Harry Potter & the Hike of DOOOOM!!! A stick figure crack!fic by clammy :D
In honor of book 7 coming out, a crack!fic for your enjoyment. No spoilers for DH, cause I'm staying as spoiler-free as possible :D
image heavy, sorry :D
Harry Potter and the Hike of DOOOOM!
Featuring stick figure!Harry, Ron, and Hermione
art and story by clammy /:D
Harry: I'm bored.
Hermione: Let's go hiking. In the woods!
Ron: ...wizards don't hike.
Hermione: Good thing Harry and I grew up as Muggles! ...We get to share a tent.
Ron: \o/ SCOREZ!
Harry: Why do you get to use magic to carry your stuff?
Hermione: Because I listened during Charms.
Ron: Damn. I knew I should have stopped playing sudoku.
Harry: We're going hiking in the Scottish highlands! Yayes!
Harry: I like hiking!
Ron: You're not the one sweating your balls off carrying all our supplies. Why can't we just fly our broomsticks to the place?
Hermione: That defeats the purpose, Ronald. And levitating my box takes a lot of concentration. Good thing I read about that in Hogwarts: A History.
Harry: A unicorn! Yayes!
Harry: Guys, do y'all hear that?
Hermione: Yes! It's the sound of breezes and the voices of the trees! Nature is speaking to us!
Ron: You're barking.
Voice 1: They look yummy...Letssss get them...
Voice 2: I think the redheadsss sssexy...
Voice 3: I like the busssssshy-haired one.
Harry: Why are y'all talking like that?
Hermione: Ron, why are you using magic now? You're supposed to be roughing it.
Ron: Holding your wand up for this long is roughing it.
Voice 1: Think I can get the dork in the front. With the ssssscar.
Harry: That's not nice! Stop talking about me!
Ron: WTF are you talking bout?
Harry: I think Voldy's fucking in my brain again.
Harry: Um, guys? Do you see all these snakes?
Voice 1: He can ssssee ussss...
Voice 2: Sssshit! Ssserpent ssslither away!
Hermione: There are so many snakes! I don't like snakes, Harry!
Ron: They remind me of Slytherin. And I hate Slytherins! Especially Draco Malfoy and Snape. They probably sent the snakes on us!
Hermione: Ron, Snape and Malfoy don't do every -
Ron: NOT LISTENING! NOT LISTENING! STAYING IN MY HAPPY PLACE WHERE SNAPE AND MALFOY DO EVERYTHING!
Hermione: Delusion-land!
Voice 1: Thesssse humansss talk too much. Letsss bite them.
Voice 2: Ssscoressss...
Harry: OH NOES!
Hermione: Harry, these snakes are moving towards us!
Harry: They don't like you.
Ron: Haha! The snakes don't like you!
Harry: They don't like you either, Ron.
Ron: Shit.
Voice 1: Bite the redhead firssst. He mussst go.
Voice 2: Yesss, massster.
Harry: NOT MY REDHEAD! I step on you!
Voice 1: RETREAT! The one with the ssscar will ssstep!
Harry: YES I WILL!
Ron: Harry, they're following us. Tell them to stop.
Harry: STOP!
Voice 2: The one with the ssscar isss trying to communicate.
Voice 3: Letsss bite off hisss tonguesss!
Harry: NO!
Voice 1: We ssshall leave him for now. He can hear usss...
Voice 2: We ssshall return...
Harry: I will wait on them!
Hermione: It's not safe! Let's go inside the magical tent.
Ron: The magical tent of LOVE!
Hermione: In your dreams.
Ron: You know you want the Weasley's weasle.
Harry: I'm definitely staying out here.
Ron: But we want Harry's peter!
Hermione: *GROANS*
Ron: And the Granger manger!
Hermione: STUPIFY!
Harry: ...Hermione! I can't believe you did that!
Hermione: Want to go shag?
Harry: If Ron's there, too.
Hermione: How about a silencing spell?
Harry: That'll work.
Harry/Ron/Hermione: SEXORZ!!!
Ron: This is awesome! BOOBS!
Harry: CLEFT!
Hermione: I should have stuck with Neville...
Ron: You've shagged Longbottom?
Hermione: That's not all that's long on him...
Harry: I feel faintly ill.
Ron: I think I vomited a little in my mouth.
Voice 2: The humansss are fornicating.
Harry: I CAN HEAR YOU!
Voice 2: Ssssshit...
Voice 1: We will bite them mid-orgasssm...
Harry: I'm not coming! EVER!
Ron: Harry, I know I'm good, but...
Harry: The snake! Is coming!
Ron: YES, IT IS >:)!!!!
*all sleeps*
Ron: *talking in sleep* Spiders...Harry...love...not the spiders...
Hermione: *talking in sleep* Have...to read...Hogwarts...a History...
Voice 2: They are asssleep...
Voice 3: Letsss bite them...
Voice 1: Leave the one with the ssscar to me...
Voice 2&3: Yesss, Lord Voldemort...
Voldy: \o/
Harry: OH NOES! NOT VOLDY!
Hermione: It's not always Snape and Malfoy, and it's not always Voldemort!
Harry: But it is this time!
Voldy: Better idea!
Voice 2: What massster?
Voldy: Letsss drive him nutsss by talking to him all night...
Voldy & snakes: *TALKTALKTALKTALK*
Ron: You killed Hermione! You bastard!
Harry: Shit.
Ron: Let's go shag!
Harry: Okay! \o/
Harry & Ron: SEXORZ!!!
Hermione's ghost: I hate them! But this ghost thing could come in handy...I can annoy them into doing their work and watch them have sex! \o/
Voice 1: We will get them for thisss...
Voice 2: Yesss...precioussss...
Harry: OMIGOD! O__________O
Ron: I know!
Harry: Snakes! The snakes!
Ron: LOVE MY SNAKE, SCAR-BOY!
Harry: O_____o
THE END.
BONUS STORY!
image heavy, sorry :D
Harry Potter and the Hike of DOOOOM!
Featuring stick figure!Harry, Ron, and Hermione
art and story by clammy /:D
Harry: I'm bored.
Hermione: Let's go hiking. In the woods!
Ron: ...wizards don't hike.
Hermione: Good thing Harry and I grew up as Muggles! ...We get to share a tent.
Ron: \o/ SCOREZ!
Harry: Why do you get to use magic to carry your stuff?
Hermione: Because I listened during Charms.
Ron: Damn. I knew I should have stopped playing sudoku.
Harry: We're going hiking in the Scottish highlands! Yayes!
Harry: I like hiking!
Ron: You're not the one sweating your balls off carrying all our supplies. Why can't we just fly our broomsticks to the place?
Hermione: That defeats the purpose, Ronald. And levitating my box takes a lot of concentration. Good thing I read about that in Hogwarts: A History.
Harry: A unicorn! Yayes!
Harry: Guys, do y'all hear that?
Hermione: Yes! It's the sound of breezes and the voices of the trees! Nature is speaking to us!
Ron: You're barking.
Voice 1: They look yummy...Letssss get them...
Voice 2: I think the redheadsss sssexy...
Voice 3: I like the busssssshy-haired one.
Harry: Why are y'all talking like that?
Hermione: Ron, why are you using magic now? You're supposed to be roughing it.
Ron: Holding your wand up for this long is roughing it.
Voice 1: Think I can get the dork in the front. With the ssssscar.
Harry: That's not nice! Stop talking about me!
Ron: WTF are you talking bout?
Harry: I think Voldy's fucking in my brain again.
Harry: Um, guys? Do you see all these snakes?
Voice 1: He can ssssee ussss...
Voice 2: Sssshit! Ssserpent ssslither away!
Hermione: There are so many snakes! I don't like snakes, Harry!
Ron: They remind me of Slytherin. And I hate Slytherins! Especially Draco Malfoy and Snape. They probably sent the snakes on us!
Hermione: Ron, Snape and Malfoy don't do every -
Ron: NOT LISTENING! NOT LISTENING! STAYING IN MY HAPPY PLACE WHERE SNAPE AND MALFOY DO EVERYTHING!
Hermione: Delusion-land!
Voice 1: Thesssse humansss talk too much. Letsss bite them.
Voice 2: Ssscoressss...
Harry: OH NOES!
Hermione: Harry, these snakes are moving towards us!
Harry: They don't like you.
Ron: Haha! The snakes don't like you!
Harry: They don't like you either, Ron.
Ron: Shit.
Voice 1: Bite the redhead firssst. He mussst go.
Voice 2: Yesss, massster.
Harry: NOT MY REDHEAD! I step on you!
Voice 1: RETREAT! The one with the ssscar will ssstep!
Harry: YES I WILL!
Ron: Harry, they're following us. Tell them to stop.
Harry: STOP!
Voice 2: The one with the ssscar isss trying to communicate.
Voice 3: Letsss bite off hisss tonguesss!
Harry: NO!
Voice 1: We ssshall leave him for now. He can hear usss...
Voice 2: We ssshall return...
Harry: I will wait on them!
Hermione: It's not safe! Let's go inside the magical tent.
Ron: The magical tent of LOVE!
Hermione: In your dreams.
Ron: You know you want the Weasley's weasle.
Harry: I'm definitely staying out here.
Ron: But we want Harry's peter!
Hermione: *GROANS*
Ron: And the Granger manger!
Hermione: STUPIFY!
Harry: ...Hermione! I can't believe you did that!
Hermione: Want to go shag?
Harry: If Ron's there, too.
Hermione: How about a silencing spell?
Harry: That'll work.
Harry/Ron/Hermione: SEXORZ!!!
Ron: This is awesome! BOOBS!
Harry: CLEFT!
Hermione: I should have stuck with Neville...
Ron: You've shagged Longbottom?
Hermione: That's not all that's long on him...
Harry: I feel faintly ill.
Ron: I think I vomited a little in my mouth.
Voice 2: The humansss are fornicating.
Harry: I CAN HEAR YOU!
Voice 2: Ssssshit...
Voice 1: We will bite them mid-orgasssm...
Harry: I'm not coming! EVER!
Ron: Harry, I know I'm good, but...
Harry: The snake! Is coming!
Ron: YES, IT IS >:)!!!!
*all sleeps*
Ron: *talking in sleep* Spiders...Harry...love...not the spiders...
Hermione: *talking in sleep* Have...to read...Hogwarts...a History...
Voice 2: They are asssleep...
Voice 3: Letsss bite them...
Voice 1: Leave the one with the ssscar to me...
Voice 2&3: Yesss, Lord Voldemort...
Voldy: \o/
Harry: OH NOES! NOT VOLDY!
Hermione: It's not always Snape and Malfoy, and it's not always Voldemort!
Harry: But it is this time!
Voldy: Better idea!
Voice 2: What massster?
Voldy: Letsss drive him nutsss by talking to him all night...
Voldy & snakes: *TALKTALKTALKTALK*
Ron: You killed Hermione! You bastard!
Harry: Shit.
Ron: Let's go shag!
Harry: Okay! \o/
Harry & Ron: SEXORZ!!!
Hermione's ghost: I hate them! But this ghost thing could come in handy...I can annoy them into doing their work and watch them have sex! \o/
Voice 1: We will get them for thisss...
Voice 2: Yesss...precioussss...
Harry: OMIGOD! O__________O
Ron: I know!
Harry: Snakes! The snakes!
Ron: LOVE MY SNAKE, SCAR-BOY!
Harry: O_____o
THE END.
BONUS STORY!