Fucked up
The last few weeks have been fucked up. No other way to describe them. I've been having the worst panic attacks I've had in years, even with the medicine. Nobody understands how bad they can be- it feels like you're either dying or going crazy and you have no control.
You stop leaving the house for anything other than work and give up things you love because you feel so screwed up inside and you know nobody would ever understand. In the end, it doesn't matter because you have the attack anyway, just now you are all alone when it happens because you've either alienated everyone or abandoned them.
I have been so depressed in the last weeks, more so than I think I've been in a very long time. I just don't understand why I am so screwed up. How did I get so far away from the path, so far that it seems impossible to get back?
I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore and now to top it all off, the panic attacks are back. 6 years ago I began medicine to stop them and for the last years it worked. I have had isolated smaller attacks here and there, not not the big ones. Now, out of the blue when I am at my most depressed and unhappy, they come back. I do have some great friends that continue to support me and I don't know what I'd do without them, mainly Meg, Ang and Davida.
It still tears me apart to know that not only can I not count on anyone else in this world, I can't even count on myself. I juat feel like giving up sometimes........
You stop leaving the house for anything other than work and give up things you love because you feel so screwed up inside and you know nobody would ever understand. In the end, it doesn't matter because you have the attack anyway, just now you are all alone when it happens because you've either alienated everyone or abandoned them.
I have been so depressed in the last weeks, more so than I think I've been in a very long time. I just don't understand why I am so screwed up. How did I get so far away from the path, so far that it seems impossible to get back?
I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore and now to top it all off, the panic attacks are back. 6 years ago I began medicine to stop them and for the last years it worked. I have had isolated smaller attacks here and there, not not the big ones. Now, out of the blue when I am at my most depressed and unhappy, they come back. I do have some great friends that continue to support me and I don't know what I'd do without them, mainly Meg, Ang and Davida.
It still tears me apart to know that not only can I not count on anyone else in this world, I can't even count on myself. I juat feel like giving up sometimes........