(no subject)
I cant deal anymore. I just cant.
I try to do so good. And some moments just get me.
Me and michael broke up. I just read his lj.. and its awful. It hasnt even been a week and hes acting as if hes married to this girl. Im sorry.. i cant help feeling like this.. Hes fucking moving to boston with her. Hes leaving me, which hes known and been so close to for almost 3 years and hes only known this chick, not even a month and hes fucking moving in with her. I cant even deal. No one in the world knows how i feel. I try and look so strong, and sometimes i even feel strong. But.. deep down i just feel like i have a huge gash in my body, in my heart and theres nothing i can do about it. SO much bullshit went on in school yesterday i was a fucking ca-tast-ra-fee. I couldnt control my emotions.. i just fucking felt like.. like.. everything that i ever knew..lied to me. Not just michael..but.. everyone.
I started hanging with jeff. We've been hanging out everyday. Hes so nice to me. I know he really likes me, and for a while i denied it because i thought it would never go anywhere. We've kissed. But.. i told him no boyfriend and girlfriend stuff..because i dont want to be tied down right now. I think its because ive been hurt alot lately.. and because ive been so happy at the same time. Well.. i have to say.. im ..so scared right now. I feel like one of those kids that are afraid of the dark and im in the dark all the time. Ya know those kids?..That just are pet-tra-fied of it.. and theres nothing anyone can do for them.. even night lights dont work. Well.. i feel like im that kid.. and jeffs my night light.. he makes it so im not so lonely all the time.. or he tries..but its just..its not what i really feel is right i guess.
He told me a couple nights ago that hes never been so depressed.. and its only gotten worse since the last time we had a serious conversation. But he travels down the same road. He doesnt talk to me. He barely looked at me in school today. I think he tried to just forget about me. Which is so hard. Because hes about the only thing thats on my mind. (ok..well..theres alot alot on my mind.. but hes a major thing) He said that i spread rumors about him. Well.. its half true. I told 2 people 1 thing and it was a joke and i even went in the next day and was like " i lied" not i was kidding i felt so bad i even told them that it was a lie. So.. now we dont talk.. i know it was childish.. i know it was. I just heard so much shit about him and it hurt so bad. That i felt like i had to do something and my friend amanda was eggin me on.. so.. its like.. ehhh.. okay. But.. i know now that it wasnt okay. and i shouldnt have done it.
Ive got my eye on a kid from mech. I dont know how thats gonna go.. but.. i wanna talk to him. I met him when i was dating michael.. and i wouldnt give him my s/n because i thought that would be wrong. I met him on new years eve.. and he was so cute. But.. well.. hes not really my type physically. not that hes not really hot.. but hes tan and blonde, and has a 6 pac and hes a bit short for my taste. And.. i like..pale..tall..older..dark haired..kids. Jeremy told me dont go. Jeremy also told me to stop hanging out with jeff when i was dating michael the week that we broke up because michael was conserned about me and jeff.. even though nothing happened.. Im scared..because say jeremy was right and jeff had a part in me and michael breaking up.. what if jeremy tells me not to go and i go.. what happens then. Will jer be right, or will i miss out on a good time?
Ad it makes me mad because I stuck with him when he went to court, when he went to jail. How many nights did i cry because i was just hopeing he was okay. And that nothing would make him sad, because i hated to see him sad. And i can always tell when somethings wrong and its like no one else can. His eyes can tell me everything and it makes me sad. I guess thats part of the reason i dont look at him in school because im afraid of what his eyes might tell me. Like..over you.. no feelings anymore..get out of my way. Im just too scared. I thought i would like to see him.. but its so hard. Well.. i mean.. no. gah. I heard his last day of school is May 3rd. Im not sure though. GOD. He cant move to boston..He cant. And ya know the thing that hurts right now..hes down the road from where i am right now. Hes at fucking stephanies right now. His a.m. says "stephanies :-*" and it hasnt even been a week that we've been broken up. It hurts so bad. And its like.. yea ive kissed jeff.. not because im over michael because it was the right moment.. and i knew he wanted it. But it was a kiss.. and a kiss is a kiss. And im sure what he gives her arent kisses.. they're something that means....something. And it scares me. And im sure he feels like theres no reason for me to feel like this. But hes never been put in my situation. And i couldnt tell you why i just dont say fuck you! and never talk to me again. Like.. should i get sick of this shit. Well.. all the girl bullshit, yes i get so tired of. But.. i dont know what im supposed to do. I wanted to give his stuff back to him.. His ring that he gave me, his belt, his belt buckel.. i dont know what i was thinking about all the pictures in my room.. Ive got like 7 or 8 of him. and 3 or 4 of them are of us together. I dont know how he can feel so strong about stephanie and so ready to give up me. I guess im just so despensible. I feel so..lied to. I gave him everything. Ready to give my whole....body to him. I wanted that so bad. Its..probably the worst feeling in the world, to have this, person..in your life.. always in your life no matter what.. no matter how long we dont talk, maybe going to jail again and being there for a while, and/or moving to boston with a girl that he just met..
So figure it out how im doing..
Lauren