Here it comes...
Why is it that I sit alone and I concentrate all my energy on that which I cannot have to the point where I fuck my mind to think that in some fucking way I can have my cake and eat it, too. I am that little kid in the pastry shop, looking up at the cake within the glass, yet I rummage through my pocket and reveal a broken clothes-button and lint. What the fuck? I can watch something for ages and in the end, all I truly want is to know what the hell is going on... I miss my old life for the fact that she was part of it. She was my life. My devotion. My inspiration. The light in an otherwise dark universe. To know that even after my many screwups, she's one that still hangs on and still cares. Even loves. She loves me. Heh. That sort of love I try to ignore. Yet it drives me on because I want it all back, yet it'll never be. Why? Because that's the way it is. My psyche allows my fears to outweigh my conscious thought... The fear of never being enough. The fear of silently hating myself continuously even though that love should overshadow. The fear of failure. It's taken me 6 years to even start moving forward in my music. Over those six years, she's been a massive part of four. Heh. Four years this December. Hard to believe it... 1/5 of my life, she's been in my head. There has not been a day that has gone by that she has not passed through my thoughts once and when I see her in my mind, she's never with me. I can never see someone be with me. I will never understand why people truly want to be around me. I am depressing, as many of my friends have said behind my back. But why am I depressing? Or are they thinking that the simple fact that I don't indulge in all the shit that they do and that I don't thrive on material pleasure... that I choose to look inward. I choose to look beyond. I want to look so fucking far inside of me, that I look outward and begin the realization of what I'm here for. Is that depressing? I'm going to be 21 in 4 months. I truly have never had an intimate kiss. Fuck. The biggest kiss I've ever gotten has been on my cheek. By a friend. Nothing more.
A girl I tried to befriend. A girl I wished for more. She called me a good friend within her drunken state. Then turned the cold shoulder. Within the past 4 months, I have been stood up at least four times. And they don't even care enough to let me know what's going on. I hear friends tell me I need to get laid. I don't drink alcohol, and I'm not going to take advantage of an intoxicated girl, so if I try to be me... I get stood up. Is that reason enough to start searching inward and trying to push my mind away from love? Away from physical desires? True, there are plenty of fish in the see, but as of yet, they haven't even tread water within a mile of my hook.
Yet, I continued to have someone standing beside me. Holding my hand and looking at me with the same longing gaze I would've shown her, telling me that love was out there. How did she know? Because the love was hers and so she knew it was there. If she could feel, then others would, too. But sometimes, that truly isn't the case... I'm just so tired of it all. Tired of being stagnant and worn out...
A girl I tried to befriend. A girl I wished for more. She called me a good friend within her drunken state. Then turned the cold shoulder. Within the past 4 months, I have been stood up at least four times. And they don't even care enough to let me know what's going on. I hear friends tell me I need to get laid. I don't drink alcohol, and I'm not going to take advantage of an intoxicated girl, so if I try to be me... I get stood up. Is that reason enough to start searching inward and trying to push my mind away from love? Away from physical desires? True, there are plenty of fish in the see, but as of yet, they haven't even tread water within a mile of my hook.
Yet, I continued to have someone standing beside me. Holding my hand and looking at me with the same longing gaze I would've shown her, telling me that love was out there. How did she know? Because the love was hers and so she knew it was there. If she could feel, then others would, too. But sometimes, that truly isn't the case... I'm just so tired of it all. Tired of being stagnant and worn out...