4.5 years later....
Not much has changed. I probably shouldn't have read my last post from 4+ years ago, as it's tainted my narrative a bit.
But here I go. I'm not even trying to rational myself as trying to be a "better person". Right now, in life, I'm at a point where I am drinking (or wanting to do drugs), such that in my day to day life I "feel" accomplished. I am at such a depressed point that I can not enjoy anything unless I'm under the influence. Like 5, 10 years ago I'd be happy playing games with friends and get some enjoyment out of it. Now I need to drink, to enjoy playing games. To feel like I'm analyzing all the angles, doing something, I need to be drunk, and if I'm not... it's not worth it.
Don't get me wrong, my hobbies have expanded to drinking with random people from social sports leagues. The need to drink after those events is mainly due to crippling isolation and not wanting to socialize with them (for various reasons). I mean, it feels great trying to meet new people as an introvert, over years, but not getting any sort of "click" with them blows. Dating is a whole other shit show I won't get started on, but just imagine the idea that everyone you meet is someone you want to fade on. That's what socializing feels like, I can't give a shit about anyone new. As a counter point, I am shit to people that I should be socializing with. But that's the dredge of depression right ¯\_(ツ)_/¯?
There was a whole part in the last year or whatever where things weren't fire and brimestone. I dated someone. It was okay. I did not abuse substances (I think), I met new people I actually cared about. I wasn't annoyed by everyone. But you know what happened? Trust. After it ended, and I thought we could be civil, but it got sour. I got hurt, and not by just her. Like the shit she pulled after it was over, whatever it's typical and I can deal with it. But the trust I put in other people, the friends I made, and how they just half cared about me ate at me.
The shit that went down ate at me at a very depressive level. Like, it made me outwardly more depressed and emotional than ever before... But my friends were trying to stay so partial, in various degrees about know the situation, that it sickened me. Like the last year or so I've been very open with my depression, my suicidal tendencies... mostly from this, and I'd say 80% of the time no one knows how to handle it (not that it's a bad thing). And that's the trust part. People I put trust in, shrug it off and don't acknowledge it. And I'm crazy, but no one wants to be like... yeah okay Chris. I'll be in your corner no matter what.
Let's switch off that and talk about my self worth. So last post I talked about teaching, expanding knowledge. I guess I'm still good at that since some of my friends I feel betrayed by are senior/principle engineers and I'm... not. I'm still at a level where when I try to question someone (and expand both our knowledge's), I'm looked as a crotchety old bitch. At least the job I was fired from the cunt blasters won't even expand my knowledge on why I was wrong and just fired me. Now at least I'm half listened to.... but I'm fighting such little battles I don't even care. And then we go back to a vicious cycle of me not feeling worth that feeds itself.
And then maybe I should think, "What really is important?". Sure maybe I'm not a hotshot, career pinpointed engineer that how to work his way through a Github page that can barley load and make sure every project is on point with the best god damn best code ever. Google won't suck my dick off for code. I'm not a psychic and a God, and so I'll switch focus. Yeah that didn't last well. I tried eating well, doing a "best effort" exercise regimen, and not doing drugs. Wasn't bad, I was 30 lbs. lighter, felt not bad. But I couldn't keep it up. It helped me strive in a lot of areas, think I had more dates, could actually breathe. But bottom line, my life wasn't any better. It was like my ex was telling me "oh you did something great, well I didn't tell you do; and the world isn't any better". Especially with no external help from my friends, it wasn't sustainable.
And here I stand alone, like I mentioned before in this journal my father passed when I was 19. At 30 my mother is about to die. My family and I are emotionally fucked, but I'm so ready to give up once I don't have to worry anymore.
But here I go. I'm not even trying to rational myself as trying to be a "better person". Right now, in life, I'm at a point where I am drinking (or wanting to do drugs), such that in my day to day life I "feel" accomplished. I am at such a depressed point that I can not enjoy anything unless I'm under the influence. Like 5, 10 years ago I'd be happy playing games with friends and get some enjoyment out of it. Now I need to drink, to enjoy playing games. To feel like I'm analyzing all the angles, doing something, I need to be drunk, and if I'm not... it's not worth it.
Don't get me wrong, my hobbies have expanded to drinking with random people from social sports leagues. The need to drink after those events is mainly due to crippling isolation and not wanting to socialize with them (for various reasons). I mean, it feels great trying to meet new people as an introvert, over years, but not getting any sort of "click" with them blows. Dating is a whole other shit show I won't get started on, but just imagine the idea that everyone you meet is someone you want to fade on. That's what socializing feels like, I can't give a shit about anyone new. As a counter point, I am shit to people that I should be socializing with. But that's the dredge of depression right ¯\_(ツ)_/¯?
There was a whole part in the last year or whatever where things weren't fire and brimestone. I dated someone. It was okay. I did not abuse substances (I think), I met new people I actually cared about. I wasn't annoyed by everyone. But you know what happened? Trust. After it ended, and I thought we could be civil, but it got sour. I got hurt, and not by just her. Like the shit she pulled after it was over, whatever it's typical and I can deal with it. But the trust I put in other people, the friends I made, and how they just half cared about me ate at me.
The shit that went down ate at me at a very depressive level. Like, it made me outwardly more depressed and emotional than ever before... But my friends were trying to stay so partial, in various degrees about know the situation, that it sickened me. Like the last year or so I've been very open with my depression, my suicidal tendencies... mostly from this, and I'd say 80% of the time no one knows how to handle it (not that it's a bad thing). And that's the trust part. People I put trust in, shrug it off and don't acknowledge it. And I'm crazy, but no one wants to be like... yeah okay Chris. I'll be in your corner no matter what.
Let's switch off that and talk about my self worth. So last post I talked about teaching, expanding knowledge. I guess I'm still good at that since some of my friends I feel betrayed by are senior/principle engineers and I'm... not. I'm still at a level where when I try to question someone (and expand both our knowledge's), I'm looked as a crotchety old bitch. At least the job I was fired from the cunt blasters won't even expand my knowledge on why I was wrong and just fired me. Now at least I'm half listened to.... but I'm fighting such little battles I don't even care. And then we go back to a vicious cycle of me not feeling worth that feeds itself.
And then maybe I should think, "What really is important?". Sure maybe I'm not a hotshot, career pinpointed engineer that how to work his way through a Github page that can barley load and make sure every project is on point with the best god damn best code ever. Google won't suck my dick off for code. I'm not a psychic and a God, and so I'll switch focus. Yeah that didn't last well. I tried eating well, doing a "best effort" exercise regimen, and not doing drugs. Wasn't bad, I was 30 lbs. lighter, felt not bad. But I couldn't keep it up. It helped me strive in a lot of areas, think I had more dates, could actually breathe. But bottom line, my life wasn't any better. It was like my ex was telling me "oh you did something great, well I didn't tell you do; and the world isn't any better". Especially with no external help from my friends, it wasn't sustainable.
And here I stand alone, like I mentioned before in this journal my father passed when I was 19. At 30 my mother is about to die. My family and I are emotionally fucked, but I'm so ready to give up once I don't have to worry anymore.