver knife for zee baby, and now I cannot return it for zee cash! I demand justice!
OFFICER: You moved recently?
THERESE: Yes, eet is the lower price of land as you go North. I do not want to leave, but my 'usband, ee was flirting too much with the Patterson, so although I am insulted by the cheapness, I move anyway. Eet is excuse for anozzer shower! I like the gifts and the money!
In the background, medical examiners, cops and the like are moving about, collecting evidence. Suddenly, as he checks Anthony's pockets, Wright gets a bright idea.
WRIGHT: So...you're French-Canadian, are you?
THERESE: Oui!
WRIGHT: I found this! (brandishes photo of Liz) in your husband's coat pocket, and this! (brandishes overnight bag) in the bedroom! You adapted that story of Liz's assault to suit your own means! I heard it straight from her mother's mouth when she (brandishes photo of drunktank Elly) was at my rural outpost! Your creepy, rapidly-aging husband was going to leave you and try to win Liz back! You and your kinky family were trying to sully my pure, beauteous Elizabeth, bringer of knowledge to the wise nat--
THERESE: (rises angrily) She is a whore! A common poulet! An' she would 'ave my 'usband, did she theenk? I weel not stand for zees!
WRIGHT: No, you won't...you'll sit in jail until you die!
LIZ: (enters in background and gasps audibly) Anthony! Oh, my misguided ex-boyfriend from years ago...why do I always pick the wrong ones?
WRIGHT: Excuse me, Ms Patterson. My name is Wright, and I have your mother's prescription glasses.
LIZ: (girlish giggle) Well, Mr Wright...nice to meet you!
WRIGHT: Marry me, or die an old maid! Everyone likes me, even your mother!
(passionless smooching ensues, and Anthony, boring even as the victim of a scheming, murdering harpy, is wheeled out to the ambulance without anyone noticing.)