And the Jessicus spoke... "Fuck!"

[theredbamboo]

I've never disliked myself so much while at the same time being loved so much. My defenses have become my downfall. My friends my enemies. And like the good little bug zappers they are have successfully killed anything that tried to fly into my light. I'm just bait for someone elses amusement I guess. And so my happiness drops like flies and scatters like roaches. Amidst webs and tunnels I'll be a captive before I'm home. At times my I'm only safe in prison. How do spectators call me a free spirit. How do they fawn on me as if I had wings and they didn't. How in my weightless liberation is my heart so heavy and decorating someone elses garden. Not an inch of me is mine. I'd say keep your receipt but I'm sure you won't get anything for it. My words are useless and my actions act against me. My thoughts are wet, leaking, seeping through. I could paint you your own world with all this wine and still have a puddle big enough to drown my tribulations in. Who wants to soak them up before they evaporate? I could cut years deep and never find my own blood, never feel my own pain. I'm a constant observer of myself. I always hear myself behind the glass screaming "Don't open the door!" but I need this even if it's misfortune, even it's awful. It's going to be there whether I open the door or not. If there were zombies scraping at my window, I might just let them in so I don't have to worry about them getting in. Well looks like we're gonna do this your way. A mistake but nothing regrettable. Time to waste time. I want to be one of the beautiful. I want to be wrapped in white linens everyday and wear no shoes. I want to feel flawless, even if I'm not. I envy the people who love themselves even when they don't deserve it. But then again whats more deserving of a horrible person then to be loved by the same horrible person. Compare the love of angels with butterflies and you may get a glimmer of my disposition. Somethings are only beatuiful because they can fly. I'll keep you even if it means cutting off your wings. You'll still be beautiful.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise, it moves us along.

I'm fading away like the monster under the bed, like the tooth fairy, unicorns and the boogieman, I never even got to really exist before you stopped believing in me. Nowadays I stare into my closet wishing I still saw shadows come to life. I curse the day I met reality. I curse reason.

You arn't the only one with armor made of spikes.

I want something I don't know, something I'll never figure out, a questions I'll never be able to answer so I can go on forever dreaming of the answers.

I'm going to sleep now. Are you afraid of the dark too?

I wash my hands. The stain remains.

Fin.