This is depressing so don't read it
I found out today that the editing equipment I have doesn't work on my Powerbook, which means I now have to buy a whole new computer. I don't know if I can just get a separate hard drive or whatever they are called and hook it up to mine, of if I need to get a whole new shabang. I'm kinda bummed, considering I already spent 5,000 dollars on everything I already have, and now I need to spend even more. I'm at the point where I really don't care. It's just yet another bump in the road.
This leads me to thinking I'm going to have to work this year up at school, which I was considering not doing. I really really really just wanted a break after working a summer at Monterry, and then all last school year at Beaner's, and now again at Monterrey. I'm really getting very tired of working and a school year off would be nice, for creative, mental, and physical purposes. Also, I need to get my grades up.
I'm very excited for school to start back up. I can't wait to be on a schedule again that will keep me busy. That way I won't have time to think about my life, and I'll just be doing stuff.
It's funny how time changes things. Last summer I think was the happiest time of my life. This summer I think I'm at the lowest point in my life thus far. I haven't had a period of time where I have been so uhnappy for such an extended amount of time.
It has been disgusting to me lately watching how happy some people can be. I know that sounds really bad. I feel myself becoming that person that nobody wants to be around. I have all of this negative energy in me that I never let out until lately, and I'm just waiting until I turn into that asshole person that is alone that doesn't have any real friends and secretly hates themselves. I already treat my mom like shit. I feel really bad about that, but I think I have this built up anger toward her because she can't see how fragile I've become this summer. It's just like I'm the same old person and that is how she treats me.
I've also been thinking about the future, which makes me nervous. Part of why I've been freaking out like this lately is I see how easy it is for my nightmare to become true. Failure is something I can easily fall into at this point in my life. I don't want to be stuck in Michigan, and I don't want to live in some suburb. I don't want to be content with a middle class poistion in life. I do want to be rich, and I want to live in a city, and I want to be well known in my profession, and who the fuck knows, maybe even fall in love. I want it all I guess. I feel kind of bad saying that, like I am looking down on people that find that adaquate, but I dream big and I want all to happen.
Maybe the most frustrating thing is that I honestly do feel like I have the talent to make it. I think I'm good at what I've been doing so far, and I think I could be great, and if I do fail, I guess I wasted what God has given me.
I've also been thinking about becoming more religious lately, but I seriously doubt that will happen any time soon.
I also want to read a book.
: )
This leads me to thinking I'm going to have to work this year up at school, which I was considering not doing. I really really really just wanted a break after working a summer at Monterry, and then all last school year at Beaner's, and now again at Monterrey. I'm really getting very tired of working and a school year off would be nice, for creative, mental, and physical purposes. Also, I need to get my grades up.
I'm very excited for school to start back up. I can't wait to be on a schedule again that will keep me busy. That way I won't have time to think about my life, and I'll just be doing stuff.
It's funny how time changes things. Last summer I think was the happiest time of my life. This summer I think I'm at the lowest point in my life thus far. I haven't had a period of time where I have been so uhnappy for such an extended amount of time.
It has been disgusting to me lately watching how happy some people can be. I know that sounds really bad. I feel myself becoming that person that nobody wants to be around. I have all of this negative energy in me that I never let out until lately, and I'm just waiting until I turn into that asshole person that is alone that doesn't have any real friends and secretly hates themselves. I already treat my mom like shit. I feel really bad about that, but I think I have this built up anger toward her because she can't see how fragile I've become this summer. It's just like I'm the same old person and that is how she treats me.
I've also been thinking about the future, which makes me nervous. Part of why I've been freaking out like this lately is I see how easy it is for my nightmare to become true. Failure is something I can easily fall into at this point in my life. I don't want to be stuck in Michigan, and I don't want to live in some suburb. I don't want to be content with a middle class poistion in life. I do want to be rich, and I want to live in a city, and I want to be well known in my profession, and who the fuck knows, maybe even fall in love. I want it all I guess. I feel kind of bad saying that, like I am looking down on people that find that adaquate, but I dream big and I want all to happen.
Maybe the most frustrating thing is that I honestly do feel like I have the talent to make it. I think I'm good at what I've been doing so far, and I think I could be great, and if I do fail, I guess I wasted what God has given me.
I've also been thinking about becoming more religious lately, but I seriously doubt that will happen any time soon.
I also want to read a book.
: )