(no subject)
This is not an attempt to write a poem, but to outlet a few things that i have realized over the past few weeks... YOU may feel free to ignore this post
Sitting here in my dismal world of thought, a realization occurs to my sences, I may be stuck here forever inside my self. I may never triumph over the demons within me. I have been cursed with introversion, yet blessed with understanding and freedom from the inconsistancies of the other ways of life. I have abilities far beyond the normal mind, yet long for someone to share this knowledge and passion and intuition that i posess. I know many things i will not have, yet i long for them uncontrollably, i know if i had something to make me happy, the things i do not have wouldnt matter... but i neeed SOMETHING. The thing i want i know i will never have...so i strive to find something better or equal to its importance in my life. Yet weakness has me pinned and segregated from all ability to find anything but despair. My love of life is failing, the surreal beauty of nature no longer as bright to me. my faith in myself is dwindling, i reach deeper inside each day for the strength to continue the charade i have been living. Yesterday i asked my mom to buy a house and let me live there for free. I said it jokingly, i wasnt. i am unable to continue foreward because of obstacles in my midst, un bearable heartache and dismay plagues my days in wich i use to bask in the beauty of things around me... a dark cloud over my eyes keeps them focused only on the inside, which has never been a beautiful sight, and few people can understand because few have seen. I have wonderful new friends, who i am very thankful for, but i have never been well adapted to change, i will always yearn for the old, even if tainted and diseased, i will still miss what i once had. The abnormalities in my way of thinking make it hard for me to communicate, constantly struggling in words, constantly wishing i was not the way i am, yet celebrating the joyous nature of being myself, though inwardly ugly, and hard to understand, i still know that i have 2 people who are there for me, that understand me, deeper than myself would like to admit, and they are the reason i continue to pull forward each day and submit to life and its anomolous lack of sustinance. I have been cursed in more ways than one, the other i will not speak of, but it makes life difficult moreso than it should be...the ability to sustain a normal relationship with virtually anyone escapes my ability. I yearn for companionship, but strive for separateness from all humanity...for over the years, everyone but a small few have done nothing but scar me, Unaware of their harm done to me they continued to strive to wound me tearing apart the things that kept me, inside the battlefield the massacre is apparent only to me and the ones who know me... I do not know how i am supposed to continue, the pain is already a part of my frivolous insanity. To fix me would undo the natural selection of life, the gift of entwined feelings i have been graciously blessed with would wither and die leaving only a shell. I will continue to search for the happiness, while preserving the enstranged soul which holds me to whats left of my sanity. I also want to thank the people who have always been there for me, and who believe that i am at least a person, not an object, or a posession, You do know who you are, for i know you feel the way i do in many areas of life we share understanding.
He was once asked what a friend is, and his answer was, 'One soul abiding in two bodies.'
- Diogenes Lartius
Sitting here in my dismal world of thought, a realization occurs to my sences, I may be stuck here forever inside my self. I may never triumph over the demons within me. I have been cursed with introversion, yet blessed with understanding and freedom from the inconsistancies of the other ways of life. I have abilities far beyond the normal mind, yet long for someone to share this knowledge and passion and intuition that i posess. I know many things i will not have, yet i long for them uncontrollably, i know if i had something to make me happy, the things i do not have wouldnt matter... but i neeed SOMETHING. The thing i want i know i will never have...so i strive to find something better or equal to its importance in my life. Yet weakness has me pinned and segregated from all ability to find anything but despair. My love of life is failing, the surreal beauty of nature no longer as bright to me. my faith in myself is dwindling, i reach deeper inside each day for the strength to continue the charade i have been living. Yesterday i asked my mom to buy a house and let me live there for free. I said it jokingly, i wasnt. i am unable to continue foreward because of obstacles in my midst, un bearable heartache and dismay plagues my days in wich i use to bask in the beauty of things around me... a dark cloud over my eyes keeps them focused only on the inside, which has never been a beautiful sight, and few people can understand because few have seen. I have wonderful new friends, who i am very thankful for, but i have never been well adapted to change, i will always yearn for the old, even if tainted and diseased, i will still miss what i once had. The abnormalities in my way of thinking make it hard for me to communicate, constantly struggling in words, constantly wishing i was not the way i am, yet celebrating the joyous nature of being myself, though inwardly ugly, and hard to understand, i still know that i have 2 people who are there for me, that understand me, deeper than myself would like to admit, and they are the reason i continue to pull forward each day and submit to life and its anomolous lack of sustinance. I have been cursed in more ways than one, the other i will not speak of, but it makes life difficult moreso than it should be...the ability to sustain a normal relationship with virtually anyone escapes my ability. I yearn for companionship, but strive for separateness from all humanity...for over the years, everyone but a small few have done nothing but scar me, Unaware of their harm done to me they continued to strive to wound me tearing apart the things that kept me, inside the battlefield the massacre is apparent only to me and the ones who know me... I do not know how i am supposed to continue, the pain is already a part of my frivolous insanity. To fix me would undo the natural selection of life, the gift of entwined feelings i have been graciously blessed with would wither and die leaving only a shell. I will continue to search for the happiness, while preserving the enstranged soul which holds me to whats left of my sanity. I also want to thank the people who have always been there for me, and who believe that i am at least a person, not an object, or a posession, You do know who you are, for i know you feel the way i do in many areas of life we share understanding.
He was once asked what a friend is, and his answer was, 'One soul abiding in two bodies.'
- Diogenes Lartius