and let the emoness begin.......
Tonight i have come to several different conculsion....
First, i was right about how friendships work... if you have no clue what i am talking about then i will fill you in, about a couple of months ago i wrote an entry about how old friends will leave you and that they are replaced with your current group of friends, implying that you never really hold on to old friends because everyone grows apart from one another. It has proved itself tonight: my best friend since like the first fucken grade has stabbed me in the back too many times, he has forgotten me and so has many other old friends. Thinking about it now makes me realize many other things like how my life feels like a fucken lie. i mean look at it... i am stuck in a job i dont like already, my good old friends have already... wait they have always abandoned me, and i live in a loveless shell of man.
Which brings the second.... i have no love to give to anyone, i am lifeless and emotionally detached from just about everyone. No one fucken understands me... NO ONE. And because of that i have no love to give. i have no love to give to friends or in relationships.
The third... the worst pain in the world is not physical but obviously emotional. And that pain is being forgotten. And not even just being forgotten but being forgotten by the closest to you. To be actually invisible.. and unknown, it is a horrible feeling.
The fourth is that i will never be able to have a normal life.
The fifth is that i will never be married and i will tell you why and it has nothing to fucken do with i have not meet the right one or that i am still too young or that i dont know what i want which is soooooo fucken untrue because i know exactly what i want, i just know i want too much: i have never been able to commit to anything either it be in a school subject or what instrument i play or different hobbies of mine, and even in my everyday conversations, i am always second guessing myself or unwilling to give a clear answer, and most of all i have been unable to think of commitment in a relationship... sure i can imagine it and i hear about it and see it almost everyday but fuck... it means shit to me only because i know i will never have that. It is just a fucken dream.
First, i was right about how friendships work... if you have no clue what i am talking about then i will fill you in, about a couple of months ago i wrote an entry about how old friends will leave you and that they are replaced with your current group of friends, implying that you never really hold on to old friends because everyone grows apart from one another. It has proved itself tonight: my best friend since like the first fucken grade has stabbed me in the back too many times, he has forgotten me and so has many other old friends. Thinking about it now makes me realize many other things like how my life feels like a fucken lie. i mean look at it... i am stuck in a job i dont like already, my good old friends have already... wait they have always abandoned me, and i live in a loveless shell of man.
Which brings the second.... i have no love to give to anyone, i am lifeless and emotionally detached from just about everyone. No one fucken understands me... NO ONE. And because of that i have no love to give. i have no love to give to friends or in relationships.
The third... the worst pain in the world is not physical but obviously emotional. And that pain is being forgotten. And not even just being forgotten but being forgotten by the closest to you. To be actually invisible.. and unknown, it is a horrible feeling.
The fourth is that i will never be able to have a normal life.
The fifth is that i will never be married and i will tell you why and it has nothing to fucken do with i have not meet the right one or that i am still too young or that i dont know what i want which is soooooo fucken untrue because i know exactly what i want, i just know i want too much: i have never been able to commit to anything either it be in a school subject or what instrument i play or different hobbies of mine, and even in my everyday conversations, i am always second guessing myself or unwilling to give a clear answer, and most of all i have been unable to think of commitment in a relationship... sure i can imagine it and i hear about it and see it almost everyday but fuck... it means shit to me only because i know i will never have that. It is just a fucken dream.