I'm afraid to sleep, because of what haunts me...
Your memory has haunted my dreams
For months on end its seemed
And although we've been over so long
I still know walking away wasn't wrong
To throw what we had away
Seemed so careless, I know
Not even an apology, there's nothing I can say
To make you believe what I try to show
My mind knows there's a reason
I'm so far away and my mind keeps looking back
But that insight's what I lack
Lord what is your purpose
for looking in the past
I know what has been and its not changing
I believe our parts were cast
Long before we even met
Before the smiles and heartbreaks and all
Destined for one of the greatest loves
and destined too, to fall
Tonight I attempted to be productive. And in some ways I succeed, others have a cloudier outcome... I did get some of my longer homework assignments completed (or at least started), but as soon as Justin and I began to talk about old times thing went downhill. Just today I was thinking, exactly the words he spoke as we stood by my car in the parking lot. A year ago we met, and although so much has stayed the same in our lives, in our friendship, I know even more has changed within each of us. "I was a bad boyfriend before," he said "I'm sorry." Although in my mind I wanted to deny his statement and say he was a good boyfriend before, I know that I would be betraying myself with those words. So I agreed. "I didn't totally blame you thought," I said, "I just figured it wasn't meant to be between us." ...."but people can always learn from their mistakes," he said. "When did you begin to have feelings for me again?" I asked. And so the next hour passed, with us speaking about our past, and where we stand at the present.
I was so full of excitement that August day, waiting for new students to arrive for dorm move-in day. I sat downstairs in the lobby just gazing out the window, wondering what this new year would bring, and waiting for those I would share it with to take their first steps toward me... the first of many walks, and smiles, and memories we would all share. My first memory of Justin is of him walking through those large glass doors, wearing a cubs hat and plaid shorts, and I was in complete confusion of whether I should first question his sexuality and plaid shorts, or love him for being a cubs fan. Either way I was smitten, and spent the next few weeks finding all excuses to get to know him better. As luck or destiny would have it, his room belonged right across the hall from mine... four feet apart from each other. We were destined for trouble. In the following nights, the small hallway between us harbored conversations lasting into the wee hours of the morning. Conversations which left me more certain with each sentence that he could be different than other men, and more than I ever thought was possible in one person.
If it hadn't been for Justin, I honestly believe I still be with Sean to this day.... possibly even married. Maybe it really wasn't Justin at all, I think, and maybe it was me, just needing an excuse, a little hope, an outlet to allow me to break free from the hold he had on me. No matter the logic, it WAS Justin who was there. Standing in the doorway directly across from mine... the boy next door. Challenging everything I had believed of men, and striking a cord of curiosity inside me. After a lot of prayer, anticipation, nerves, heartache, anger, courage, and many other things I made the decision I had mentally committed to a million times. In every car ride listening to sleeping at last, with every tear, in every dream of what I wanted my life to be, and with every shred of self-esteem he took from me I longed to be free from him. And as sure as I was that I wanted to break our ties, I was all that more in love and attached to him the second my eyes would lock in with his sparkling greens, that I could never get away... but tonight I was emotionally committed, more than I ever had been in my life to something. And with that, we were done. As the words fell out of my mouth in his car I couldn't shed a tear, even watching the one I loved for so long sob. It wasn't until months later that his heartbreak really hit me. We both knew that after this there was no going back, no getting back together again. I just knew he was not the one for me. "Tell me that you know I am not the one for you and there's no chance we will ever get back together," Sean pleaded. "I just need to hear you say it so I can move on." And so I did. And I meant it. In every dream I had as a child of how my married life would be, how my husband would look and act and how he would make me feel... I just knew it wasn't Sean. The end of an era.
When I returned upstairs from our fateful and the last car ride Sean and I would ever share, Justin waited with his door opened, knowing nothing of what had just gone on outside. He knew I had a boyfriend, and he was aware that it was him calling and begging me to come down and talk to him, but of how my heart felt he had no idea. As I told him the story of everything that happened he listened quietly from his side of the hallway, leaning on the door frame with his arms crossed and his brown eyes glued to mine. By the end of our conversations we had gotten used to sitting and even lying on the floor, our backs still pressed up against our separate walls. With me being an RA, our late night heart-to-hearts quickly became a scandal all girls jealous of me and head-over-heals for Justin felt the need to report. And like that our feelings for each other became a rumor neither of us would confirm or deny. After being banned from the hallways, our conversation moved into our separate rooms, which in retrospect, was an idea we both knew could be bad, but chose to naive-ly ignore.
I remember telling my friends that I had just met the perfect guy. I had never used such language before, and even now I am slightly embarrassed to think that I said such things, but I did... And I believed it with all of my heart.
In playing our games, I ran away from him as fast as I could to the other side of my room (I had undoubtably stolen something of his, hit him, or something equally as obnoxious). Stopping at my door frame to see if he had caught up, I turned around to see his face inches from mine. As I backed away, his arms braced himself against the wall behind me, pinning me where I stood. I'm sure I could have found a way out had I really wanted to, but all I wanted at that moment was to kiss him... And we did, and we didn't stop until we had unleashed every ounce of passion we had built up with our weeks of talking from four feet away... and I had never felt so close to someone from four feet away. We were together for a few months at best, our friendship, talks, and passion declining vastly from where it began with every day. Soon it seemed as if he was making himself busy and unavailable on purpose, and the more he pulled away the more rejected I felt, nagging him for more and more attention.... the feeling was unbearable. And with that I told him I couldn't do this anymore.
That was November, and although we made casual, awkward conversation with one another in passing, we didn't see each other very often, even with our once convenient proximity. Through the winter and spring we both had new loves, new flings, and plenty of other things to keep our minds occupied from the other person. It wasn't until one fateful night in June that we really spoke again. Stumbling back to the dorms from a party, I walked off the elevator to hear talking and laughter from Tori's room. Upon entering, I saw Justin and Tori, also drunk, laughing at YouTube videos on her computer. Without hurt, pride, or awkwardness to stand between us, I approached Justin and told him he should race with me down the hallway. The race turned into him carrying me down to my room piggyback, dropping me on the floor, and then helping me up and into one of the vacant rooms. As we sat on the bare mattress we talked, laughed, and decided we would be friends from that point on. For the rest of the summer Justin and I had an affinity for getting ourselves into drunken situations together and a couple times getting together. Afterwards we would vow it'd be the last, which I never believed, until it was. And we were actually "just friends." And I love being just friends with Justin.
"It was while you were moving your things out of the dorm," he said, was when he realized how he felt for me, and how much he would miss me. Its funny, because one thing he said to me when we broke up was that maybe we just never had time to miss each other, living so close. Maybe he was right after all...
We will see how this whole situation pans out in the next couple weeks... or days... who knows really. You know how sometimes you dream and hope of getting back together with someone so bad? Or at least a little part of you always longed for that reunion? I have been like that with almost every boyfriend I've ever had, except for Justin. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think or wish that we would get back together as a couple. All I had every wanted and hoped for was that we would be able to be friends again... and now we are :) I never thought that he would want a relationship with me, or that I wanted one with him, until I am thinking about it now.
These feelings now, seem so reminiscent of the movie Definitely, Maybe. I watch that movie and wonder where my love life will end up. Who my college sweetheart, fiance, husband, and any other flings in between will be played by, and who I will be destined to end up with. But like in the movie, I get afraid that I will make a bad choice and we will end up in divorce, or end up not even being able to be friends anymore... I do not wish that on anyone. The plot of Justin and I is reminiscent of the main character and his Emily, the woman he ends up marrying and divorcing later. Whose to say things would end up in either of those, but I just find it hard to go back to an old flame, and expect the light to be any greater than it was in the past...
How are we to know when it is ok to look back, go back, or never turn back?
Sincerely,
lizzy
For months on end its seemed
And although we've been over so long
I still know walking away wasn't wrong
To throw what we had away
Seemed so careless, I know
Not even an apology, there's nothing I can say
To make you believe what I try to show
My mind knows there's a reason
I'm so far away and my mind keeps looking back
But that insight's what I lack
Lord what is your purpose
for looking in the past
I know what has been and its not changing
I believe our parts were cast
Long before we even met
Before the smiles and heartbreaks and all
Destined for one of the greatest loves
and destined too, to fall
Tonight I attempted to be productive. And in some ways I succeed, others have a cloudier outcome... I did get some of my longer homework assignments completed (or at least started), but as soon as Justin and I began to talk about old times thing went downhill. Just today I was thinking, exactly the words he spoke as we stood by my car in the parking lot. A year ago we met, and although so much has stayed the same in our lives, in our friendship, I know even more has changed within each of us. "I was a bad boyfriend before," he said "I'm sorry." Although in my mind I wanted to deny his statement and say he was a good boyfriend before, I know that I would be betraying myself with those words. So I agreed. "I didn't totally blame you thought," I said, "I just figured it wasn't meant to be between us." ...."but people can always learn from their mistakes," he said. "When did you begin to have feelings for me again?" I asked. And so the next hour passed, with us speaking about our past, and where we stand at the present.
I was so full of excitement that August day, waiting for new students to arrive for dorm move-in day. I sat downstairs in the lobby just gazing out the window, wondering what this new year would bring, and waiting for those I would share it with to take their first steps toward me... the first of many walks, and smiles, and memories we would all share. My first memory of Justin is of him walking through those large glass doors, wearing a cubs hat and plaid shorts, and I was in complete confusion of whether I should first question his sexuality and plaid shorts, or love him for being a cubs fan. Either way I was smitten, and spent the next few weeks finding all excuses to get to know him better. As luck or destiny would have it, his room belonged right across the hall from mine... four feet apart from each other. We were destined for trouble. In the following nights, the small hallway between us harbored conversations lasting into the wee hours of the morning. Conversations which left me more certain with each sentence that he could be different than other men, and more than I ever thought was possible in one person.
If it hadn't been for Justin, I honestly believe I still be with Sean to this day.... possibly even married. Maybe it really wasn't Justin at all, I think, and maybe it was me, just needing an excuse, a little hope, an outlet to allow me to break free from the hold he had on me. No matter the logic, it WAS Justin who was there. Standing in the doorway directly across from mine... the boy next door. Challenging everything I had believed of men, and striking a cord of curiosity inside me. After a lot of prayer, anticipation, nerves, heartache, anger, courage, and many other things I made the decision I had mentally committed to a million times. In every car ride listening to sleeping at last, with every tear, in every dream of what I wanted my life to be, and with every shred of self-esteem he took from me I longed to be free from him. And as sure as I was that I wanted to break our ties, I was all that more in love and attached to him the second my eyes would lock in with his sparkling greens, that I could never get away... but tonight I was emotionally committed, more than I ever had been in my life to something. And with that, we were done. As the words fell out of my mouth in his car I couldn't shed a tear, even watching the one I loved for so long sob. It wasn't until months later that his heartbreak really hit me. We both knew that after this there was no going back, no getting back together again. I just knew he was not the one for me. "Tell me that you know I am not the one for you and there's no chance we will ever get back together," Sean pleaded. "I just need to hear you say it so I can move on." And so I did. And I meant it. In every dream I had as a child of how my married life would be, how my husband would look and act and how he would make me feel... I just knew it wasn't Sean. The end of an era.
When I returned upstairs from our fateful and the last car ride Sean and I would ever share, Justin waited with his door opened, knowing nothing of what had just gone on outside. He knew I had a boyfriend, and he was aware that it was him calling and begging me to come down and talk to him, but of how my heart felt he had no idea. As I told him the story of everything that happened he listened quietly from his side of the hallway, leaning on the door frame with his arms crossed and his brown eyes glued to mine. By the end of our conversations we had gotten used to sitting and even lying on the floor, our backs still pressed up against our separate walls. With me being an RA, our late night heart-to-hearts quickly became a scandal all girls jealous of me and head-over-heals for Justin felt the need to report. And like that our feelings for each other became a rumor neither of us would confirm or deny. After being banned from the hallways, our conversation moved into our separate rooms, which in retrospect, was an idea we both knew could be bad, but chose to naive-ly ignore.
I remember telling my friends that I had just met the perfect guy. I had never used such language before, and even now I am slightly embarrassed to think that I said such things, but I did... And I believed it with all of my heart.
In playing our games, I ran away from him as fast as I could to the other side of my room (I had undoubtably stolen something of his, hit him, or something equally as obnoxious). Stopping at my door frame to see if he had caught up, I turned around to see his face inches from mine. As I backed away, his arms braced himself against the wall behind me, pinning me where I stood. I'm sure I could have found a way out had I really wanted to, but all I wanted at that moment was to kiss him... And we did, and we didn't stop until we had unleashed every ounce of passion we had built up with our weeks of talking from four feet away... and I had never felt so close to someone from four feet away. We were together for a few months at best, our friendship, talks, and passion declining vastly from where it began with every day. Soon it seemed as if he was making himself busy and unavailable on purpose, and the more he pulled away the more rejected I felt, nagging him for more and more attention.... the feeling was unbearable. And with that I told him I couldn't do this anymore.
That was November, and although we made casual, awkward conversation with one another in passing, we didn't see each other very often, even with our once convenient proximity. Through the winter and spring we both had new loves, new flings, and plenty of other things to keep our minds occupied from the other person. It wasn't until one fateful night in June that we really spoke again. Stumbling back to the dorms from a party, I walked off the elevator to hear talking and laughter from Tori's room. Upon entering, I saw Justin and Tori, also drunk, laughing at YouTube videos on her computer. Without hurt, pride, or awkwardness to stand between us, I approached Justin and told him he should race with me down the hallway. The race turned into him carrying me down to my room piggyback, dropping me on the floor, and then helping me up and into one of the vacant rooms. As we sat on the bare mattress we talked, laughed, and decided we would be friends from that point on. For the rest of the summer Justin and I had an affinity for getting ourselves into drunken situations together and a couple times getting together. Afterwards we would vow it'd be the last, which I never believed, until it was. And we were actually "just friends." And I love being just friends with Justin.
"It was while you were moving your things out of the dorm," he said, was when he realized how he felt for me, and how much he would miss me. Its funny, because one thing he said to me when we broke up was that maybe we just never had time to miss each other, living so close. Maybe he was right after all...
We will see how this whole situation pans out in the next couple weeks... or days... who knows really. You know how sometimes you dream and hope of getting back together with someone so bad? Or at least a little part of you always longed for that reunion? I have been like that with almost every boyfriend I've ever had, except for Justin. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think or wish that we would get back together as a couple. All I had every wanted and hoped for was that we would be able to be friends again... and now we are :) I never thought that he would want a relationship with me, or that I wanted one with him, until I am thinking about it now.
These feelings now, seem so reminiscent of the movie Definitely, Maybe. I watch that movie and wonder where my love life will end up. Who my college sweetheart, fiance, husband, and any other flings in between will be played by, and who I will be destined to end up with. But like in the movie, I get afraid that I will make a bad choice and we will end up in divorce, or end up not even being able to be friends anymore... I do not wish that on anyone. The plot of Justin and I is reminiscent of the main character and his Emily, the woman he ends up marrying and divorcing later. Whose to say things would end up in either of those, but I just find it hard to go back to an old flame, and expect the light to be any greater than it was in the past...
How are we to know when it is ok to look back, go back, or never turn back?
Sincerely,
lizzy