(no subject)
This is one of those times where I know I made the wrong decision.
But I think that it really was the only possible one.
I've been hurt so many times, and prepared myself to be hurt, yet kept going back.
Graduation, I knew I was going to lose, but somehow I didn't.
Summer ended, she was going, and that was to be that. But somehow it didnt.
Then it really did end. And she told me what I'd known all along, that he'd always been there. I'd known, but I ignored it.
It was over, and it still continued.
I withstood the times when she mentioned all of them, I was fine with it, or told myself I was, all I really wanted was her, no matter what kind of past she came with.
I opened up in ways I never had. She knows so much more about me than anyone else does or possibly could. She really is the only one I've let in.
I followed as she ran away from the world, and now I'm running away from her, probably because I've told her so much.
And I think about all of these things, and I realize that it would never work. Not because we come from different worlds, not because there's someone else, but because I want it to work too badly. I love her. The whole time I was confusing my loving her for my needing someone to hold.
If it was that, I'd be fine, I could just move on and hold someone else's hand. Now I have the oppurtunity, probably. And a really large part of me wants to, to get in a relationship that would be kicks and giggles, that would require no thoughts, an affair in which I can say cute things and get cute responses. But I can get that from a dog. I need something more, and I think I threw it away.
This really isn't like me. I don't regret things, especially after two hours, but this is real, this is life, and it sucks.
But I think that it really was the only possible one.
I've been hurt so many times, and prepared myself to be hurt, yet kept going back.
Graduation, I knew I was going to lose, but somehow I didn't.
Summer ended, she was going, and that was to be that. But somehow it didnt.
Then it really did end. And she told me what I'd known all along, that he'd always been there. I'd known, but I ignored it.
It was over, and it still continued.
I withstood the times when she mentioned all of them, I was fine with it, or told myself I was, all I really wanted was her, no matter what kind of past she came with.
I opened up in ways I never had. She knows so much more about me than anyone else does or possibly could. She really is the only one I've let in.
I followed as she ran away from the world, and now I'm running away from her, probably because I've told her so much.
And I think about all of these things, and I realize that it would never work. Not because we come from different worlds, not because there's someone else, but because I want it to work too badly. I love her. The whole time I was confusing my loving her for my needing someone to hold.
If it was that, I'd be fine, I could just move on and hold someone else's hand. Now I have the oppurtunity, probably. And a really large part of me wants to, to get in a relationship that would be kicks and giggles, that would require no thoughts, an affair in which I can say cute things and get cute responses. But I can get that from a dog. I need something more, and I think I threw it away.
This really isn't like me. I don't regret things, especially after two hours, but this is real, this is life, and it sucks.