(no subject)
My ability to write is passing away, perhaps in a way I cannot understand, and maybe that is because I've become near the end of growth and I look at me and realize, that's it. It's not going to be much else that can change, and though there are parts of me I really like and things I wish I could change, it's weird that growth is near ending.
I guess this is momentous or whatever for some people, the concept of graduation and moving on and since I removed myself from the world that I knew (or rather was removed, because I enjoy just leaving and not saying goodbye). I was there. All I can say is it felt strange. As if I should feel different, as if I should have molted and left some sort of shell behind and then broken off in a different form, but all I had was an ornate (now framed) sheet of paper and the well wishes of those that knew me. Perhaps it is different because I am intending on going to school more, but grad school is much more like a job than school. Just one that stretches your mind and makes it feel weaker. All my energy that is within my neuronal structure and my soul, it has kind of dissipated into bursts of feigned creative intellect and turning papers out that are close to crap. Nothing else.
And I wish things were simpler. My first year is basically done and I think I'm going to go home for a week and a half or so. There, the entire world is in danger of spinning and falling away as all that I did know is now not known and is different. If I lose that, I have no home because this isn't my home, though the lands around State College are wonderful and I'd love to have a ranch or whatever here. But I don't have a clue of the future and it's not like I'm in line to get the family fortune or whatever. I appreciate all that I did ever get and the simple things that surround those things. I could not stand it otherwise, to be wealthy and unhappy.
Why ramble with nothing to say? Because it's not like others are really filling the gap. I had to add communities to make my friends page worth updating on a weekly basis. And they're not exactly enjoyable because they're poor me angst stuff. I feel like the fact that people use these public displays of self-flagellation is not exactly a good thing for the psyche. We may think it is, but it ain't. We can't just keep wallowing in our sorrows, we need to look and force ourselves to see the beauty that surrounds us, regardless of where it is. It is everywhere and we can see the same flower or person or mountain or cloud and think of how gaudy and ugly or see it shine in beauty. It is all clothed in the way it is perceived. And unfortunately, we enjoy sadness. We enjoy to fall and to be clothed in misery and helplessness. For at heart, we're all children. And we all want our mothers to hold us and someone to defend us and to say it is okay and to provide and do those things.
Well, it's soon off to Hershey and to get some more fancy brain pictures of others. And so on. Have a good time, all. I'm going to write my masterpiece this summer and I'm excited. I held off starting because it's a summer novel at heart and it has to be written in the summer. It just has to fit in that way. It will be my crowning achievement and likely just sit on my hard drive until someone has the wherewithal to actually care about things in the future.
I guess this is momentous or whatever for some people, the concept of graduation and moving on and since I removed myself from the world that I knew (or rather was removed, because I enjoy just leaving and not saying goodbye). I was there. All I can say is it felt strange. As if I should feel different, as if I should have molted and left some sort of shell behind and then broken off in a different form, but all I had was an ornate (now framed) sheet of paper and the well wishes of those that knew me. Perhaps it is different because I am intending on going to school more, but grad school is much more like a job than school. Just one that stretches your mind and makes it feel weaker. All my energy that is within my neuronal structure and my soul, it has kind of dissipated into bursts of feigned creative intellect and turning papers out that are close to crap. Nothing else.
And I wish things were simpler. My first year is basically done and I think I'm going to go home for a week and a half or so. There, the entire world is in danger of spinning and falling away as all that I did know is now not known and is different. If I lose that, I have no home because this isn't my home, though the lands around State College are wonderful and I'd love to have a ranch or whatever here. But I don't have a clue of the future and it's not like I'm in line to get the family fortune or whatever. I appreciate all that I did ever get and the simple things that surround those things. I could not stand it otherwise, to be wealthy and unhappy.
Why ramble with nothing to say? Because it's not like others are really filling the gap. I had to add communities to make my friends page worth updating on a weekly basis. And they're not exactly enjoyable because they're poor me angst stuff. I feel like the fact that people use these public displays of self-flagellation is not exactly a good thing for the psyche. We may think it is, but it ain't. We can't just keep wallowing in our sorrows, we need to look and force ourselves to see the beauty that surrounds us, regardless of where it is. It is everywhere and we can see the same flower or person or mountain or cloud and think of how gaudy and ugly or see it shine in beauty. It is all clothed in the way it is perceived. And unfortunately, we enjoy sadness. We enjoy to fall and to be clothed in misery and helplessness. For at heart, we're all children. And we all want our mothers to hold us and someone to defend us and to say it is okay and to provide and do those things.
Well, it's soon off to Hershey and to get some more fancy brain pictures of others. And so on. Have a good time, all. I'm going to write my masterpiece this summer and I'm excited. I held off starting because it's a summer novel at heart and it has to be written in the summer. It just has to fit in that way. It will be my crowning achievement and likely just sit on my hard drive until someone has the wherewithal to actually care about things in the future.