(no subject)
So I had my long-awaited opportunity today. She walked past me and smiled as usual, and I could have just let her go then, but I said, "hey..." and turned, and she stopped and turned, and then I asked her how spring break was, she said it was good in a FINAL kind of way, and at that point I said good and turned around and walked away. It was at that moment that my natural defense system kicked in, the kind that protects me from myself, all the doubt and terror that I'd been able to hold back came gushing out, and the familiar voice that says, "If you ask her you'll have to face the fact that you're an ugly piece of shit and that'll be one more unlucky person who has to feel awkward because of it. So just back off and you'll never have to find out," followed by the typical why-doesn't-someone-just-launch-a-speargun-into-my-face...
So at least it's finalized, and I will NOT be going to prom. PERIOD.
That I guess shattered my spirit for the rest of the day, and probably the rest of the week. I spent English class drawing pictures of myself getting killed with various medieval weapons, and tried to sleep...And then I hit some guy backing out of the parking spot, but in the stupid chaos of the parking lot it fortunately wasn't that big of a deal. I kind of felt I needed to talk to someone, but honestly, I don't know what to say to anyone.
I guess the point of this post is that I haven't gotten any better, even though I thought, maybe for a little while, that things were going to improve. Maybe my psychologist will let me double my depression medicine again...
The odd thing is, though, I always feel better when I'm alone. If I could spend my days without human contact I'd never have anything to worry about. But that's not going to happen, and I'm worried when I get to college because how will I EVER find time alone there?...
Whatever. Leave me a comment to know what you guys think...
So at least it's finalized, and I will NOT be going to prom. PERIOD.
That I guess shattered my spirit for the rest of the day, and probably the rest of the week. I spent English class drawing pictures of myself getting killed with various medieval weapons, and tried to sleep...And then I hit some guy backing out of the parking spot, but in the stupid chaos of the parking lot it fortunately wasn't that big of a deal. I kind of felt I needed to talk to someone, but honestly, I don't know what to say to anyone.
I guess the point of this post is that I haven't gotten any better, even though I thought, maybe for a little while, that things were going to improve. Maybe my psychologist will let me double my depression medicine again...
The odd thing is, though, I always feel better when I'm alone. If I could spend my days without human contact I'd never have anything to worry about. But that's not going to happen, and I'm worried when I get to college because how will I EVER find time alone there?...
Whatever. Leave me a comment to know what you guys think...