Half Duplex Connection
I don't know which try this is. I've lost track, actually.
Saturday I "complained" about something, and with some pushing found out that I really wasn't imagining it, there really is an issue there. Sunday I found the reason. Since then I've been looking for ways to fix it. But it's not easy to change a 15-year-old behaviour pattern.
I've been running a half duplex connection with people. I know they can feel what I put behind my hugs and my words, but I won't take it from them in the same way. If you take what I give you, maybe you won't go after what I'm keeping to myself. If I don't take it from you then it won't hurt me as much when you turn around and rip me to shreds or subjudicate me to you or give up on me or break me in two or or or....
Anyway, I'm trying to fix it. But I'm not sure how. It still all comes down to a matter of trust, and I'm still not really into trusting anyone. I expect that they won't understand me. I expect that they won't really care or be there when I feel I need them the most. I expect that they're going to talk about me behind my back. I expect that they're going to tear down any accomplishment I have. I expect that they're going to finally end up telling me that I'm worthless and hopeless and of no use to anyone.
And with those expectations it's hard to trust anyone.
If you were in my position, what would you do to learn to trust people? How do you decide to trust someone now? Do you have anyone you really trust? Or do you think it's just not worth it anymore?
Saturday I "complained" about something, and with some pushing found out that I really wasn't imagining it, there really is an issue there. Sunday I found the reason. Since then I've been looking for ways to fix it. But it's not easy to change a 15-year-old behaviour pattern.
I've been running a half duplex connection with people. I know they can feel what I put behind my hugs and my words, but I won't take it from them in the same way. If you take what I give you, maybe you won't go after what I'm keeping to myself. If I don't take it from you then it won't hurt me as much when you turn around and rip me to shreds or subjudicate me to you or give up on me or break me in two or or or....
Anyway, I'm trying to fix it. But I'm not sure how. It still all comes down to a matter of trust, and I'm still not really into trusting anyone. I expect that they won't understand me. I expect that they won't really care or be there when I feel I need them the most. I expect that they're going to talk about me behind my back. I expect that they're going to tear down any accomplishment I have. I expect that they're going to finally end up telling me that I'm worthless and hopeless and of no use to anyone.
And with those expectations it's hard to trust anyone.
If you were in my position, what would you do to learn to trust people? How do you decide to trust someone now? Do you have anyone you really trust? Or do you think it's just not worth it anymore?