the life of a displaced bipolar kid
sigh
I am currently doing an internship in Paksitan for two months for kicks and giggles, and due to LOUSY internet access i haven't as yet been able to post anything except my current rant...
Yesterday, I got up, went to work. I had been feeling on top of the world the last few days, becoming really friendly with everyone at work, which, in Pakistan as a girl isn't always approved. However, my colleagues at work are chilled out and they don't seem to mind.
But thats where the problems start. Who would worry if someone becomes friendly? Its normal, if not appreciated. So there I am, at my peak, joking, laughing, being witty, flirting with my boss who I have a huge crush on because I am apparently still 12 inside...
I am ready to go home.
I have been waiting for my cousin to take me ANYWHERE for over a week. In London, I am used to doing whatever i want. I feel bored, i go out with my friends. I feel hermitty and my best friend comes over and we be sad and hermitty together... except I have been slowly becoming manic as the days go by. Sleeping 5 hours a day, excelling at work, life and my make-believe relationship with my boss.
Its 5, i'm leaving an hour early to go home and do shopping. I tell my boss i have to go because my second husband found out about my first and i need to do some serious damage control. He laughs, I wait. My cousin isn't collecting me anymore and i can feel myself getting agitated, naturally. She sends the driver to collect me, except he's late... 5:30. My colleagues are teasing me relentlessly, all buddy buddy, like I had been doing earlier. Except now I am in no mood for it. Nevertheless, I stay smiling but my witty remarks are more cutting. My voice louder and angrier. I finally leave.
The taxi driver keeps the front windows open for circulation as I choke on the thick black exhaust fumes and the smell of decomposing waste and manure. When I finally get home there are guests so I go and help my aunt. My cousin phones and tells me abruptly to wake up my her brother so that he can drive us to the market. He is fast asleep. In between tea and biscuits I am banging on hisbedroom door and answering my cousin on the phone who is telling me that it'll b my fault if we're too late to go... fresh from someone who's cancelled on me twice.
He wakes and leaves to collect my cousin. She lives 2 minutes away. They get back 20 minutes later. The guests have by this time left and I go downstairs to get in. My cousin sends me back to get me grandma and some material - my grandma??? WHY? i am cursing inside - my grandma is praying and says she isn't going - i am thanking god- I grab the material and go down.
My cousin doesn't beliee that my grandma doens't want to go and goes back up. They come down together and my grandma is like i said i wanted to go! i am ready to smack something at this point.
I get in the car. More guests arrive. We get out and go back upstairs. At 8 they finally leave. I am by this point bursting with rage. Getiing serious palpatations, I run around at full speed searching for my cousins bag, which turns out to be in the car after all. When we finally drive off, my mind is throbbing. Not a headache, I mean like i'm ready to burst.
My grandma tells me my room is a complete mess - it isn't- she's laughing but she's actually telling me off. My cousins look at me to check my reaction... will she answer back? will she get upset, angry? like a bloody pack of vultures waiting for me to slip up. I start feeling defensive and getting more and more sensitive. I say ok, i'll try harder.
We get to the market. My granma and my cousin walk off together. My other cousin goes to the mosque to pray. I can feel tears burning in my eyes. This is the second time i have gone out in a month. and it turns out the only reason is because they both have other things to do. Suddenly everyone in the market is looking at me. Dark faces with bright gleaming eyes. Everybody can see that i don't fit in. my heart beats faster. I am suddenly scared of everything.
I walk after them, miserable.
I wnated to buy some material to make a dress i had seen in a magazine. my cousin had told me earlier in the week it was a brilliant idea, except now she doesn't know what I'm talking about and that it won't look good. She says that none of the three things i wanted to make will look good infact and that i should make this dress that she had thought of.
I insist on the magazine dress but also accept another dress of her choosing. She keeps saying that it won't look goodand that she doesn't understand, except she's seen the picture and had said ok before. I am getting upset. WHy is telling me i am useless in front of everybody. THe people on the stalls are looking.
We go to a chiffon shop. My cousin starts again and in my exasperation i say i don't want it anymore. She tells me to stop being so stupid and laughs. My grandma asks what it was i wanted made. My cousin explains and my grandma makes a face and she laughs. I can't take it anymore. The shopkeeper is staring at me. I tell my cousin, my grandma and my other cousin (who has returned) to just forget it. I try to usher them out. They laugh and tell me not to get excited and insist i stay. I go silent and stare balnkly at the cloth. My tears are swelling. My other cousin snorts and says, "whats there to cry about?" THe shophelpers snap towards me. I snap back, "I'm not crying"
I wasn't then, and why were they laughing at me making a scene when it was them who were drawing attention to me. I chose the colth.
We leave, on the way out. They all start talking, telling me that its stupid to get upset and that we should buy this for me and that for me. I walk ahead. I am 21 years old and i am not crying because i want something. except i am crying. my face contorts as i try to stop it. I force a smile. The stall keepers are staring. My cousin jumps ahead. Why are you crying?
Everyone's shouting
Noone's shouting
She takes me aside. I burst into tears as she drags me to the dye house. Heat and dust plastered on my face like a thick towel. I tell her its not about the jokes, its not about the dress. and it wasn't. i just can't stop crying.
I tell her i'm bipolar.
she says yes, i get depressed sometimes too and asks what medication i have taken. shes a doctor and i tell her she doesn't understand.
i sit down. My speech is getting stunted. I can't form words anymore. I am shaking as i cry and am stuttering out words in a language i barely speak, walking serenely towards the car with my other cousin and my grandma walking behind. We're almost there. I break down.
Calming myself i sit in the car and scratch out my hand till i stop crying. It takes me an hour.
My cousin gives me a sleeping pill to help me sleep.
i woke up today with large red scratches all over my hand, and big pink brown crescents where my nails dug in. My grandma wonders why the mosquitos always bite me.
I am currently doing an internship in Paksitan for two months for kicks and giggles, and due to LOUSY internet access i haven't as yet been able to post anything except my current rant...
Yesterday, I got up, went to work. I had been feeling on top of the world the last few days, becoming really friendly with everyone at work, which, in Pakistan as a girl isn't always approved. However, my colleagues at work are chilled out and they don't seem to mind.
But thats where the problems start. Who would worry if someone becomes friendly? Its normal, if not appreciated. So there I am, at my peak, joking, laughing, being witty, flirting with my boss who I have a huge crush on because I am apparently still 12 inside...
I am ready to go home.
I have been waiting for my cousin to take me ANYWHERE for over a week. In London, I am used to doing whatever i want. I feel bored, i go out with my friends. I feel hermitty and my best friend comes over and we be sad and hermitty together... except I have been slowly becoming manic as the days go by. Sleeping 5 hours a day, excelling at work, life and my make-believe relationship with my boss.
Its 5, i'm leaving an hour early to go home and do shopping. I tell my boss i have to go because my second husband found out about my first and i need to do some serious damage control. He laughs, I wait. My cousin isn't collecting me anymore and i can feel myself getting agitated, naturally. She sends the driver to collect me, except he's late... 5:30. My colleagues are teasing me relentlessly, all buddy buddy, like I had been doing earlier. Except now I am in no mood for it. Nevertheless, I stay smiling but my witty remarks are more cutting. My voice louder and angrier. I finally leave.
The taxi driver keeps the front windows open for circulation as I choke on the thick black exhaust fumes and the smell of decomposing waste and manure. When I finally get home there are guests so I go and help my aunt. My cousin phones and tells me abruptly to wake up my her brother so that he can drive us to the market. He is fast asleep. In between tea and biscuits I am banging on hisbedroom door and answering my cousin on the phone who is telling me that it'll b my fault if we're too late to go... fresh from someone who's cancelled on me twice.
He wakes and leaves to collect my cousin. She lives 2 minutes away. They get back 20 minutes later. The guests have by this time left and I go downstairs to get in. My cousin sends me back to get me grandma and some material - my grandma??? WHY? i am cursing inside - my grandma is praying and says she isn't going - i am thanking god- I grab the material and go down.
My cousin doesn't beliee that my grandma doens't want to go and goes back up. They come down together and my grandma is like i said i wanted to go! i am ready to smack something at this point.
I get in the car. More guests arrive. We get out and go back upstairs. At 8 they finally leave. I am by this point bursting with rage. Getiing serious palpatations, I run around at full speed searching for my cousins bag, which turns out to be in the car after all. When we finally drive off, my mind is throbbing. Not a headache, I mean like i'm ready to burst.
My grandma tells me my room is a complete mess - it isn't- she's laughing but she's actually telling me off. My cousins look at me to check my reaction... will she answer back? will she get upset, angry? like a bloody pack of vultures waiting for me to slip up. I start feeling defensive and getting more and more sensitive. I say ok, i'll try harder.
We get to the market. My granma and my cousin walk off together. My other cousin goes to the mosque to pray. I can feel tears burning in my eyes. This is the second time i have gone out in a month. and it turns out the only reason is because they both have other things to do. Suddenly everyone in the market is looking at me. Dark faces with bright gleaming eyes. Everybody can see that i don't fit in. my heart beats faster. I am suddenly scared of everything.
I walk after them, miserable.
I wnated to buy some material to make a dress i had seen in a magazine. my cousin had told me earlier in the week it was a brilliant idea, except now she doesn't know what I'm talking about and that it won't look good. She says that none of the three things i wanted to make will look good infact and that i should make this dress that she had thought of.
I insist on the magazine dress but also accept another dress of her choosing. She keeps saying that it won't look goodand that she doesn't understand, except she's seen the picture and had said ok before. I am getting upset. WHy is telling me i am useless in front of everybody. THe people on the stalls are looking.
We go to a chiffon shop. My cousin starts again and in my exasperation i say i don't want it anymore. She tells me to stop being so stupid and laughs. My grandma asks what it was i wanted made. My cousin explains and my grandma makes a face and she laughs. I can't take it anymore. The shopkeeper is staring at me. I tell my cousin, my grandma and my other cousin (who has returned) to just forget it. I try to usher them out. They laugh and tell me not to get excited and insist i stay. I go silent and stare balnkly at the cloth. My tears are swelling. My other cousin snorts and says, "whats there to cry about?" THe shophelpers snap towards me. I snap back, "I'm not crying"
I wasn't then, and why were they laughing at me making a scene when it was them who were drawing attention to me. I chose the colth.
We leave, on the way out. They all start talking, telling me that its stupid to get upset and that we should buy this for me and that for me. I walk ahead. I am 21 years old and i am not crying because i want something. except i am crying. my face contorts as i try to stop it. I force a smile. The stall keepers are staring. My cousin jumps ahead. Why are you crying?
Everyone's shouting
Noone's shouting
She takes me aside. I burst into tears as she drags me to the dye house. Heat and dust plastered on my face like a thick towel. I tell her its not about the jokes, its not about the dress. and it wasn't. i just can't stop crying.
I tell her i'm bipolar.
she says yes, i get depressed sometimes too and asks what medication i have taken. shes a doctor and i tell her she doesn't understand.
i sit down. My speech is getting stunted. I can't form words anymore. I am shaking as i cry and am stuttering out words in a language i barely speak, walking serenely towards the car with my other cousin and my grandma walking behind. We're almost there. I break down.
Calming myself i sit in the car and scratch out my hand till i stop crying. It takes me an hour.
My cousin gives me a sleeping pill to help me sleep.
i woke up today with large red scratches all over my hand, and big pink brown crescents where my nails dug in. My grandma wonders why the mosquitos always bite me.