rollercoaster
So I've been sitting here for about 20 minutes, staring at this blank page, trying to write about it. IT. My friend Brandon Young committed sucicide last Monday, the 7th of February. Brandon lived down the hall from me last year. He was always there when you needed someone to talk to. He always knew how to make you feel better about whatever was getting you down. We jammed out on his guitar(ghandi) and listened to music all the time. Fall quarter we had 2 of our 3 classes together. Caitlin my roomie also had the same schedule. We studied together. We hung out together. Brandon and Caitlin were my community at K freshman year fall quarter. Brandon was a great guy. His smile made you feel so comfotrable around him. The three of us took numerous study breaks. We always made time to just sit around and talk. One time we were talking about making a music video, so we did. Brandon was the guitar player, Caitlin and Chelsea held up the background, and I filmed it. The hot dog song. It was like 4 in the morning before an evolution exam, and we had all gone nuts. But we had fun, and that song was in my head for weeks.
Brandon was amazing. I wish I would have told him that more often. He was such a strong personality. So unique. I will miss him so much. He loved everyone.
This is getting really hard to write. I was in Holland this weekend for MIAA's. Kathy asked me if she could talk to me on Thursday after prelims. I went into her room. She had me sit down and told me about BY. At first I didn't know what to do. I feel like my conversations with Kathy are akward enough already. I didn't cry. I told her we had been friends last year. This year I didn't feel like I spent any time with him at all. I was too obsessed with orgo, the swim team, and myself to reach out to my community from last year. We hung out a couple of times. I saw him in passing on the quad and always stopped to talk to him. The last time I saw him was in the caf a week ago. I guess I didn't realize how much Brandon influenced my life until now. He taught me how to accecpt myself for who I am. I feel like I changed so much fall quarter frosh year, and BY was a big part of that.
At the meet it was really easy for me to pack away my emotional 'baggage' and be happy for the team. At times I would find myself thinking about BY, and would go into the locker room or somewhere away from the team so they didn't see that I was upset. Not that I don't want them to see me upset, but i didn't want to bring them down for their races. Kathy told the team before finals Thursday night. Everyone was finding out anyways, and she wanted to let them know the facts, not rumors. She told them that I was friends with him. The whole weekend eveyone was asking me if I was ok, and I said I was, but I wasn't. I don't know how to deal with this. It sucks so much.
I went to the memorial service today with Megan, Kyle, Monika, and Chris. It was really nice. It made me realize how much BY was loved by his friends and family. I cried. I needed to. Sometimes I feel like I try to supress tears when they need to be let out. This event has made me cry over a lot of things that I haven't cried about but probably should have.
When BY's brothers and sister talked about him I lost it. I know that BY loved them SO much. Once he brought a video from home that he made me watch like 10 times. His younger brother and sister and him made a skit. It was ridiculous, but so BY. It was just them messing around with random costume changes. There were other times when he would bring videos of them singing or playing drums/ guitar. He was so proud of them. And then it made me think about my brother. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. I love him so much. He reminds me of BY too. Total goofball, always makes me smile. I feel like my family is like BY's family in a way. We're all really close. I am so fortunate to have them.
I'm really sad right now. I don't feel like doing anything. My homework is the last thing on my mind. This weekend I was happy, with my team, away from this mess. But now I feel like I had to dive into complete madness when we came back. It hit me harder than I had expected. I thought I had reasoned it out in my head. Brandon is dead. At first I felt like I could have done something, but then I rendered these thoughts as futile. There is no point in exploring the 'what if's'. It's exhausting. The memorial service was good for me. I hadn't competely realized the totality of the decision. Brandon will live on inside his family and friends. It was an honor to know such an amazing person.
--
Two jumps in a week,
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Flying on your motorcycle,
watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition,
kill yourself to never, ever stop
You broke another mirror,
you're turning into something you are not
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Drying up in conversation,
you'll be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces,
you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit on you,
you'll be the one screaming out
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Oh, it's the best thing that you ever had,
the best thing that you ever, ever had.
It's the best thing that you ever had,
the best thing you have had has gone away.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high,
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
--
Rhiannon preformed this at the memorial service. I remember her and BY using me as an audience for their preformances. So many good memories. So many good times. Such an amazing person. We will miss you forever BY.
Brandon was amazing. I wish I would have told him that more often. He was such a strong personality. So unique. I will miss him so much. He loved everyone.
This is getting really hard to write. I was in Holland this weekend for MIAA's. Kathy asked me if she could talk to me on Thursday after prelims. I went into her room. She had me sit down and told me about BY. At first I didn't know what to do. I feel like my conversations with Kathy are akward enough already. I didn't cry. I told her we had been friends last year. This year I didn't feel like I spent any time with him at all. I was too obsessed with orgo, the swim team, and myself to reach out to my community from last year. We hung out a couple of times. I saw him in passing on the quad and always stopped to talk to him. The last time I saw him was in the caf a week ago. I guess I didn't realize how much Brandon influenced my life until now. He taught me how to accecpt myself for who I am. I feel like I changed so much fall quarter frosh year, and BY was a big part of that.
At the meet it was really easy for me to pack away my emotional 'baggage' and be happy for the team. At times I would find myself thinking about BY, and would go into the locker room or somewhere away from the team so they didn't see that I was upset. Not that I don't want them to see me upset, but i didn't want to bring them down for their races. Kathy told the team before finals Thursday night. Everyone was finding out anyways, and she wanted to let them know the facts, not rumors. She told them that I was friends with him. The whole weekend eveyone was asking me if I was ok, and I said I was, but I wasn't. I don't know how to deal with this. It sucks so much.
I went to the memorial service today with Megan, Kyle, Monika, and Chris. It was really nice. It made me realize how much BY was loved by his friends and family. I cried. I needed to. Sometimes I feel like I try to supress tears when they need to be let out. This event has made me cry over a lot of things that I haven't cried about but probably should have.
When BY's brothers and sister talked about him I lost it. I know that BY loved them SO much. Once he brought a video from home that he made me watch like 10 times. His younger brother and sister and him made a skit. It was ridiculous, but so BY. It was just them messing around with random costume changes. There were other times when he would bring videos of them singing or playing drums/ guitar. He was so proud of them. And then it made me think about my brother. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. I love him so much. He reminds me of BY too. Total goofball, always makes me smile. I feel like my family is like BY's family in a way. We're all really close. I am so fortunate to have them.
I'm really sad right now. I don't feel like doing anything. My homework is the last thing on my mind. This weekend I was happy, with my team, away from this mess. But now I feel like I had to dive into complete madness when we came back. It hit me harder than I had expected. I thought I had reasoned it out in my head. Brandon is dead. At first I felt like I could have done something, but then I rendered these thoughts as futile. There is no point in exploring the 'what if's'. It's exhausting. The memorial service was good for me. I hadn't competely realized the totality of the decision. Brandon will live on inside his family and friends. It was an honor to know such an amazing person.
--
Two jumps in a week,
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Flying on your motorcycle,
watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition,
kill yourself to never, ever stop
You broke another mirror,
you're turning into something you are not
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Drying up in conversation,
you'll be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces,
you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit on you,
you'll be the one screaming out
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Oh, it's the best thing that you ever had,
the best thing that you ever, ever had.
It's the best thing that you ever had,
the best thing you have had has gone away.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high,
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
--
Rhiannon preformed this at the memorial service. I remember her and BY using me as an audience for their preformances. So many good memories. So many good times. Such an amazing person. We will miss you forever BY.