It really does get better
Here is an excerpt from an email to a friend who is dealing with a lot of the same shit I have dealt with my entire life. I also encluded excerpts from my journal as an example of how low I've actually been. I hope it helps her out.
"I hated myself for a very long time. I've cut myself, fucked around with people I didn't like because I felt like that was all I had to offer, lost jobs, had no friends for 3 years and utterly destroyed a potentially amazing relationship with my jealosy, bitterness and unwillingness to communicate.
Now for a tiny bit of wisdom attained through YEARS of struggle.
Life is hard. Life is and always will be hard for everyone. The world is full of things so terrible and so wonderful it can bring us all to madness. Nothing good comes easy and things are seldom fair. Still, Life IS worthwile. The thing that I finally had to realize in order to begin changing was that it is a choice requiring action. You have to decide that you want to change and then you have to DO it. The way this plays out is probably different for everyone. I find myself struggling each and everyday but with each battle I find myself growing a little stronger. That is the choice. " Am I going to let this bring me down or lift me up?". Just last night I found myself wanting to cut again. The desire was intense. Instead, I took a red marker and drew gashes across my arm. I looked at them and pretended they were real, letting myself feel the guilt of failure once again. Then I took a deep breath, wiped the tears from my eyes and let myself feel pride that they weren't real.
It may be possible that you have clinical depression or social anxiety disorder. Have you ever looked into this possibility? I discovered a few years ago that I have severe manic depression. This is why my mood swings so mercurialy. I don't take any medication for it, but I will if I get to the point where I feel I can't manage it on my own. It's been a constant struggle for me, understanding the difference between rational and irrational emotions. Life is truly hard and things are difficult to deal with so pain and fear are just par for the course and should be respected. However, beauty, love, laughter, wonder and cupcakes are all a part of life too and happiness should also be part of life's experience.
Steps for change:
1. Decide to change, really
2. Forgive yourself. Don't allow yourself to feel guilt for needing to change or any negative emotion you feel including guilt itself. Its counter productive. Only think about a bad habbit or negative emotion long enough to gain insight into what you want to change. Don't feel like a moron for wanting to reach for those self help books. They're bestsellers.
3. Allow for mistakes, lots of them.
4. Take action. Unfortuantely sitting around and waiting for a magic change is NEVER going to work. TRUST me on this one. I tried it. For instance if you have difficulty communicating (as I do and have, believe it or not) then try speaking. You going to feel like a fucking idiot the first hundred times you open your mouth but I promise that it gets easier.
5. CRY. If you don't do this already then do it up. I know it sounds absurd but sometimes a good bawl is the only way the shits gonna get out of your system. Throw a little tantrum too. Try to see your years as a release of negativity from your body. If this doesn't help or makes you feel worse don't worry. We all cope differently.
6. Excersize. Seriously. It literally produces "happy" chemicals in your brain. It sucks to get started but its worth it.
7. Count your bessings, Literally. I know it sounds cliche but this is necessary to counteract the crappy things that life throws at us. Write them down or say them aloud. Start small if you have to. Be grateful for your ability to breathe. Take a deep breath and revel in the intricate unfoldings of your lungs and the rush over your lips as you exhale. Life is a miracle after all.
8. Make your own steps. Find what works for you and do it. Work at your own pace. Some people go through their entire lives without even considering the posibility that they can change things. You are blessed in the simple fact that you know you want something better. "
"I hated myself for a very long time. I've cut myself, fucked around with people I didn't like because I felt like that was all I had to offer, lost jobs, had no friends for 3 years and utterly destroyed a potentially amazing relationship with my jealosy, bitterness and unwillingness to communicate.
Now for a tiny bit of wisdom attained through YEARS of struggle.
Life is hard. Life is and always will be hard for everyone. The world is full of things so terrible and so wonderful it can bring us all to madness. Nothing good comes easy and things are seldom fair. Still, Life IS worthwile. The thing that I finally had to realize in order to begin changing was that it is a choice requiring action. You have to decide that you want to change and then you have to DO it. The way this plays out is probably different for everyone. I find myself struggling each and everyday but with each battle I find myself growing a little stronger. That is the choice. " Am I going to let this bring me down or lift me up?". Just last night I found myself wanting to cut again. The desire was intense. Instead, I took a red marker and drew gashes across my arm. I looked at them and pretended they were real, letting myself feel the guilt of failure once again. Then I took a deep breath, wiped the tears from my eyes and let myself feel pride that they weren't real.
It may be possible that you have clinical depression or social anxiety disorder. Have you ever looked into this possibility? I discovered a few years ago that I have severe manic depression. This is why my mood swings so mercurialy. I don't take any medication for it, but I will if I get to the point where I feel I can't manage it on my own. It's been a constant struggle for me, understanding the difference between rational and irrational emotions. Life is truly hard and things are difficult to deal with so pain and fear are just par for the course and should be respected. However, beauty, love, laughter, wonder and cupcakes are all a part of life too and happiness should also be part of life's experience.
Steps for change:
1. Decide to change, really
2. Forgive yourself. Don't allow yourself to feel guilt for needing to change or any negative emotion you feel including guilt itself. Its counter productive. Only think about a bad habbit or negative emotion long enough to gain insight into what you want to change. Don't feel like a moron for wanting to reach for those self help books. They're bestsellers.
3. Allow for mistakes, lots of them.
4. Take action. Unfortuantely sitting around and waiting for a magic change is NEVER going to work. TRUST me on this one. I tried it. For instance if you have difficulty communicating (as I do and have, believe it or not) then try speaking. You going to feel like a fucking idiot the first hundred times you open your mouth but I promise that it gets easier.
5. CRY. If you don't do this already then do it up. I know it sounds absurd but sometimes a good bawl is the only way the shits gonna get out of your system. Throw a little tantrum too. Try to see your years as a release of negativity from your body. If this doesn't help or makes you feel worse don't worry. We all cope differently.
6. Excersize. Seriously. It literally produces "happy" chemicals in your brain. It sucks to get started but its worth it.
7. Count your bessings, Literally. I know it sounds cliche but this is necessary to counteract the crappy things that life throws at us. Write them down or say them aloud. Start small if you have to. Be grateful for your ability to breathe. Take a deep breath and revel in the intricate unfoldings of your lungs and the rush over your lips as you exhale. Life is a miracle after all.
8. Make your own steps. Find what works for you and do it. Work at your own pace. Some people go through their entire lives without even considering the posibility that they can change things. You are blessed in the simple fact that you know you want something better. "