Quiet Room
I have been in my quiet room lately. Thinking... Philosophizing... I feel sad. Sad, trapped, confused and alone. Not because I am - but because everything is in my hands. And I do not like it. I don't like making decisions. I don't know if it's because of how I was raised or how I grew up, but every time I have to make a decision, I am terrified of making a mistake. I don't believe in myself enough to know that I can make it. That I can do it right.
I make a fuss about everything. Every little thing. And here lies the question: Should I stay or should I go? The neighbor city or England? Yes, I am going to study soon. Too soon. Everything is going to change - and that freaks me out. I am scared. I am terrified!
Everything I know, will be gone. All this time I've spent getting to know people, to earn trust, to learn how to trust, to love and be loved, to be comfortable in someone else's company, to be me in front of people - the real me - the true me... The person that I am so afraid to be. Was it all for nothing? What happens now? They go, I leave... And it's gone. Everything we built together crumbles away into emptiness. I know it doesn't have to be like that. But it might. And that makes me scared. I don't want to lose anything, yet I know I have to sacrifice something.
I am afraid of giving myself away. To let people know who I really am. Because if they do, and they don't like me.... What will I do? I am too scared to be who I am - too scared to lose. I need time... A lot of time to trust another human beeing. It's hard, because I'm insecure. And why am I so insecure? Simply because I have been told my whole life, that I'm not good enough. That I was a mistake and should never exist. When someone tells you something - no matter what it is - if you hear it enough times, you start to believe in it. Reality is funny that way. Funny but dangerous.
And then there's the other side: Dreams. I have dreams. But I also want to run. Run away and take my dreams with me. Run, run, far away. Away from problems and shackles holding me back.
But then again... They are so much more that shackles.
When a decision is up to me, I feel torn and empty. Because when I hold the power, I face my demons. Diffidence attacks me.
Fall is coming up soon. Too soon. And I am scared.
(And this song just really makes me want to cry:)
"It's just another day
Nothing's really changed
I can see it when you look at me
I know you don't believe in me
No you don't believe
No you don't believe in me"
-From "Just another day" by Sarah Bettens
I make a fuss about everything. Every little thing. And here lies the question: Should I stay or should I go? The neighbor city or England? Yes, I am going to study soon. Too soon. Everything is going to change - and that freaks me out. I am scared. I am terrified!
Everything I know, will be gone. All this time I've spent getting to know people, to earn trust, to learn how to trust, to love and be loved, to be comfortable in someone else's company, to be me in front of people - the real me - the true me... The person that I am so afraid to be. Was it all for nothing? What happens now? They go, I leave... And it's gone. Everything we built together crumbles away into emptiness. I know it doesn't have to be like that. But it might. And that makes me scared. I don't want to lose anything, yet I know I have to sacrifice something.
I am afraid of giving myself away. To let people know who I really am. Because if they do, and they don't like me.... What will I do? I am too scared to be who I am - too scared to lose. I need time... A lot of time to trust another human beeing. It's hard, because I'm insecure. And why am I so insecure? Simply because I have been told my whole life, that I'm not good enough. That I was a mistake and should never exist. When someone tells you something - no matter what it is - if you hear it enough times, you start to believe in it. Reality is funny that way. Funny but dangerous.
And then there's the other side: Dreams. I have dreams. But I also want to run. Run away and take my dreams with me. Run, run, far away. Away from problems and shackles holding me back.
But then again... They are so much more that shackles.
When a decision is up to me, I feel torn and empty. Because when I hold the power, I face my demons. Diffidence attacks me.
Fall is coming up soon. Too soon. And I am scared.
(And this song just really makes me want to cry:)
"It's just another day
Nothing's really changed
I can see it when you look at me
I know you don't believe in me
No you don't believe
No you don't believe in me"
-From "Just another day" by Sarah Bettens