(no subject)
1. OMG I SUCK AT MY FLIST! Since I have recently been getting things done instead of just procrastinating on the internet (WAT) I haven't had time to read all it all ;_;. I don't think it's possible for me to catch up on everything, so if there's anything important I've missed, like, say, naked pictures, now is the time to tell me.
2. I finished reading Twatlight \o/. The pain is finally over. I think I may have to write to Smeyer now, just to point out a few things.
Dear Smeyer,
Describing Edward's chest as perfectly-muscled more than once is not required. Describing his voice as musical (on no less than three occasions), velvet (twice), silken, irresistible (twice), velvety, velvet soft, silky, appealing, and "more beautiful than any human's" is also excessive. "Liquid topaz eyes" does not conjure the image you think it does. You could have told us that Edward's face was dazzlingly pretty without informing us that it was perfect (twice), glorious (also twice), stunning, too-perfect, heavenly, seraphic, "flawless features," breathtaking, an "angel's face," ashen, with a "perfect nose," "flawless lips," and "marble lips." If his eyes are described as golden one more time, I will murder you; and no, "dark golden" is not an acceptable replacement. Describing his laughter as musical would have been okay, since it was the only word I noticed you using that referred to his laugh (keep in mind that I started my adjective list part way through the book, and at other times I was often cringing or skimming, so it is only partially complete). Unfortunately, you had already murdered the word with your painful overusage.
I suppose it does make sense to have endless purple description of Edward, since the story is told from Bella's POV, and she is hopelessly obsessed with him for no good reason at all. However, it is still incredibly annoying and adds more evidence to my theory that Bella Is A Cunt, We Should Strangle Her.
I would also advise you to actually proofread, and to actually think about what you fucking write. Seriously, "he dazzled my eyes"? It makes no sense. When I read "the smell of his breath made it impossible to think" I do not go, oh my, Edward's breath must smell of rose and jasmine, tralalalala, how pretty. Instead I think, fucking ew, halitosis. I really don't think that was your intention, as we all know vampires are too too-perfect, angelic, and stunning to have bad breath.
And I know that Edward's eyes do change colour (from dark gold to liquid topaz and back again), but I was under the impression that it was a very gradual process. Unless it suddenly sped up for one scene to enable the use of more adjectives, I feel it is my duty to inform you that butterscotch and gold are not the same colour. The same goes for red and orange. Not the same colour. Unless Victoria dyed her hair a different colour in two split seconds, and I didn't notice the half a line containing the description of this bizarre, sudden and out of place behaviour, or Bella is actually colourblind, you have no excuse, and have further proven your Stupidity. The latter would make the most sense. I mean, she did wear navy blue with khaki, thinking it was a good combination that would impress Edward's family with her Mad Fazhon Skillz. I'm hardly a fashion critic, but really, I'm trying to visulise it, and it's making me throw up in my mouth a little. But it might just be Bella's presence in my mind causing that. It's hard to tell, sometimes.
Do you also realise for Bella to know the carpet smelt of shampoo she would've had to get down on her hands and knees and actually sniff the carpet? Perhaps "the room smelled of shampoo" would be a better way to describe it. Or maybe it was Bella's Amazing Sense Of Smell That Transcends That Of Any Human which allowed her to pinpoint the source of an odour in a split second. Please tell me your character is not actually retarded enough to try a spot of carpet-smelling when placed in a life or death situation.
Also note that "'I'm sorry,' I apologised" is not only redundant, stupid, and annoying; it is also, around ninety-nine percent of the time, a sign of Bad Writing. You want proof? You did it. Christopher Paolini did it. At least Paolini didn't rub it in by adding "'I'm sorry,' I apologised again" a few sentences later.
YOU CANNOT SUCK VENOM BACK OUT OF A WOUND AND SAVE A PERSON'S LIFE NDISEFUWHFIEIFIE WIEJFHWEDYWER!!! IT IS NOT POSSIBLE!!! DIEWHIDHWEIE WERIWHEIHRIW ERIW ER!!! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE DIEDIEDEIDIEDIE DIE DIEDIE!!! IT CANNOT HAPPEN, PLEASE JUST STOP. MAYBE TRY PUTTING "REMARKABLY STUPID AND ANNOYING MYTHS THAT HAVE BEEN DISPROVEN MANY TIMES AND IT REALLY PISSES PILLOW OFF WHEN PEOPLE STILL ASSUME THEY ARE TRUE" INTO GOOGLE AND VOILA! EVIDENCE THAT WHAT YOU WRITE IS BULLSHIT.
When Bella's heart literally stopped because Edward kissed her, it was not beautiful or awe-inspiring. It was fucking disturbing, and probably very bad for Bella's health. What was even more disappointing and sickening was when it started again. Please, when she dies, let her stay dead.
Would you please, please tell Carlisle and all the other doctors and nurses in your book that they need to go back to medical school, or at least use wikipedia to get their terms straight. When somebody has a head injury, you do not X-ray their head, you give them a CT scan. I can understand Bella not knowing this, but Dr. Carlisle Cullen certainly would. They are not performed on every patient with a tiny scratch on their head and absolutely no signs of concussion; hospitals aren't really big on wasting time and money. Bella's head injury was clearly not serious, ergo they would most likely not bother with a CT scan. Maybe you don't bother checking your facts. Maybe Bella requested a ridiculously high hospital bill. I don't know. Checking a patient's temperature when they have a head injury has absolutely no merit either ... oh wait. I forgot about the Instant Infections Of Wounds That May Occur In A Split Second, Even When The Skin Has Not Been Broken. And later in the book, when they gave her some reasonably strong painkiller (Morphine? Pethidine?), it sent her straight to sleep. Painkillers do not do that, unless the dosage is too high. I suppose it's always possible the nurse was trying to kill her. She did have good reason.
I also read in the acknowledgements at the back of your book that you actually have an editor. Please fire her immediately.
In conclusion: cock.
Nitpickingly yours,
Pillow.
LOL SORRY ABOUT THAT. ACCIDENTAL WORD VOMITING IS ACCIDENTAL.
2. I finished reading Twatlight \o/. The pain is finally over. I think I may have to write to Smeyer now, just to point out a few things.
Dear Smeyer,
Describing Edward's chest as perfectly-muscled more than once is not required. Describing his voice as musical (on no less than three occasions), velvet (twice), silken, irresistible (twice), velvety, velvet soft, silky, appealing, and "more beautiful than any human's" is also excessive. "Liquid topaz eyes" does not conjure the image you think it does. You could have told us that Edward's face was dazzlingly pretty without informing us that it was perfect (twice), glorious (also twice), stunning, too-perfect, heavenly, seraphic, "flawless features," breathtaking, an "angel's face," ashen, with a "perfect nose," "flawless lips," and "marble lips." If his eyes are described as golden one more time, I will murder you; and no, "dark golden" is not an acceptable replacement. Describing his laughter as musical would have been okay, since it was the only word I noticed you using that referred to his laugh (keep in mind that I started my adjective list part way through the book, and at other times I was often cringing or skimming, so it is only partially complete). Unfortunately, you had already murdered the word with your painful overusage.
I suppose it does make sense to have endless purple description of Edward, since the story is told from Bella's POV, and she is hopelessly obsessed with him for no good reason at all. However, it is still incredibly annoying and adds more evidence to my theory that Bella Is A Cunt, We Should Strangle Her.
I would also advise you to actually proofread, and to actually think about what you fucking write. Seriously, "he dazzled my eyes"? It makes no sense. When I read "the smell of his breath made it impossible to think" I do not go, oh my, Edward's breath must smell of rose and jasmine, tralalalala, how pretty. Instead I think, fucking ew, halitosis. I really don't think that was your intention, as we all know vampires are too too-perfect, angelic, and stunning to have bad breath.
And I know that Edward's eyes do change colour (from dark gold to liquid topaz and back again), but I was under the impression that it was a very gradual process. Unless it suddenly sped up for one scene to enable the use of more adjectives, I feel it is my duty to inform you that butterscotch and gold are not the same colour. The same goes for red and orange. Not the same colour. Unless Victoria dyed her hair a different colour in two split seconds, and I didn't notice the half a line containing the description of this bizarre, sudden and out of place behaviour, or Bella is actually colourblind, you have no excuse, and have further proven your Stupidity. The latter would make the most sense. I mean, she did wear navy blue with khaki, thinking it was a good combination that would impress Edward's family with her Mad Fazhon Skillz. I'm hardly a fashion critic, but really, I'm trying to visulise it, and it's making me throw up in my mouth a little. But it might just be Bella's presence in my mind causing that. It's hard to tell, sometimes.
Do you also realise for Bella to know the carpet smelt of shampoo she would've had to get down on her hands and knees and actually sniff the carpet? Perhaps "the room smelled of shampoo" would be a better way to describe it. Or maybe it was Bella's Amazing Sense Of Smell That Transcends That Of Any Human which allowed her to pinpoint the source of an odour in a split second. Please tell me your character is not actually retarded enough to try a spot of carpet-smelling when placed in a life or death situation.
Also note that "'I'm sorry,' I apologised" is not only redundant, stupid, and annoying; it is also, around ninety-nine percent of the time, a sign of Bad Writing. You want proof? You did it. Christopher Paolini did it. At least Paolini didn't rub it in by adding "'I'm sorry,' I apologised again" a few sentences later.
YOU CANNOT SUCK VENOM BACK OUT OF A WOUND AND SAVE A PERSON'S LIFE NDISEFUWHFIEIFIE WIEJFHWEDYWER!!! IT IS NOT POSSIBLE!!! DIEWHIDHWEIE WERIWHEIHRIW ERIW ER!!! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE DIEDIEDEIDIEDIE DIE DIEDIE!!! IT CANNOT HAPPEN, PLEASE JUST STOP. MAYBE TRY PUTTING "REMARKABLY STUPID AND ANNOYING MYTHS THAT HAVE BEEN DISPROVEN MANY TIMES AND IT REALLY PISSES PILLOW OFF WHEN PEOPLE STILL ASSUME THEY ARE TRUE" INTO GOOGLE AND VOILA! EVIDENCE THAT WHAT YOU WRITE IS BULLSHIT.
When Bella's heart literally stopped because Edward kissed her, it was not beautiful or awe-inspiring. It was fucking disturbing, and probably very bad for Bella's health. What was even more disappointing and sickening was when it started again. Please, when she dies, let her stay dead.
Would you please, please tell Carlisle and all the other doctors and nurses in your book that they need to go back to medical school, or at least use wikipedia to get their terms straight. When somebody has a head injury, you do not X-ray their head, you give them a CT scan. I can understand Bella not knowing this, but Dr. Carlisle Cullen certainly would. They are not performed on every patient with a tiny scratch on their head and absolutely no signs of concussion; hospitals aren't really big on wasting time and money. Bella's head injury was clearly not serious, ergo they would most likely not bother with a CT scan. Maybe you don't bother checking your facts. Maybe Bella requested a ridiculously high hospital bill. I don't know. Checking a patient's temperature when they have a head injury has absolutely no merit either ... oh wait. I forgot about the Instant Infections Of Wounds That May Occur In A Split Second, Even When The Skin Has Not Been Broken. And later in the book, when they gave her some reasonably strong painkiller (Morphine? Pethidine?), it sent her straight to sleep. Painkillers do not do that, unless the dosage is too high. I suppose it's always possible the nurse was trying to kill her. She did have good reason.
I also read in the acknowledgements at the back of your book that you actually have an editor. Please fire her immediately.
In conclusion: cock.
Nitpickingly yours,
Pillow.
LOL SORRY ABOUT THAT. ACCIDENTAL WORD VOMITING IS ACCIDENTAL.