i thought i told you babe.
Okay, so. Here's the thing. Somehow I dared wizened_cynic to write her Alex Cabot and Lorelai Gilmore (there is a long and sordid backstory on why those characters are linked; never mind your pretty head about it) into Supernatural.
And then she did, 'cause she's a bitch like that (" The Barrens of Quitratue," which, hi, Pablo Neruda), and Alex and Lorelai were fraternal twin hunters. And stuff. AND Sam and Dean showed up, 'cause she just fucking hates me. I might have said something about seeing more of them, so she wrote " no one else will travel through the shadows with me" (in which Alex and Lorelai actually have the sex, so, you know, with the sister-on-sister action). There's this goddamn picture included with the story, photoshopped by Jo's minion of evil, drummer_jew2002, and that picture told me almost two thousand words.
And here they are.
(estrellada and impasto: you guys shouldn't read this. You will lose whatever respect you might have for me as a fan person. On the other hand, if you want more things about which to mock and harrass me, read on.)
Title from a poem.
It's crack, it's unbetaed, it's not supposed to be good or in character. Okay.
what is so rare as a day in june?
Sam, Dean, Lorelai, Alex, Wal-Mart, McDonald's, PG for grown-up language.
Summers are almost always good.
The Wal-Mart parking lot is warm, sunshine gleaming on all the cars. Sam leans down to pick Alex up. Slouching to hold her hand is killing his back. She stretches her arms up around his neck, which isn't terribly comfortable either.
Lorelai is waiting at the entrance to the store already, bouncing from her knees a little. Her patched little jeans drag on the pavement. Her cotton jacket is pink; her battered runners are pink under the mud. The automatic doors open and she looks over her shoulder to see if anyone's watching.
"Wait," Dean calls at her. She stamps a foot half-heartedly and does as she's told.
Inside, Lorelai stretches her hand out to touch a monolithic Cadbury's display. Dean shakes his head and grabs her up. "Do you want a Happy Meal?" he asks her. She wraps her hand around the lapel of his leather coat and nods.
"Cheeseburger?" Dean says.
She furrows her forehead mutinously. "I want McNuggets," she says.
"I want a cheeseburger," Alex tells Sam, turning her head to look at him.
"I know," he says. He pulls a strand of her fine blond hair out of his mouth.
"And Coke," Lorelai adds.
"Sure," Dean says, even though Sam has had the "soda is bad for children" argument at him six times in the last year.
"Me too, Dad," Alex says to Sam, and the word doesn't even register until he sees the look on Dean's face.
Goddamn it, the look says, and I told him, and then their eyes meet and Sam shrugs, and they're settling the girls at a table in the tiny McDonald's inside the store.
"I'll get the food," Dean says. Sam nods and Lorelai says, "Cheeseburger and Coke," insistently.
"I thought you wanted McNuggets," Dean says.
"I want McNuggets," Alex says, and Lorelai shrieks with laughter, clapping her hands over her mouth, and it's a good fucking thing they're not identical twins, 'cause this shit would drive Dean crazy in about five minutes if he couldn't tell them apart.
Sam's grinning and laughing a little. Dean decides to just go get the damn food.
Standing in line, he thinks the same things he's thought every day since Sam convinced him they should keep the kids. Not fair, not safe, not right, and at the end of that short list is Sam pressing a kiss to each of their foreheads when he puts them to bed at night. He looks over his shoulder at the three of them, Lorelai rocking side to side in her chair, Alex kicking her legs back and forth under the table, Sam's right leg fidgeting up and down like it does sometimes when he's relaxed. They're building some kind of pyramid out of little wax paper ketchup containers, the girls' arms stretched out to the middle of the table. He can see the blue plastic bead bracelet around Lorelai's right wrist, peeking out from the cuff of her jacket. She had it on when he and Sam found them, and she never takes it off.
"What can I get you, sir?" the freckled girl behind the counter says, and he turns to place their order, not even noticing that she's definitely old enough and definitely interested enough.
*
Lorelai squeezes her cheeseburger too hard while she's eating it, and ketchup and mustard ooze out between the buns, landing down the front of her shirt and on her jeans.
"Lorelai!" Alex says frustratedly.
Sam says, "Hey, it's okay," and reaches with a napkin to help her clean up at the same time Alex tries to. Alex's plastic container of barbecue sauce gets knocked over into Alex's lap. Her corduroy pants are golden yellow and nearly new. She picked them out herself at the thrift shop.
Alex looks up at Sam, mortified. She starts crying.
"No, no, sweetheart, don't cry," Sam says, and Dean takes a couple of napkins to wipe at Lorelai's shirt while Sam dabs at Alex's pants.
Lorelai sits patiently. She spills on herself a lot. Sam keeps murmuring reassurances to Alex until the mess is cleaned up.
"We're not getting pictures now," she says, with forlorn conviction.
Sam runs his hand over her head and looks at Dean. He looks like he's about to cry too. Lorelai kicks Alex's chair. "Of course we are, dummy," she says.
Sam says, "Don't call your sister a dummy," and Alex shouts, "I'm not a dummy! You're a pickle head!"
They're all silent for a moment, then Lorelai lets loose her shrieking laugh again, quickly covering her mouth. Alex stares at her.
"Pickle head," Lorelai says behind her hands, and they both dissolve into laughter.
Dean finds himself starting to smile until he looks over at Sam, and he's all misty-eyed and sappy-looking, so Dean rolls his eyes and piles their trash on the tray.
"Pickle head!" Alex says.
*
Dean's holding the shopping basket, which already contains two pairs of black patent leather Mary Janes with bows on the toes (size eight), while Sam looks through bright-coloured pinafore sets on the clearance rack.
"Matching?" he asks Dean, and holds up two red outfits. They come with red- and white-striped headbands. The headbands have big red velvet bows on them. Dean feels his eyes widen in horror.
"I want this one!" Lorelai says. She has a purple gingham dress with poofy lace-edged sleeves and rhinestone buttons down the bodice.
"Ew," Alex says.
"Sammy," Dean says desperately.
Sam puts one of the red outfits in the basket and pulls a red plaid set off the rack. "This one is so pretty, though," he says to Lorelai, holding it up to her shoulders, the hanger under her chin. "I sure like it."
Lorelai looks down at it. There are red buttons at the shoulders, and the shirt is snow-white. She screws up her face in concentration, then looks up at Dean.
"Do you like it, Daddy?" she says seriously.
Sam makes a choked noise. Dean clears his throat. He should tell her not to call him that, probably. She's staring at him, her brown hair all over the place. Sam didn't freak out when Alex called him Dad, and Dean is sure as hell more of a man than Sam. So. He nods and says, "Yeah, I sure do."
Lorelai grins and takes the outfit from Sam. "I want to hold it, Dad," she says.
"Okay," Sam says, and shrugs at Dean, smiling helplessly.
*
The girls change together in one room while Sam and Dean stand outside, not looking at each other, and not talking about it, and then Sam pays for their new clothes with a credit card with the name "Matthew Learn" on it.
At the photo centre, the photographer and her assistant practically ovulate all over Alex and Lorelai until they actually get in front of the camera. The assistant has a giant parrot puppet on one hand, and is waving around an Elmo doll with the other.
The girls are sat up on a carpeted block in front of a summer forest backdrop. Alex is frowning, clearly uncomfortable despite--or maybe because of--the woman's attempts to entertain her. Lorelai pokes Alex in the leg.
"Leave me alone," Alex says, and pushes Lorelai.
"Pickle head," Lorelai says. She grins, expecting Alex to start laughing, but Alex just rolls her eyes.
"Squawk! Pickle head!" the assistant says, trying to sound like a parrot. Alex looks at the woman as if she's completely insane.
Dean rubs his forehead. "This is stupid," he says to Sam.
"Everybody wants pictures: Bobby, Ellen, Missouri--everybody," Sam says.
Dean gestures at the door. "We have a camera in the freaking car, Sammy."
Sam frowns. They never had nice pictures of their family after Mom died. Their father rarely paid for copies of school photos.
"Get off me, Lorelai!" Alex yells. Lorelai grabs Alex's headband and holds it out of her sister's reach. "Give it back!" Alex cries.
"It's mine now!" Lorelai says.
"Dad bought if for me! You didn't want one!"
"Okay, okay," Sam says, and grabs the girls off the block, an arm around each of their waists. They keep trying to kick each other, sticking their tongues out. "I'm really sorry," he tells the photographer. "This just isn't going to work."
The photographer charges them an exorbitant sitting fee, even though she didn't take a single shot.
Dean nearly snarls at the woman as he hands over Derek Moore's VISA.
*
Outside, in front of the white-latticed garden section, Sam crouches down in front of the girls, holding one of their hands in each of his. Lorelai has Alex's headband clutched in her free hand. Sam talks to them quietly, seriously, just like his dad used to talk to him and Dean when they fought.
Dean takes his time retrieving the camera from the Impala. By the time he gets back, Alex and Lorelai are having turns hugging each other so tight he thinks of cracked ribs for a split second.
Sam breaks it up to comb his fingers through Alex's messed-up hair and slide the headband back behind her ears. He tugs at Lorelai's tangled brown curls for a moment, trying to at least part them straight. He gives up when she starts squirming and snubs her nose with his thumb.
"Ready?" Dean asks.
"Yes!" Alex says.
Dean takes the cap off the lens and turns the camera on. Sam stands just behind him, hovering, ready to grab the camera away if Dean hesitates or pushes the wrong button. "Would you bug off?" Dean says irritably.
"I'm just--you might. Missouri--can I do it?" Sam asks, practically wringing his hands.
Dean gives him a dirty look and smiles at the girls, crouching down to their level. "Picture time," he says. "Everybody smile!"
Lorelai sticks her fingers in her mouth and pulls, creating a wide, grotesque grin. Dean laughs and snaps a picture of that.
Alex comes into the frame and they both start making silly faces at the camera and each other.
After a few minutes, Lorelai grabs Alex around the neck and kisses her cheek with a loud smacking sound. Alex puts her arms around Lorelai's shoulders and they hug, smiling big and bright.
Dean gets a last shot as Lorelai turns to get away, her hands come up to push Alex's off. They look into the camera at him and he sees these kids he saved, Alex's fine hair and thin skin, straight teeth and clear eyes, Lorelai's crooked smile and the scrape on her hand from where she wasn't careful with the car door last week.
"Hi Daddy," Alex says.
"Hey, pickle head," Dean says back as Lorelai runs down the parking lot.
Sam shouts, "Don't run! Cars!" and takes off after her.
End.
---
I think I should just go--do something. Right now. Lord.
Bye.
PS: My new phone rocks! It rocks HARD!
And then she did, 'cause she's a bitch like that (" The Barrens of Quitratue," which, hi, Pablo Neruda), and Alex and Lorelai were fraternal twin hunters. And stuff. AND Sam and Dean showed up, 'cause she just fucking hates me. I might have said something about seeing more of them, so she wrote " no one else will travel through the shadows with me" (in which Alex and Lorelai actually have the sex, so, you know, with the sister-on-sister action). There's this goddamn picture included with the story, photoshopped by Jo's minion of evil, drummer_jew2002, and that picture told me almost two thousand words.
And here they are.
(estrellada and impasto: you guys shouldn't read this. You will lose whatever respect you might have for me as a fan person. On the other hand, if you want more things about which to mock and harrass me, read on.)
Title from a poem.
It's crack, it's unbetaed, it's not supposed to be good or in character. Okay.
what is so rare as a day in june?
Sam, Dean, Lorelai, Alex, Wal-Mart, McDonald's, PG for grown-up language.
Summers are almost always good.
The Wal-Mart parking lot is warm, sunshine gleaming on all the cars. Sam leans down to pick Alex up. Slouching to hold her hand is killing his back. She stretches her arms up around his neck, which isn't terribly comfortable either.
Lorelai is waiting at the entrance to the store already, bouncing from her knees a little. Her patched little jeans drag on the pavement. Her cotton jacket is pink; her battered runners are pink under the mud. The automatic doors open and she looks over her shoulder to see if anyone's watching.
"Wait," Dean calls at her. She stamps a foot half-heartedly and does as she's told.
Inside, Lorelai stretches her hand out to touch a monolithic Cadbury's display. Dean shakes his head and grabs her up. "Do you want a Happy Meal?" he asks her. She wraps her hand around the lapel of his leather coat and nods.
"Cheeseburger?" Dean says.
She furrows her forehead mutinously. "I want McNuggets," she says.
"I want a cheeseburger," Alex tells Sam, turning her head to look at him.
"I know," he says. He pulls a strand of her fine blond hair out of his mouth.
"And Coke," Lorelai adds.
"Sure," Dean says, even though Sam has had the "soda is bad for children" argument at him six times in the last year.
"Me too, Dad," Alex says to Sam, and the word doesn't even register until he sees the look on Dean's face.
Goddamn it, the look says, and I told him, and then their eyes meet and Sam shrugs, and they're settling the girls at a table in the tiny McDonald's inside the store.
"I'll get the food," Dean says. Sam nods and Lorelai says, "Cheeseburger and Coke," insistently.
"I thought you wanted McNuggets," Dean says.
"I want McNuggets," Alex says, and Lorelai shrieks with laughter, clapping her hands over her mouth, and it's a good fucking thing they're not identical twins, 'cause this shit would drive Dean crazy in about five minutes if he couldn't tell them apart.
Sam's grinning and laughing a little. Dean decides to just go get the damn food.
Standing in line, he thinks the same things he's thought every day since Sam convinced him they should keep the kids. Not fair, not safe, not right, and at the end of that short list is Sam pressing a kiss to each of their foreheads when he puts them to bed at night. He looks over his shoulder at the three of them, Lorelai rocking side to side in her chair, Alex kicking her legs back and forth under the table, Sam's right leg fidgeting up and down like it does sometimes when he's relaxed. They're building some kind of pyramid out of little wax paper ketchup containers, the girls' arms stretched out to the middle of the table. He can see the blue plastic bead bracelet around Lorelai's right wrist, peeking out from the cuff of her jacket. She had it on when he and Sam found them, and she never takes it off.
"What can I get you, sir?" the freckled girl behind the counter says, and he turns to place their order, not even noticing that she's definitely old enough and definitely interested enough.
*
Lorelai squeezes her cheeseburger too hard while she's eating it, and ketchup and mustard ooze out between the buns, landing down the front of her shirt and on her jeans.
"Lorelai!" Alex says frustratedly.
Sam says, "Hey, it's okay," and reaches with a napkin to help her clean up at the same time Alex tries to. Alex's plastic container of barbecue sauce gets knocked over into Alex's lap. Her corduroy pants are golden yellow and nearly new. She picked them out herself at the thrift shop.
Alex looks up at Sam, mortified. She starts crying.
"No, no, sweetheart, don't cry," Sam says, and Dean takes a couple of napkins to wipe at Lorelai's shirt while Sam dabs at Alex's pants.
Lorelai sits patiently. She spills on herself a lot. Sam keeps murmuring reassurances to Alex until the mess is cleaned up.
"We're not getting pictures now," she says, with forlorn conviction.
Sam runs his hand over her head and looks at Dean. He looks like he's about to cry too. Lorelai kicks Alex's chair. "Of course we are, dummy," she says.
Sam says, "Don't call your sister a dummy," and Alex shouts, "I'm not a dummy! You're a pickle head!"
They're all silent for a moment, then Lorelai lets loose her shrieking laugh again, quickly covering her mouth. Alex stares at her.
"Pickle head," Lorelai says behind her hands, and they both dissolve into laughter.
Dean finds himself starting to smile until he looks over at Sam, and he's all misty-eyed and sappy-looking, so Dean rolls his eyes and piles their trash on the tray.
"Pickle head!" Alex says.
*
Dean's holding the shopping basket, which already contains two pairs of black patent leather Mary Janes with bows on the toes (size eight), while Sam looks through bright-coloured pinafore sets on the clearance rack.
"Matching?" he asks Dean, and holds up two red outfits. They come with red- and white-striped headbands. The headbands have big red velvet bows on them. Dean feels his eyes widen in horror.
"I want this one!" Lorelai says. She has a purple gingham dress with poofy lace-edged sleeves and rhinestone buttons down the bodice.
"Ew," Alex says.
"Sammy," Dean says desperately.
Sam puts one of the red outfits in the basket and pulls a red plaid set off the rack. "This one is so pretty, though," he says to Lorelai, holding it up to her shoulders, the hanger under her chin. "I sure like it."
Lorelai looks down at it. There are red buttons at the shoulders, and the shirt is snow-white. She screws up her face in concentration, then looks up at Dean.
"Do you like it, Daddy?" she says seriously.
Sam makes a choked noise. Dean clears his throat. He should tell her not to call him that, probably. She's staring at him, her brown hair all over the place. Sam didn't freak out when Alex called him Dad, and Dean is sure as hell more of a man than Sam. So. He nods and says, "Yeah, I sure do."
Lorelai grins and takes the outfit from Sam. "I want to hold it, Dad," she says.
"Okay," Sam says, and shrugs at Dean, smiling helplessly.
*
The girls change together in one room while Sam and Dean stand outside, not looking at each other, and not talking about it, and then Sam pays for their new clothes with a credit card with the name "Matthew Learn" on it.
At the photo centre, the photographer and her assistant practically ovulate all over Alex and Lorelai until they actually get in front of the camera. The assistant has a giant parrot puppet on one hand, and is waving around an Elmo doll with the other.
The girls are sat up on a carpeted block in front of a summer forest backdrop. Alex is frowning, clearly uncomfortable despite--or maybe because of--the woman's attempts to entertain her. Lorelai pokes Alex in the leg.
"Leave me alone," Alex says, and pushes Lorelai.
"Pickle head," Lorelai says. She grins, expecting Alex to start laughing, but Alex just rolls her eyes.
"Squawk! Pickle head!" the assistant says, trying to sound like a parrot. Alex looks at the woman as if she's completely insane.
Dean rubs his forehead. "This is stupid," he says to Sam.
"Everybody wants pictures: Bobby, Ellen, Missouri--everybody," Sam says.
Dean gestures at the door. "We have a camera in the freaking car, Sammy."
Sam frowns. They never had nice pictures of their family after Mom died. Their father rarely paid for copies of school photos.
"Get off me, Lorelai!" Alex yells. Lorelai grabs Alex's headband and holds it out of her sister's reach. "Give it back!" Alex cries.
"It's mine now!" Lorelai says.
"Dad bought if for me! You didn't want one!"
"Okay, okay," Sam says, and grabs the girls off the block, an arm around each of their waists. They keep trying to kick each other, sticking their tongues out. "I'm really sorry," he tells the photographer. "This just isn't going to work."
The photographer charges them an exorbitant sitting fee, even though she didn't take a single shot.
Dean nearly snarls at the woman as he hands over Derek Moore's VISA.
*
Outside, in front of the white-latticed garden section, Sam crouches down in front of the girls, holding one of their hands in each of his. Lorelai has Alex's headband clutched in her free hand. Sam talks to them quietly, seriously, just like his dad used to talk to him and Dean when they fought.
Dean takes his time retrieving the camera from the Impala. By the time he gets back, Alex and Lorelai are having turns hugging each other so tight he thinks of cracked ribs for a split second.
Sam breaks it up to comb his fingers through Alex's messed-up hair and slide the headband back behind her ears. He tugs at Lorelai's tangled brown curls for a moment, trying to at least part them straight. He gives up when she starts squirming and snubs her nose with his thumb.
"Ready?" Dean asks.
"Yes!" Alex says.
Dean takes the cap off the lens and turns the camera on. Sam stands just behind him, hovering, ready to grab the camera away if Dean hesitates or pushes the wrong button. "Would you bug off?" Dean says irritably.
"I'm just--you might. Missouri--can I do it?" Sam asks, practically wringing his hands.
Dean gives him a dirty look and smiles at the girls, crouching down to their level. "Picture time," he says. "Everybody smile!"
Lorelai sticks her fingers in her mouth and pulls, creating a wide, grotesque grin. Dean laughs and snaps a picture of that.
Alex comes into the frame and they both start making silly faces at the camera and each other.
After a few minutes, Lorelai grabs Alex around the neck and kisses her cheek with a loud smacking sound. Alex puts her arms around Lorelai's shoulders and they hug, smiling big and bright.
Dean gets a last shot as Lorelai turns to get away, her hands come up to push Alex's off. They look into the camera at him and he sees these kids he saved, Alex's fine hair and thin skin, straight teeth and clear eyes, Lorelai's crooked smile and the scrape on her hand from where she wasn't careful with the car door last week.
"Hi Daddy," Alex says.
"Hey, pickle head," Dean says back as Lorelai runs down the parking lot.
Sam shouts, "Don't run! Cars!" and takes off after her.
End.
---
I think I should just go--do something. Right now. Lord.
Bye.
PS: My new phone rocks! It rocks HARD!