﴾ mothering ﴿
I thought I had maybe gotten over the relative fact I'd never be a mother. My brain and body are just not equip for kids at this stage but the absolute turmoil I feel knowing I won't be a mom is exhausting. It drains everything from me and while growing up with anxiety and depression - it was the one hope I had and the one reason that made me stay alive in uncertain times. Now I just feel like a husk and unusable and just my purpose no longer exists.
I have escaped this feeling a little. Living vicariously through my sister with her kids or my friend and his. I've also more or less found a young artist that I've been happily helping financially and with business sense when it comes to making art online. She has helped me a world over and if I can ever help her get out of her country to live a more comfortable and prosperous life - I'll give everything I have available to me to do so for her. I just want to help small helpless people become more loving and caring people but I am just unable. My brain is so fucked and I can't even maintain the simplest connections. I can not be performative, I can not exist to fulfill someone else's needs because I immediately *IMMEDIATELY* sense it and it's the worse feeling. Knowing I only exist in this bubble of interest that doesn't go very far past the boundaries they want to maintain.
I hate myself. I hate living. I hate that I am so alone and without anything. I want to kill myself but I don't want it to be a burden on other people. So I will just kill my sense of humanity and simply exist until some part of my physical body gives out. I want to be released back into the ether, so very badly. I just want to be a thing that is a part of everything else and I don't have to care about being unseen, unwanted, unloved because I know then - and only then - am I simply a part of everything else.
Maybe in my therapy session on Friday I will get committed or something.
Who knows.
Just get me out.