(no subject)
I don't know what upsets me more, the reason that I am upset or the recently developing tendency to go to church when I'm upset.
Went to C. and Aleksey's wedding yesterday and they were adorable. I think of marriages and by unfortunate circumstances, my attendance of weddings, like different types of stocks. There are the stocks you buy and sell for a quick buck and there are those you keep to accrue value and maybe dividends. I prefer to invest in the latter.
Having said that, I really wish I'd just congratulated them in private and sent them their wedding gift. I've only attended a grand total of three weddings thus far but each successive one has only solidified my opinion that joyful events are simply not my venue. I mean, let's face it, I look for the silver lining, not the sunrise, and think that ecstasy necessitates demise immediately afterward. There were people there who I hadn't seen in about a year, some longer, and it was painful to realize that I was uncomfortable around them. That I would have preferred to hear about them from other acquaintances rather than acknowledge the fact that my friendship with these people, people I'd laughed with, cried with (well, on their part), talked until 4 a.m. with, is if not gone, really fractured. Part of me wants to try and rebuild, see if there's any way the adults we are now have anything meaningful to share. After all, I wouldn't be thinking about this if I didn't care at all about them anymore.
The rest of me looks at the future, at increasingly limited options, not least of which are time and energy, and wonders if you can't weigh or measure friendship, then how do you know when to let it go, or if it's already gone?
Went to C. and Aleksey's wedding yesterday and they were adorable. I think of marriages and by unfortunate circumstances, my attendance of weddings, like different types of stocks. There are the stocks you buy and sell for a quick buck and there are those you keep to accrue value and maybe dividends. I prefer to invest in the latter.
Having said that, I really wish I'd just congratulated them in private and sent them their wedding gift. I've only attended a grand total of three weddings thus far but each successive one has only solidified my opinion that joyful events are simply not my venue. I mean, let's face it, I look for the silver lining, not the sunrise, and think that ecstasy necessitates demise immediately afterward. There were people there who I hadn't seen in about a year, some longer, and it was painful to realize that I was uncomfortable around them. That I would have preferred to hear about them from other acquaintances rather than acknowledge the fact that my friendship with these people, people I'd laughed with, cried with (well, on their part), talked until 4 a.m. with, is if not gone, really fractured. Part of me wants to try and rebuild, see if there's any way the adults we are now have anything meaningful to share. After all, I wouldn't be thinking about this if I didn't care at all about them anymore.
The rest of me looks at the future, at increasingly limited options, not least of which are time and energy, and wonders if you can't weigh or measure friendship, then how do you know when to let it go, or if it's already gone?