single (as always)... confused, hopefull... and yes still a bit fucked up
So...
I don't write much about my life any more, mostly because i hate dealing with reality, but also because when i go to The Dark Place in my mind and soul... it is not a pritty thing, and it is verry hard to get out of, and even harder if people try to help me. But i am doign rether well latley and am therefore going to write on my life and troubles.
Singleness:
I actualy dont mind it that much, it shure does lead to alot of UNwanted attention, but it can also lead to some verry fun things... LIKE dates where the guy is not expecting anything, Just enjoying my company, and gettign to know eachother (I LOVE THESE DATES)
but it can also leave me feelign a bit lonly on those cold nights....BUT then again i am not exacxtly 100% single, i am Dateing a Guy, and its nice.... But he is changing, we hev been going on dates since September, so change is understandable, but... i don't know, he wasnt more...ALOT more physicaly soemtimes, he doesnt force, or even try to get anyting, he jsut jokes, and talks about it alot sometimes... it has been getting worse lately, i think because he is now on the Wrestling team at his school, and is hanging around guys like more and more. SO... this worries me a LITTLE... i dont want an overly physical relationship... but the trubel is that i care about him alot emotionaly.
BUT us in a relationship ,WOULD be both volital and verry physcial. (hence why we are only dating)
Confused:
I think that i am starting to fall for a girl... YES a girl, you are not seeign things. It has been a recent thing i have noticed... i kiss more girls then i do guys?... an i tryign to protect myself form being hurt... Because of my past experiences with guys?... or am i actulay sexualy attacted to girls more then guys now?... HENCE the "confused"...
CONFUSED part 2:
drugs... i do not really do drugs, i have smoked pot twice, gotten shit faced drunk 3 times ( i only regreat one of them)... and buzzed 4-5 times... i have abused some on my meds before when i was suisidal... that why i stoped taking my meds... i was scared of the simplicity to, and the want to fuck myself up ... and go tripping, or OD.. i have not done this since June .... BUT right now i have the ability to acces ANYTHING... Speed, Ecstacy, Acid, Cocain, LSD, PCP, Meth, Shrooms, Pot, Creeper weed, Absinth, Alcohol... etc. And i find myself wanting to try more then jsut the pot and liquer... i dont... and i porably NEVER will... but i still want to... if i ever do get sucked into the drug world... i at least know alot about them ( THANK YOU GOV'T project)... and i have the ones i knwo i will NEVER tollerate anyone of my friends using, and NEVER use myself... they are as follows... ANY form or dirivitive of Heroin, Meth, or Crack Cocain.
I have not doen these other drugs ...but i am a bit worried i will want to
HOPEFUL!!!:
i have been doing alot better, emotionaly then in the past. I am back in therapy, and will be getting back on seritonin boosters soon. i have accepted that it is a fack of life that i have to take meds to funcktion... I have had TOO many, darkness collapses. Not the i'm just depressed all the time... but the more dangerious, SNAP form i'm happy/okay/ doign good... to my deep darkness that leaves me compleatly sepporated from life, verry suisidal , and compleatly unreceptive of any help... IT IS NOT FAIR for me to do that to my firends who love and care for me... i WANT to get better, and i have been... CASE IN POINT!... I HAVE A LIBIDO!!!!! (yay!), i can stand being tuched most of the time now... but i still far alot better with girls then with guys... and a SHIT load better with people 25 and under then actual adults...( i kinda smacked one my teachers with abook when she kept tutching me trying to get me to turn around... it was a REFLEX... i didn't really mean to smack her) and well idk.. my emotions are still wonky... but i am hopefull that they will continue to get better
AS ALWAYS:
i am Kelley...
i am Still fucked up in the head form my past.
I am still giver to the point of nothingness
i am still a lover... who loves unconditionaly
i am still a hopeful romantic
I still have nightmares regularly
i still have truble eating and sleeping somtimes
i still work myself past exahstion
i still dont have a great/ good GPA
I still have my suisidal moments
i am still depresses
i am still angry
NEW!!!:
I am HAPPY!
I smile
I laugh
i kiss, hug, hold, and like tutching now
i am less shut off
i have gotten better at not letting things get to me
I am working on getting into college
I am hopefull for Les Mis auditions
I have a libido again (not always a good thing)
and i am LOVEING again
I don't write much about my life any more, mostly because i hate dealing with reality, but also because when i go to The Dark Place in my mind and soul... it is not a pritty thing, and it is verry hard to get out of, and even harder if people try to help me. But i am doign rether well latley and am therefore going to write on my life and troubles.
Singleness:
I actualy dont mind it that much, it shure does lead to alot of UNwanted attention, but it can also lead to some verry fun things... LIKE dates where the guy is not expecting anything, Just enjoying my company, and gettign to know eachother (I LOVE THESE DATES)
but it can also leave me feelign a bit lonly on those cold nights....BUT then again i am not exacxtly 100% single, i am Dateing a Guy, and its nice.... But he is changing, we hev been going on dates since September, so change is understandable, but... i don't know, he wasnt more...ALOT more physicaly soemtimes, he doesnt force, or even try to get anyting, he jsut jokes, and talks about it alot sometimes... it has been getting worse lately, i think because he is now on the Wrestling team at his school, and is hanging around guys like more and more. SO... this worries me a LITTLE... i dont want an overly physical relationship... but the trubel is that i care about him alot emotionaly.
BUT us in a relationship ,WOULD be both volital and verry physcial. (hence why we are only dating)
Confused:
I think that i am starting to fall for a girl... YES a girl, you are not seeign things. It has been a recent thing i have noticed... i kiss more girls then i do guys?... an i tryign to protect myself form being hurt... Because of my past experiences with guys?... or am i actulay sexualy attacted to girls more then guys now?... HENCE the "confused"...
CONFUSED part 2:
drugs... i do not really do drugs, i have smoked pot twice, gotten shit faced drunk 3 times ( i only regreat one of them)... and buzzed 4-5 times... i have abused some on my meds before when i was suisidal... that why i stoped taking my meds... i was scared of the simplicity to, and the want to fuck myself up ... and go tripping, or OD.. i have not done this since June .... BUT right now i have the ability to acces ANYTHING... Speed, Ecstacy, Acid, Cocain, LSD, PCP, Meth, Shrooms, Pot, Creeper weed, Absinth, Alcohol... etc. And i find myself wanting to try more then jsut the pot and liquer... i dont... and i porably NEVER will... but i still want to... if i ever do get sucked into the drug world... i at least know alot about them ( THANK YOU GOV'T project)... and i have the ones i knwo i will NEVER tollerate anyone of my friends using, and NEVER use myself... they are as follows... ANY form or dirivitive of Heroin, Meth, or Crack Cocain.
I have not doen these other drugs ...but i am a bit worried i will want to
HOPEFUL!!!:
i have been doing alot better, emotionaly then in the past. I am back in therapy, and will be getting back on seritonin boosters soon. i have accepted that it is a fack of life that i have to take meds to funcktion... I have had TOO many, darkness collapses. Not the i'm just depressed all the time... but the more dangerious, SNAP form i'm happy/okay/ doign good... to my deep darkness that leaves me compleatly sepporated from life, verry suisidal , and compleatly unreceptive of any help... IT IS NOT FAIR for me to do that to my firends who love and care for me... i WANT to get better, and i have been... CASE IN POINT!... I HAVE A LIBIDO!!!!! (yay!), i can stand being tuched most of the time now... but i still far alot better with girls then with guys... and a SHIT load better with people 25 and under then actual adults...( i kinda smacked one my teachers with abook when she kept tutching me trying to get me to turn around... it was a REFLEX... i didn't really mean to smack her) and well idk.. my emotions are still wonky... but i am hopefull that they will continue to get better
AS ALWAYS:
i am Kelley...
i am Still fucked up in the head form my past.
I am still giver to the point of nothingness
i am still a lover... who loves unconditionaly
i am still a hopeful romantic
I still have nightmares regularly
i still have truble eating and sleeping somtimes
i still work myself past exahstion
i still dont have a great/ good GPA
I still have my suisidal moments
i am still depresses
i am still angry
NEW!!!:
I am HAPPY!
I smile
I laugh
i kiss, hug, hold, and like tutching now
i am less shut off
i have gotten better at not letting things get to me
I am working on getting into college
I am hopefull for Les Mis auditions
I have a libido again (not always a good thing)
and i am LOVEING again