Is your dialing finger broken?
Co-parenting with an ex can be quite the challenge. I took the advanced course in “What Not To Do” with my first ex, Bruce. We were horrible to each other. We went years without being able to exchange even the most basic of information without spewing venom at each other. We even went to court a couple of times.
In short, it sucked.
When Alex and I broke up, we both pledged to be the best co-parents we could. Given he had been by my side and went through all the drama with Bruce (which probably didn’t help our faltering marriage), we were determined NOT to let that happen with us. We have both gone to great lengths to make our divorce as painless as possible for the boys. While the first year or so was uncomfortable in the extreme, we are at the point where we can enjoy meals together, ride in the car and make conversation the whole time. Before he began dating his girlfriend, we even went to the beach once or twice together with the kids.
Of course, we still struggle a bit. I mean, if we got along that well and didn’t have any issues, we would still be married. One characteristic that is an excellent representation of one of the huge shortcomings in our marriage is that Alex refuses to communicate about difficult or significant matters. We were separated for almost 3 years before our divorce was formalized. That was a result of the combination of a few half hearted discussions about reconciliation, staying married so he could put me on his insurance after I got laid off (yeah, he really is a decent guy, I’m the first to admit..) and pure cheapness (it costs $350 to get divorced). When he met his girlfriend, he decided it was time to finalize the divorce. Fair enough, we were well past the point of reconciliation and divorce was an inevitability but instead of picking up the phone and calling to tell me that he was moving forward, I got a call from my lawyer saying she received the paper work. Cowardly.
Call me crazy, but I thought that was a bit tacky. I felt I deserved the respect and consideration of making a phone call to tell me that he was legally dissolving our marriage. Apparently I was wrong. I called him out on it, he apologized, said he understood some things deserved to be disclosed personally and life moved on.
Until last night.
The boys and I were just home from work and school and I was working on making dinner. At some point in the usual rambling “Tell me about your day” chat Xander informs me that his dad’s girlfriend is going to be moving in when she comes back to NC (She’s currently in Florida in a 1 year Masters Degree program). I asked if she was just staying for a little while and he replied, no, his dad had said she was going to be living with them. He went on telling me about it in enough detail that I became fairly convinced that he’s not mistaken and that Alex’s girlfriend will be taking up residence with them in June.
Now, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt a twinge of something unpleasant when I heard this.. A little sadness, a little nostalgic, a little jealousy.. After all, I remember when we first moved in together.. and when we were happy.. and, while I know it’s not a contest, it never feels particularly satisfying to see your ex living happily ever after when you are struggling just to figure out what exactly that means. If you’d told me when we split up that in 5 years I would still be single, still be unsure what I was looking for and still not getting laid on a regular basis, I might have rethought the notion of divorce.
But that wasn’t what bothered me.
What bothered me (ok, what really pissed me off) was that I was hearing about this from my 7 year old son. That’s just wrong. Period. Hell, even Zack (who was standing there and listening to the whole exchange) looked at me and said “That seems like something Alex should have mentioned to you, huh?”. Even a 14 year old gets it.
Make no mistake, Alex and I live separate lives. I don’t check with him about anything I do, nor do I expect him to check with me. For example, I go out to lunch once or twice a month with one of his best friends, Gio. I never asked him if he had a problem with it. We don’t need each others approval or permission to live our lives. I trust his judgment in people and would never have a moment’s concern that anyone he’s dating isn’t someone of strong character and very loving to Xander. I’d like to think he feels the same, but in the end, he has officially forfeited any say so in my life and the decisions I make, with one small exception. If it impacts Xander, he’s got a dog in that fight. And so do I.
The fact is, I have only met his girlfriend once over a year and a half ago for about 5 minutes. I wouldn’t know her if she walked up and slapped me (which I hope would not be the case). I don’t know her last name. I don’t know anything about her at all and yet, apparently, she’s going to be living with my child.
Not cool.
As a parent, I have a right to know who my child is spending extended amounts of time with. When HulkBoy was coming for a visit for a week, I made sure to tell both Alex and Bruce. They had a right to know if someone was going to be in my household overnight with their kid and express any discomfort. Actually, anytime I have had a visitor that would be staying overnight when the boys would be there I have made sure they knew. Be it when Cora and Michelle were coming for a visit or when Kansas used to come crash at my place overnight just to get away from the trains that ran behind his condo. As a parent it’s our God given (and legal) right to know what the hell is going on in our child’s life.
In the end, I’m happy for him and I know his girlfriend is undoubtedly a delightful person.. Overall, my biggest source of consternation is that it feels totally disrespectful to find out through Xander. I know, I know, June is a ways off and he has plenty of time to let me know. But if he’s preparing Xander for it, I should know as well. After all, Xander isn’t exactly known for his ability to keep secrets, yo.
In short, it sucked.
When Alex and I broke up, we both pledged to be the best co-parents we could. Given he had been by my side and went through all the drama with Bruce (which probably didn’t help our faltering marriage), we were determined NOT to let that happen with us. We have both gone to great lengths to make our divorce as painless as possible for the boys. While the first year or so was uncomfortable in the extreme, we are at the point where we can enjoy meals together, ride in the car and make conversation the whole time. Before he began dating his girlfriend, we even went to the beach once or twice together with the kids.
Of course, we still struggle a bit. I mean, if we got along that well and didn’t have any issues, we would still be married. One characteristic that is an excellent representation of one of the huge shortcomings in our marriage is that Alex refuses to communicate about difficult or significant matters. We were separated for almost 3 years before our divorce was formalized. That was a result of the combination of a few half hearted discussions about reconciliation, staying married so he could put me on his insurance after I got laid off (yeah, he really is a decent guy, I’m the first to admit..) and pure cheapness (it costs $350 to get divorced). When he met his girlfriend, he decided it was time to finalize the divorce. Fair enough, we were well past the point of reconciliation and divorce was an inevitability but instead of picking up the phone and calling to tell me that he was moving forward, I got a call from my lawyer saying she received the paper work. Cowardly.
Call me crazy, but I thought that was a bit tacky. I felt I deserved the respect and consideration of making a phone call to tell me that he was legally dissolving our marriage. Apparently I was wrong. I called him out on it, he apologized, said he understood some things deserved to be disclosed personally and life moved on.
Until last night.
The boys and I were just home from work and school and I was working on making dinner. At some point in the usual rambling “Tell me about your day” chat Xander informs me that his dad’s girlfriend is going to be moving in when she comes back to NC (She’s currently in Florida in a 1 year Masters Degree program). I asked if she was just staying for a little while and he replied, no, his dad had said she was going to be living with them. He went on telling me about it in enough detail that I became fairly convinced that he’s not mistaken and that Alex’s girlfriend will be taking up residence with them in June.
Now, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt a twinge of something unpleasant when I heard this.. A little sadness, a little nostalgic, a little jealousy.. After all, I remember when we first moved in together.. and when we were happy.. and, while I know it’s not a contest, it never feels particularly satisfying to see your ex living happily ever after when you are struggling just to figure out what exactly that means. If you’d told me when we split up that in 5 years I would still be single, still be unsure what I was looking for and still not getting laid on a regular basis, I might have rethought the notion of divorce.
But that wasn’t what bothered me.
What bothered me (ok, what really pissed me off) was that I was hearing about this from my 7 year old son. That’s just wrong. Period. Hell, even Zack (who was standing there and listening to the whole exchange) looked at me and said “That seems like something Alex should have mentioned to you, huh?”. Even a 14 year old gets it.
Make no mistake, Alex and I live separate lives. I don’t check with him about anything I do, nor do I expect him to check with me. For example, I go out to lunch once or twice a month with one of his best friends, Gio. I never asked him if he had a problem with it. We don’t need each others approval or permission to live our lives. I trust his judgment in people and would never have a moment’s concern that anyone he’s dating isn’t someone of strong character and very loving to Xander. I’d like to think he feels the same, but in the end, he has officially forfeited any say so in my life and the decisions I make, with one small exception. If it impacts Xander, he’s got a dog in that fight. And so do I.
The fact is, I have only met his girlfriend once over a year and a half ago for about 5 minutes. I wouldn’t know her if she walked up and slapped me (which I hope would not be the case). I don’t know her last name. I don’t know anything about her at all and yet, apparently, she’s going to be living with my child.
Not cool.
As a parent, I have a right to know who my child is spending extended amounts of time with. When HulkBoy was coming for a visit for a week, I made sure to tell both Alex and Bruce. They had a right to know if someone was going to be in my household overnight with their kid and express any discomfort. Actually, anytime I have had a visitor that would be staying overnight when the boys would be there I have made sure they knew. Be it when Cora and Michelle were coming for a visit or when Kansas used to come crash at my place overnight just to get away from the trains that ran behind his condo. As a parent it’s our God given (and legal) right to know what the hell is going on in our child’s life.
In the end, I’m happy for him and I know his girlfriend is undoubtedly a delightful person.. Overall, my biggest source of consternation is that it feels totally disrespectful to find out through Xander. I know, I know, June is a ways off and he has plenty of time to let me know. But if he’s preparing Xander for it, I should know as well. After all, Xander isn’t exactly known for his ability to keep secrets, yo.