﴾ non-zero ﴿
I have been developing myself a lot lately and exploring ideas and thoughts in which have allowed me to sort of break away from the strange overarching sensation of failure. I realized I really need to take these vitamins, whatever is in them allows me to feel lucid, gives me energy and just lets me exist normally. I looked into it and apparently they can't be covered by insurance which is absolutely ridiculous. Not being able to have something prescribed to me that enhances my life from literal sub-level to close to optimal is criminal. I suppose it's why I support Luigi in his grand scheme. I can still get overly tired just from being cold or too many emotions but I think that is relatively normal and still something that has to be balanced for. But now after taking them, then not taking them and then taking them again - the difference is substantial and when I get a good chunk of money I am going to try to order a few months worth. It feels good to be awake which is usually opposite of how I normally feel.
I've been a lot more productive in the long run and have been working on more projects more actively then just passively. Commissions are hard to churn through when they take so much of a certain sort of focus and concentration. Everything else is pretty easy to tap into for a couple hours a day. I've been getting into a good flow of things which has made me feel better about myself and my work over all. I've started making t-shirts and I am excited for that, even if it doesn't pan out much, it will be fun to create either way.
My "relationship" is suffering and I can almost feel that there is literally no care in the world for me. It's astonishing but understandable. The absolute travesty of when I had a panic attack and reaching out to him and him making it worse for the shits n giggles, I think, was a breaking point. Like the *one* thing he should be useful for, he isn't. Couldn't even pretend to want to make me feel safe and present and it was very hurtful. Then having a really nice convo with me to ghosting me on Christmas Eve + Christmas to spend his money on a friend who ditches him constantly to sit around and mope while high instead of talking to me. I believe he feels he is smarter than me more than just his angry assertions, I think he truly senses it and it clouds him and causes him to flip out as he assumes I have no place to do so. I am so done feeling like I can not express how I feel to people, particularly when I am upset. Fuck that. Fuck people who want to control and keep things a certain way for THEIR wellbeing. My wellbeing is never fucking thought about in these situations and it enrages a part of me. The new family member, the beast. Cline.
My therapist told me about IFS (internal family system) and I have been exploring that quite a bit. I have identified three people so far. I usually ask them who they are when I don't feel myself and I can feel this shift of obsessive emotion in my head, and they answer. The most important and most present is Sanction. My "door man" so to speak. Protects me from everything inside and out. I had to conjure him up in my mind to take care of me during my panic attack because a real life breathing human who is *supposed* to love me couldn't manage that task. He's based off of my old tiefling character I never really played or wrote about. Grizzled, broken, worn but ultimately stalwart and unmoving. I realized he's sort of been with me for a very long time. I clocked that I used to present *very* masculine in high school. Like not super butch or anything but I loved Timberlane boots, baggy jeans, men's clothes and have always had a very strong masculine energy. I even assume that in a past life I have been male before as that strength is very familiar and safe with me. He's always sort of fronted when I am in places I feel unsafe or vulnerable in a way that I thought was just my normal personality but I know I don't always like being that way. So it has been interesting realizing all the places he has been around me.
He is fairly tall, athletic but not too over muscular. Pale with black hair and Japanese facial structure with scars and tattoos. I don't really give him the tiefling qualities in my head but I know what he looks like. I've drawn him several times in the past and he was a high elf in ESO when I played. He is very comfortable and probably my closest friend which is pretty strange to think about - but I suppose that is the purpose of the exercise.
The second I discovered after my panic attack. Matilda. I've never used this name or even been in anyway drawn to it. But once again. I asked who she is and she told me. A neurotic and obsessive worry wart who can't fully front but can influence my mind and body via panic attacks. She's very convincing when I am high, brings up scenarios and forces me down mental rabbit holes in which I am so susceptible to when I am under the influence. And she knows that. She knows when I am alone and high, when there is nothing but me there that she can convince me of a lot of things. And she will. It's only if I get *too* high cause it's like Sanction is asleep then, letting me relax and explore - so he can't always get a grip on her. I've had times where he "momma ducks" her away from dangerous thought processes and distracts her - but sometimes he's not around or her voice is too loud. I really don't even remember what my recent panic attack was even about. I don't even think anything was triggered other than feeling *too* high.
I don't really know what her appearance is, I generally think of like Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter. A soft chubby girl, down turned brows, stringy greasy black hair, big thick glasses, red cheeks and grabby hands desperate to convince the rest of us we're dying.
And the most recent was Cline. I was so angry last night. Violent imagery flashing in my head. Gnashing and gnawing teeth, blood. Ripping and shredding of any and all things. It was rabid and furious, heated and overwhelming but Sanction has a very tight grip on it's leash. I don't know what Cline is, but I know they are fury and rage but they are physically weak but they are vivid and loud. Their name, again, something I have never even thought about until last night. I asked who they were, a few names popped up. Jeffery. Isobel. Then it was CLINE CLINE CLINE CLINE CLINE CLINE. Over and over between spittle and barks. I was angry at Devin. I was angry at this audacity and Cline found it easy to bark and bark. They got a few reactions that slipped past Sanction, or sanctioned by him - annoyed maybe at the situation. But it was there, very potent and vivid and to calm it - I watched videos about living out in nature. Animalistic.
I have no idea what it looks like. I assume some animal/human hybrid with large teeth and maw but its not as strong or as interested in the outside world so it rarely makes a noise. Mostly shadow, teeth and blood with no inherent intelligence just noise and fury.
It has been very interesting to not really disassociate anymore but to like turn around in my head and ask, who are you and what do you want? I know there are a few others but I haven't really been in those spaces to really introduce myself or to explore who they are. Which is fine. They will pop in whenever they are needed. It's really nice to just fully realize myself and those parts of me. Devin calls these shifts an "excuse" and when I try to express things I am going through he calls it all excuses. Which is fucking stupid. I am kinda over it all, I am no longer interested in human people in a sense of relationships or familiarity. I just don't want to deal with someone else's thoughts and non-consideration of me and my situation. I've done it all my life. Worried and cared about other people and now I have fully found out, there is a very very very small yet non-zero chance I'll run across someone who truly gives a fuck.
People are horrible. People will always be horrible. You can not change horrible people. You can only realize it and distance yourself before you are disfigured.