les miserable
self-esteem is dropping as the day goes. is that what it is? i dont know. i've never been the type of person that would be affected by such things... there's something seriously missing though.. my confidence. my motivation. my giddyness. it's gone. WHY though? why do i care so much about this? it's like right now i'm agitated with myself... i can't be open to anyone. maybe the people i'm with aren't inspirational. i don't know. but right now i don't feel like living but that's just right now.
it changes everytime. when im alone like this i feel this. when im out and about having a good time i don't feel like this at all. but its not normal. i think more than others. why? what's wrong with me? i'm living in a world that i'm not fond of. but that's right now. it's like that. right now i feel this. am i the only one? it's depressing. im obsessive. im a waste of time . there's nothing to look forward to in life. i know this is stupid because i know there is but i'm just in that kind of mood. i'm the only one that obsesses over it though. others let it slide off their backs. this means im weak huh? depeche mode sounds like depressed mode. but this is horrible! haha look at me. im typing this. COMPLAINING endlessly about how miserable my life is when it isnt? that's pathetic. it really is.im a great destroyer. i love to make things complicated and dramatic. why? when all i want is peace. yet i seek chaos.
yet i seek chaos. i could be doing a million things right now. i have hw .. alot hw to do but i delay it. i know i delay it and i dont mind. why? i need to be active. i need ... a passion.. a desire... a drive for something?
i need a boost of self-confidence. but why? i'm very bubbly and a people person.. that deteriorates as time goes by. i become this person that i hate. i've become one of those losers that have nothing going for them. it's better off this way. god. i need something. i need love. yes. weird huh. ughhh. wow. im pathetic. seriously. why am i doing this again? i really dont know. as of now my mood is melancholy. i love that word. its full of sadness and gloom and deplorable. woosh.. i guess when u dont have a strong relationship with family or anything everything is bad. i dont have a bond with anyone. maybe cause ive never been attached before. davis was the first and only person i loved being with and felt comfortable with. maybe that's why it's hard to let him go. i can't let go of something that made me whole. that's my problem i guess. i get attached and i can't let go. i try but it's impossible. he's been a big part of my life. it's my first time ive ever been super happy and right. next to him. i lost that chance though. maybe all that was in my head. it was all fantasy. but the fact that that's gone is hard to bear. it's the worst feeling in the world. but i mean maybe it isn't davis. maybe i lost myself somehow because i don't do anything anymore. nothing is inspiring me. everyone is boring so far. i need someone that gives me laughter and adventure.
right now.. what makes me happy?
- waking up early in the morning and having a boost of energy
- great clothes
- laughing with laura, minh, marilyn
- volleyball (when i hit well and not run alot)
- finishing a tough assignment ahead of time
- sleeping
- eating avocado thing
- watching america's next top model + one tree hill + the OC
- having a great talk with peter thai
- shopping
- looking at pictures that amaze me
- watching movies that inspire me; that evokes emotion
- when i do my hair in weird ways
- starbucks mocha frappuccino with extra whipped cream
- having a peaceful moment
- feeling renewed
- feeling power, attention
- looking at quotes
what makes me NOT happy?
- when i hear davis's name spoken by someone i'm not close with
- when i go online and not talk to anybody [davis]
- studying history
- being bored
- not doing anything
- siting in silence
- people that show no respect to me
- when i look at other ppls myspaces and see how much relations they have with others
- envy
- bad hair days
- lazyness esp. delaying showering time
- feeling ominous
- knowing the things that i could have done
- thinking back to old times
- thinking about regrets
- walking alone to class
- feeling left out of something
- being not noticed
i'm
done.
it changes everytime. when im alone like this i feel this. when im out and about having a good time i don't feel like this at all. but its not normal. i think more than others. why? what's wrong with me? i'm living in a world that i'm not fond of. but that's right now. it's like that. right now i feel this. am i the only one? it's depressing. im obsessive. im a waste of time . there's nothing to look forward to in life. i know this is stupid because i know there is but i'm just in that kind of mood. i'm the only one that obsesses over it though. others let it slide off their backs. this means im weak huh? depeche mode sounds like depressed mode. but this is horrible! haha look at me. im typing this. COMPLAINING endlessly about how miserable my life is when it isnt? that's pathetic. it really is.im a great destroyer. i love to make things complicated and dramatic. why? when all i want is peace. yet i seek chaos.
yet i seek chaos. i could be doing a million things right now. i have hw .. alot hw to do but i delay it. i know i delay it and i dont mind. why? i need to be active. i need ... a passion.. a desire... a drive for something?
i need a boost of self-confidence. but why? i'm very bubbly and a people person.. that deteriorates as time goes by. i become this person that i hate. i've become one of those losers that have nothing going for them. it's better off this way. god. i need something. i need love. yes. weird huh. ughhh. wow. im pathetic. seriously. why am i doing this again? i really dont know. as of now my mood is melancholy. i love that word. its full of sadness and gloom and deplorable. woosh.. i guess when u dont have a strong relationship with family or anything everything is bad. i dont have a bond with anyone. maybe cause ive never been attached before. davis was the first and only person i loved being with and felt comfortable with. maybe that's why it's hard to let him go. i can't let go of something that made me whole. that's my problem i guess. i get attached and i can't let go. i try but it's impossible. he's been a big part of my life. it's my first time ive ever been super happy and right. next to him. i lost that chance though. maybe all that was in my head. it was all fantasy. but the fact that that's gone is hard to bear. it's the worst feeling in the world. but i mean maybe it isn't davis. maybe i lost myself somehow because i don't do anything anymore. nothing is inspiring me. everyone is boring so far. i need someone that gives me laughter and adventure.
right now.. what makes me happy?
- waking up early in the morning and having a boost of energy
- great clothes
- laughing with laura, minh, marilyn
- volleyball (when i hit well and not run alot)
- finishing a tough assignment ahead of time
- sleeping
- eating avocado thing
- watching america's next top model + one tree hill + the OC
- having a great talk with peter thai
- shopping
- looking at pictures that amaze me
- watching movies that inspire me; that evokes emotion
- when i do my hair in weird ways
- starbucks mocha frappuccino with extra whipped cream
- having a peaceful moment
- feeling renewed
- feeling power, attention
- looking at quotes
what makes me NOT happy?
- when i hear davis's name spoken by someone i'm not close with
- when i go online and not talk to anybody [davis]
- studying history
- being bored
- not doing anything
- siting in silence
- people that show no respect to me
- when i look at other ppls myspaces and see how much relations they have with others
- envy
- bad hair days
- lazyness esp. delaying showering time
- feeling ominous
- knowing the things that i could have done
- thinking back to old times
- thinking about regrets
- walking alone to class
- feeling left out of something
- being not noticed
i'm
done.