My mind is a weapon
I have come to the conclusion that my mind is a weapon. I am not saying that I have an intellectual mind and use it to play battle of wits with some pretentious and pompass individual.. just that if I am left alone for one moment and allow my mind to flow, it is a start off to some kind of emotional warfare I have against myself. I have always been a worrier and always think too much about things to a point where I get upset, and in that way.. my mind is more dangerous than a gun or a sword or anything that can cause physical pain. I may as well take a hammer and bash my head, heart and soul because I do this and I really don't know why. It seems like although I'm sorting things out in my head, it gets left contained there. I get asked what is wrong and have a billion things to say but all that is uttered from of my mouth is 'Nothing. And theres an overflow of "somethings" that just can't be voiced out. It's so difficult. But then I start to wonder (again with the thinking) Shouldn't he know? Am I really THAT mysterious and vague that if you looked at me, you couldn't tell what was wrong? No I am not trying to say you need to be a mind reader with me... but I find it very hard to believe that I could possibly be the only one that could know what is WRONG, when it is so vividly right in front of you. I don't even want to say, 'Oh, he is just a man, men don't know." I say that is a bunch of bullshit. They do know, they just don't want to get into it. But I am used to sayiing 'nothing' is wrong. I am used to brushing it off because I feel like if they really wanted to know, if they were observant and in tune with me, it isn't hard to see or figure out. I think I am just tired. Tired that I am always the one that is the affectionate. The one who always misses, loves, wishes and needs. I am not asking for a fairy tale. Or maybe I am.. because my fairy tale is this... To be loved. Oh I am sure I am loved, but this is what I am needing: I need to feel it in every possible way, so much so that I cannot breathe. When I wake up, I feel lifted, and when I go to bed I am eased. I want to go throughout the day knowing 100 percent. I don't feel that is asking too much. You don't need to be rich, you don't need to have a degree in college, you don't need to be superman to do this. What irritates me, is when people talk about relationships and blame it on 'the courting.' ..Oh the courting is over, this is it. I will not let it be it. I know for damn sure I deserve MORE that just it. I did not leave a empty relationship to start up another one. I want to feel like when I come home, I was missed. I don't want to look at the back of you when I am talking to you. I want to be touched. Not just physically but emotionally. I don't want to have to be up at 3am feeling like this because I thought that it was over. I thought I wasn't going to hurt anymore.
I am now paused and the thoughts are starting to tangle. My ex Steven (who I was with for over 13 years) and Dave, the man I am with now and love so very much.. they are two, very caring, very good individuals. Hard working, tolerate alot, and patient. So its me. It must be. It is. I want to say fuck that, it cannot be me. But the plain truth of the matter is, it has to be.
I am now paused and the thoughts are starting to tangle. My ex Steven (who I was with for over 13 years) and Dave, the man I am with now and love so very much.. they are two, very caring, very good individuals. Hard working, tolerate alot, and patient. So its me. It must be. It is. I want to say fuck that, it cannot be me. But the plain truth of the matter is, it has to be.