(no subject)
sometimes i don't know how to start these. i think that's usually the hardest part about most things - starting. once you get going, it somehow tends to find its way. but that first step or two can be confusing, intimidating, overwhelming, or just plain ominous. except for running. the first steps are by far the easiest when i go running. every step after that just gets more and more painful.
anyway, i've started now, for better or for worse. may as well keep going. i'm finding it difficult to focus on the essence of what i want to say - i feel somewhat different from usual, but everything i seem to construct to express it feels usual and habitual. what does that mean? what did i even just say? i'm not sure i know.
i feel a bit like i'm missing two things:
1) the worthwhile company of the people i care deeply about. and sometimes that is because of my own inability to focus on the present and soak it in.
2) the next version of social activities for this phase of my life. that's the only way i can think to say it. it's like i feel like 30 somethings that are cool (like me of course) are doing cool things and having cool times in ways that i don't know about yet. or that i know about, but just have not yet realized their coolness. i don't know why i feel this particularly, but it is my suspicion that i'm yet again emerging from certain social activity habits that no longer do it for me.
on the positive side, i have taken a few steps that i think i will actually be able to follow through on to start being healthier in terms of exercise. its not where i want to be yet, but its a good solid first step and that ties me right back into the opening of this entry. if that ain't full circle, i don't know what is....
anyway, i've started now, for better or for worse. may as well keep going. i'm finding it difficult to focus on the essence of what i want to say - i feel somewhat different from usual, but everything i seem to construct to express it feels usual and habitual. what does that mean? what did i even just say? i'm not sure i know.
i feel a bit like i'm missing two things:
1) the worthwhile company of the people i care deeply about. and sometimes that is because of my own inability to focus on the present and soak it in.
2) the next version of social activities for this phase of my life. that's the only way i can think to say it. it's like i feel like 30 somethings that are cool (like me of course) are doing cool things and having cool times in ways that i don't know about yet. or that i know about, but just have not yet realized their coolness. i don't know why i feel this particularly, but it is my suspicion that i'm yet again emerging from certain social activity habits that no longer do it for me.
on the positive side, i have taken a few steps that i think i will actually be able to follow through on to start being healthier in terms of exercise. its not where i want to be yet, but its a good solid first step and that ties me right back into the opening of this entry. if that ain't full circle, i don't know what is....