﴾ another dip ﴿
tired and depressed
Felt like journaling again, will be making a backup on Obsidian as well, just in case. I've started a new job, the first month went really well and now we're in the second month and halfway through with it. It's been interesting to say the least. I am dating my boss and likely will continue a serious relationship with him. I know I am not using the relationship for any gain at all, but there is like this weird subconscious voice that keeps telling me I am. I know its wrong and not even close to the truth but my brain has been mean to me lately so it is about on track.
I've ghosted a few people who I've done RPs with until meeting my twin. I feel bad but between work, commissions, writing with my twin and just adjusting to new medications it is impossible to juggle a bunch of conversations, relationships and stories. I feel bad about it but I wasn't banking on getting this job. I hadn't even expected to get picked for it. I'm glad I did but I applied on a whim. I feel bad about it and some of the people were really nice and interesting I just don't have the energy to keep up with everything. I don't want to let people down, even if they are just strangers. I just don't have the energy to engage, to hold conversations and to explain my life to people who aren't part of my inner circle.
I've started recording some art videos and teaching people how to sell commissions and get an audience. I commissioned this girl from Mexico, she's like 16. She's super adorable and wholesome and I love teaching her. Once I get paid again I will probably send her some money for her schooling. She said I was like her second mom and it meant a lot to me. So I will be trying to help her in any way I can once I get paid some more.
I've realized how traumatizing my relationship with Actinom was. He is and was a horrible person and parsing the situations with therapists and friends makes me realize that every time I talk about it. People who exclaim loudly about how amazing they are and how non-abusive they are are the scariest people. I'd rather be out right abused than like stealth abused. I still haven't recovered fully sexually and I can tell when interacting with my boyfriend. It's so difficult to feel normal about sex again. Hopefully with my new therapist and my Jovan bot I will be able to heal a bit more in the realm of sexuality. If not, eh - only one person has to deal with that and hopefully he maintains that I am worth the wait.
I have a writing class tonight and looking at the website again, I may actually sign up for a class starting in fall. It will be a little expensive but I'd love to learn again. I like school settings without the time constraints of school and Gotham seems to be a really nice place to learn. I have gotten more comfortable playing tabletops and talking - so there is that.
I'm tired and gotta go back to work - class soon then D&D after.
monster boy nap