Drabble: You Can't
Title: You Can't
Genre: Drama
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jongkey
A/N: Contains transgender concepts. About 800 words.
click click click
The rampant search from a glow of artificial light reflected in slanted black eyes. Pupils run back and forth: reading, observing, finding information in the dark setting of the night. The mouse twitches in his hands, the windows zoom by and text is seen scrolling as a blur across the screen. He wants to find it because he does not know, he wants to know because he is uncertain, and he wants to be certain because he no longer wishes to be scared.
Kibum blinks and he finally pauses, his breath as still as ever, throat gone dry from nervousness.
MTF: Male to Female
Big black bolded letters that are daunting and frightening but oddly enough the most welcoming sight Kibum has ever seen.
One more click, several more foreign terms: sex reassignment surgery, vaginoplasty, hormone replacement therapy…
And he wants to know it: he wants to memorize every definition, understand every detail, and absorb every little piece of information because that is just how Kibum is as a person, never wanting to act in ignorance. He will learn first, he will do this all with reason because he does not want to make a decision he regrets (even though in his heart he knows the delays and second thoughts are hurting him the most).
Kibum will make an educated, well-thought out choice to feel validated and then, just then, his dreams may just come true. Maybe then he can finally have a chance to feel it, feel like he is no longer simply a shell, a misplaced soul, an alien. He can finally be who he was always meant to be.
There is no other option.
He licks his dry lips, biting on the surface skin until his breath stops short and the sudden surge of excitement leaps in his chest, Kibum’s heart soaring from every possible emotion all at once.
Right there on the website, a list of possibilities, hospitals and doctors who specialize in the field. He can call them, he can start his journey, he can find himself, she can find herself-
“You can’t.”
Sharp eyes widen, Kibum jumping in his bed as he scrambles to close every single page on his laptop, all the information, the knowledge, gone just like that. He holds the machine tightly to his chest, heavy puffs escaping his lungs as he looks to the source of the voice.
“Kibum you can’t do this.”
It’s Jonghyun.
“You just can’t Kibum. We… we have so much ahead of us right now.”
Caught by the fucking antagonizing bastard who could never understand.
“Do you really want to risk it all just like that? Think about how people would react.”
Like Kibum did not think about these things every goddamn day, like Kibum could ever possibly dispel the heavy cloud of anxiety inducing thoughts from his mind. Then Kibum’s breath hitches as the singer leans in close, body weighing on the bed frame as it creaks weakly, leaning in so closely that he can see the outline of large red lips, a sharp jaw line and pretty hazelnut eyes. Those eyes, they are pleading, remorseful and almost filled with a hint of pity.
“Are you doing this because of what happened, because of what I said?”
His world goes cold as the words echo in his head and Kibum shakes his head, shoving Jonghyun away from him with large bony hands. He glares darkly, glad for the mask of night that hides the hot tears blinking behind his eyelids.
“This is why I hate males,” hisses the man with a venomous nasal tone, “You guys just think it’s all about you, selfish idiots.”
Kibum almost regrets it immediately, the hurt look flashing across Jonghyun’s features, the man tired and exasperated, rising up and away from him. Jonghyun turns away, shoulders slumped and a cold back faces Kibum as the man heads to the door.
“Just don’t do it Kibum please.” A final plea from an almost croaking voice and Kibum thinks his friend may be on the verge of tears as well. “I won’t tell anyone so please.”
The door to the room closes softly and Jonghyun is gone, only stale air and a bitter coldness left behind.
Tears suddenly stain the sheets, Kibum holding back sobs, wetness slipping down his cheeks as he chokes for air. So much for being logical, so much for being assured, so much for information being enough to make a choice he would not regret. Either way he is hopeless, and Kibum lurches, nauseous attacks eating at his stomach and rattling him to the bones.
He lied to Jonghyun, Kibum lied because there was no way he could ever forget what Jonghyun had said to him.
He would never forget.
If you were a girl, I would love you.
-----
This is a sensitive concept I know, but I just had to because the muse would not leave me.
And no, I do not really think Kibum wants to be a girl but then again, I do not know what any of the Shinee members think when it comes to issues like these... Yet in the end, it would probably not change my image of them.
Anyway, sorry if I was very inaccurate in expressing whatever it is that I wanted to. orzorzorz
Genre: Drama
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jongkey
A/N: Contains transgender concepts. About 800 words.
click click click
The rampant search from a glow of artificial light reflected in slanted black eyes. Pupils run back and forth: reading, observing, finding information in the dark setting of the night. The mouse twitches in his hands, the windows zoom by and text is seen scrolling as a blur across the screen. He wants to find it because he does not know, he wants to know because he is uncertain, and he wants to be certain because he no longer wishes to be scared.
Kibum blinks and he finally pauses, his breath as still as ever, throat gone dry from nervousness.
MTF: Male to Female
Big black bolded letters that are daunting and frightening but oddly enough the most welcoming sight Kibum has ever seen.
One more click, several more foreign terms: sex reassignment surgery, vaginoplasty, hormone replacement therapy…
And he wants to know it: he wants to memorize every definition, understand every detail, and absorb every little piece of information because that is just how Kibum is as a person, never wanting to act in ignorance. He will learn first, he will do this all with reason because he does not want to make a decision he regrets (even though in his heart he knows the delays and second thoughts are hurting him the most).
Kibum will make an educated, well-thought out choice to feel validated and then, just then, his dreams may just come true. Maybe then he can finally have a chance to feel it, feel like he is no longer simply a shell, a misplaced soul, an alien. He can finally be who he was always meant to be.
There is no other option.
He licks his dry lips, biting on the surface skin until his breath stops short and the sudden surge of excitement leaps in his chest, Kibum’s heart soaring from every possible emotion all at once.
Right there on the website, a list of possibilities, hospitals and doctors who specialize in the field. He can call them, he can start his journey, he can find himself, she can find herself-
“You can’t.”
Sharp eyes widen, Kibum jumping in his bed as he scrambles to close every single page on his laptop, all the information, the knowledge, gone just like that. He holds the machine tightly to his chest, heavy puffs escaping his lungs as he looks to the source of the voice.
“Kibum you can’t do this.”
It’s Jonghyun.
“You just can’t Kibum. We… we have so much ahead of us right now.”
Caught by the fucking antagonizing bastard who could never understand.
“Do you really want to risk it all just like that? Think about how people would react.”
Like Kibum did not think about these things every goddamn day, like Kibum could ever possibly dispel the heavy cloud of anxiety inducing thoughts from his mind. Then Kibum’s breath hitches as the singer leans in close, body weighing on the bed frame as it creaks weakly, leaning in so closely that he can see the outline of large red lips, a sharp jaw line and pretty hazelnut eyes. Those eyes, they are pleading, remorseful and almost filled with a hint of pity.
“Are you doing this because of what happened, because of what I said?”
His world goes cold as the words echo in his head and Kibum shakes his head, shoving Jonghyun away from him with large bony hands. He glares darkly, glad for the mask of night that hides the hot tears blinking behind his eyelids.
“This is why I hate males,” hisses the man with a venomous nasal tone, “You guys just think it’s all about you, selfish idiots.”
Kibum almost regrets it immediately, the hurt look flashing across Jonghyun’s features, the man tired and exasperated, rising up and away from him. Jonghyun turns away, shoulders slumped and a cold back faces Kibum as the man heads to the door.
“Just don’t do it Kibum please.” A final plea from an almost croaking voice and Kibum thinks his friend may be on the verge of tears as well. “I won’t tell anyone so please.”
The door to the room closes softly and Jonghyun is gone, only stale air and a bitter coldness left behind.
Tears suddenly stain the sheets, Kibum holding back sobs, wetness slipping down his cheeks as he chokes for air. So much for being logical, so much for being assured, so much for information being enough to make a choice he would not regret. Either way he is hopeless, and Kibum lurches, nauseous attacks eating at his stomach and rattling him to the bones.
He lied to Jonghyun, Kibum lied because there was no way he could ever forget what Jonghyun had said to him.
He would never forget.
If you were a girl, I would love you.
-----
This is a sensitive concept I know, but I just had to because the muse would not leave me.
And no, I do not really think Kibum wants to be a girl but then again, I do not know what any of the Shinee members think when it comes to issues like these... Yet in the end, it would probably not change my image of them.
Anyway, sorry if I was very inaccurate in expressing whatever it is that I wanted to. orzorzorz