so its almost been 2 months
why? what caused things the things to happen? still 2 burning questions on my mind... what was the cause of infidelity why didnt she tell me how she felt first? how does she feel now? is she happy? was our relationship really the cause of her unhappiness? was she just not ready for long term commitment? was i really such a bad guy? why was she so angry at me towards the end? did she have some trauma in her past? was she just letting her hormones and emotions control her? was it her way of permanently ending it? does she hate me? does she want me to hate her? "you hate me. you should. i made the decision to do that" i mean, i knew it was a choice she made (cheating) i just don't know why. i know she hardly thinks about me. i don't think she understands the kind of trauma this has put me through. or cares honestly. poor me? nah not really. i know i wasnt the most sterling example of affection though i didnt deserve this. ha, thats just life though isnt it? "its not fair!" (labyrinth reference) no, it isnt but it is what it is. less than 2 months ago from a 5yr relationship i think im doin ok as the loser :) i mean, yeah i'm depressed still but i havent let it ruin my life. a lot of the anger is gone. still there but much less.
always more questions than there are answers. i think that being ok with that is a lot of what letting go is about. i'll get there eventually. i am getting there tho it hasnt happened overnight and i suppose it cant.
on a side note i have a dr's appointment in a few hours. called in from work today cuz i felt like shit. i think i have shingles. on my abdomen... such is life. it is what it is and it'll be ok. the present is not the future and neither is the past :) life goes on and if you feel like u cant enjoy it, make the best of it. it's nice having the day off :) ha ha that sounds like such generic optimism fluff but i suppose but its true