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Not that anyone actually reads this... but I need to get this off my chest...
So... Art and I finally broke up. The guy I thought I could spend the rest of my life with... our relationship has ended. So what now?
I'm afraid of what comes next. I haven't been single since I was 16, I hardly knew myself then, and now I have to try to find myself? How am I supposed to find someone I don't even know? At this point I'm going to stay away from dating, I don't even want to think about that. I still love Arthur... a fact which I almost hate. I wish I was at the point he was at. Knowing that he wasn't in love with me anymore... I have to say I envy him for that. He's known for months that he doesn't love me the same way and I've been questioning my love for him during those months. I hate the fact that he made me wait. At least if we had just broken up when we were on our break, I could be much farther in my healing process by now.
Saturday was probably the hardest day of my life... I woke up at 6 to read,"Amy, we really need to talk." And nothing more. I waited for 7 and a half hours for him to tell me he wants to break up... which I knew the moment I read his message. I had been crying all morning knowing that,"Today is the day... today ends our relationship." When we finally talked, it was quick and to the point. I made sure of that. He tried to break it easy to me, but I already knew, there was no reason to beat around the bush. Of course I tried to go to work, after I had thrown up the only thing in my stomach, which was bile and water, but I could only handle two and a half hours, and threw up again... which was even less water and some tylonal to try and subside my migraine. Thank God for my family. I called Jenny and she came to the house right away. She stayed with me, let me cry and tried to help me eat. But it hurt so much to see Matt. Although Matt and Art weren't exactly close friends anymore, I couldn't help but feel I've ruined their friendship. I will never date one of my brothers friends again. Hell at this point I don't even want to date again. My happy little life I had planned out is gone out the window. The one joy I was looking forward to the most was being a mom, and now I can't even see that... But anyway... back to my family... They were all very supportive, and of course still are... It's only the third day after all, I'm just in the beginning of all of this shit. Jenny stayed with me until I fell asleep and called me the next day. She even lent me one of her break-up books. Too bad it's just telling me things I already know and don't really care to hear from complete strangers, although that may be comfort to others, it's irritating to me. But I appreciate the thought.
*sighs*
I hate to say it, but I almost feel as if four years of my life was wasted... and I know that isn't true. I loved Arthur... with all my heart... and I still love him, but to put so much effort into what turns out to be nothing feels like a waste of my emotions, time, and energy. What a terrible thing to say or to even think.
However, I, more than anything, wish it hadn't ended the way it did... with words that didn't need to be said. He didn't need to make a remark about him burning in hell, he doesn't know that, nor does he know that I'll be enjoying heaven, for all we know there isn't a heaven or hell, and neither of us will know what happens to the other in the end. But, being that I do believe in it... it hurt me very much for him to say that. Probably more than he will ever realize. And I decided, after I thought about it, to say something rude back... to wish him luck on his exams, though I only half heartedly meant it, to have fun drinking, almost hoping he would become a worthless drunk, and to tell his father and step-mother that they won the battle, I wasn't his girlfriend or love anymore. I will never be sorry for saying that to him, though everyday I hope he regrets saying what he said to me. I hope it eats him up inside, because that's how I feel. I never wish to imagine him burning and suffering for eternity... I wouldn't even wish that on my worst enemy non-the-less to the man I still love.
I could not imagine a world without him... but now I HAVE to. It terrifies me. I only know how to be with Arthur. I don't know what it's like to be with someone else, to be someone else. I based a lot of what I did around him. Often I thought, "Would Arthur be mad if I did this?" "Would he think less of me if I did that?" "Would he like it did this for him?" Now I have to be somewhat selfish. I don't really have to think what someone else will think of me if I do something. If I want to, I can go drinking with a bunch of guys and not care if something happens, or smoke a cigarette and know that I don't have to answer to anyone... Not that I had to answer to Arthur, but I didn't do it for HIM...
Honestly, we really weren't good for each other. I was a terrible girlfriend, no matter how much I thought I was a good one. I did things behind his back, I didn't tell him everything, I lied. But... he didn't make ME truly happy. He didn't talk to me while he was away, he wanted me to do things I didn't want to do, and told him constantly I didn't want to do them, he didn't take into consideration my concerns for him. Although I could never imagine him cheating on me... of course people, not naming names, have asked me if he had. Truly, the thought never crossed my mind... but what if he had. He was covering for a friend, what's to say that friends weren't covering him? I don't really think he has the stomach for it, but who knows? He never talked to me and I was never around to see if he changed. But, it's completely irrelevant now. It would only make it hurt that much worse if I knew. So I don't really care to know if he had.
...But... I can't help but say I would love to wait for him to turn around... maybe realize I'm worth fighting for. But I already know he's tried. He even tried not to hurt me. But there is no good way to end a relationship, so I was bound to get hurt in the end. Never in our wildest dreams did we think that we would make it as far was we did... and I will remember the good times, hopefully over the bad. And maybe I can forgive and forget this happened. Maybe one of these days I will move on and find someone who will love me forever. Maybe I won't. I'll never know unless I move on.
So... I'm not really sure what's going to happen next. I'm not going to be "Happy Amy" for a while, but just wait... She'll come back... she's just taking a break... she won't be gone long...
So... Art and I finally broke up. The guy I thought I could spend the rest of my life with... our relationship has ended. So what now?
I'm afraid of what comes next. I haven't been single since I was 16, I hardly knew myself then, and now I have to try to find myself? How am I supposed to find someone I don't even know? At this point I'm going to stay away from dating, I don't even want to think about that. I still love Arthur... a fact which I almost hate. I wish I was at the point he was at. Knowing that he wasn't in love with me anymore... I have to say I envy him for that. He's known for months that he doesn't love me the same way and I've been questioning my love for him during those months. I hate the fact that he made me wait. At least if we had just broken up when we were on our break, I could be much farther in my healing process by now.
Saturday was probably the hardest day of my life... I woke up at 6 to read,"Amy, we really need to talk." And nothing more. I waited for 7 and a half hours for him to tell me he wants to break up... which I knew the moment I read his message. I had been crying all morning knowing that,"Today is the day... today ends our relationship." When we finally talked, it was quick and to the point. I made sure of that. He tried to break it easy to me, but I already knew, there was no reason to beat around the bush. Of course I tried to go to work, after I had thrown up the only thing in my stomach, which was bile and water, but I could only handle two and a half hours, and threw up again... which was even less water and some tylonal to try and subside my migraine. Thank God for my family. I called Jenny and she came to the house right away. She stayed with me, let me cry and tried to help me eat. But it hurt so much to see Matt. Although Matt and Art weren't exactly close friends anymore, I couldn't help but feel I've ruined their friendship. I will never date one of my brothers friends again. Hell at this point I don't even want to date again. My happy little life I had planned out is gone out the window. The one joy I was looking forward to the most was being a mom, and now I can't even see that... But anyway... back to my family... They were all very supportive, and of course still are... It's only the third day after all, I'm just in the beginning of all of this shit. Jenny stayed with me until I fell asleep and called me the next day. She even lent me one of her break-up books. Too bad it's just telling me things I already know and don't really care to hear from complete strangers, although that may be comfort to others, it's irritating to me. But I appreciate the thought.
*sighs*
I hate to say it, but I almost feel as if four years of my life was wasted... and I know that isn't true. I loved Arthur... with all my heart... and I still love him, but to put so much effort into what turns out to be nothing feels like a waste of my emotions, time, and energy. What a terrible thing to say or to even think.
However, I, more than anything, wish it hadn't ended the way it did... with words that didn't need to be said. He didn't need to make a remark about him burning in hell, he doesn't know that, nor does he know that I'll be enjoying heaven, for all we know there isn't a heaven or hell, and neither of us will know what happens to the other in the end. But, being that I do believe in it... it hurt me very much for him to say that. Probably more than he will ever realize. And I decided, after I thought about it, to say something rude back... to wish him luck on his exams, though I only half heartedly meant it, to have fun drinking, almost hoping he would become a worthless drunk, and to tell his father and step-mother that they won the battle, I wasn't his girlfriend or love anymore. I will never be sorry for saying that to him, though everyday I hope he regrets saying what he said to me. I hope it eats him up inside, because that's how I feel. I never wish to imagine him burning and suffering for eternity... I wouldn't even wish that on my worst enemy non-the-less to the man I still love.
I could not imagine a world without him... but now I HAVE to. It terrifies me. I only know how to be with Arthur. I don't know what it's like to be with someone else, to be someone else. I based a lot of what I did around him. Often I thought, "Would Arthur be mad if I did this?" "Would he think less of me if I did that?" "Would he like it did this for him?" Now I have to be somewhat selfish. I don't really have to think what someone else will think of me if I do something. If I want to, I can go drinking with a bunch of guys and not care if something happens, or smoke a cigarette and know that I don't have to answer to anyone... Not that I had to answer to Arthur, but I didn't do it for HIM...
Honestly, we really weren't good for each other. I was a terrible girlfriend, no matter how much I thought I was a good one. I did things behind his back, I didn't tell him everything, I lied. But... he didn't make ME truly happy. He didn't talk to me while he was away, he wanted me to do things I didn't want to do, and told him constantly I didn't want to do them, he didn't take into consideration my concerns for him. Although I could never imagine him cheating on me... of course people, not naming names, have asked me if he had. Truly, the thought never crossed my mind... but what if he had. He was covering for a friend, what's to say that friends weren't covering him? I don't really think he has the stomach for it, but who knows? He never talked to me and I was never around to see if he changed. But, it's completely irrelevant now. It would only make it hurt that much worse if I knew. So I don't really care to know if he had.
...But... I can't help but say I would love to wait for him to turn around... maybe realize I'm worth fighting for. But I already know he's tried. He even tried not to hurt me. But there is no good way to end a relationship, so I was bound to get hurt in the end. Never in our wildest dreams did we think that we would make it as far was we did... and I will remember the good times, hopefully over the bad. And maybe I can forgive and forget this happened. Maybe one of these days I will move on and find someone who will love me forever. Maybe I won't. I'll never know unless I move on.
So... I'm not really sure what's going to happen next. I'm not going to be "Happy Amy" for a while, but just wait... She'll come back... she's just taking a break... she won't be gone long...