See how easy it was to...
I feel like I should be doing a whiskey commercial in Japan.
Yep, that's me. Surrounded by people speaking another language. Seeing things in a different light, because I feel like I'm halfway around the world. No knowledge of the passage of time. Everything just seems... off, like a skipped heartbeat or a pebble in a sandbox. Nothing is completely right anymore.
Just when I think I've solved the problem, something new arises, like an endless cycle of "What am I doing here?" and "What comes next?" The same questions repeat themselves over and over, but they're constantly reinventing themselves because of the ever-changing world. Where I want to be and what I want to be doing is different from one day to the next.
And it seems like those things wouldn't change - if I had a better sense of myself, that is. Every answer reveals a new itch in the back of my head, a strangeness that my curiosity forces me to dive into. Everything in my life needs definition. Well, some things can slide for awhile, if the abstraction is what makes them so amazing. But other things need to be bottled up and classified for me to be okay with them. If it's hoisin sauce, I know that it's hoisin sauce, not something that will sneak up behind me and eat me. Well, that's a bit ridiculous, but you know what I mean. If I understand something, I know its limits, and I can be okay with it.
Some things avoid classification, though. It's not necessarily a bad thing, mind you - it's not always good to assign a longitude and latitude to something when more than one possibility exists. But sometimes, there are So. Many. Possibilities. that it weighs down on me, and I can't function. I... hate not *getting* it. I hate the feeling of being on my own wavelength, far away from the one thing I can't take my mind off of, even if I took a hammer to my head.
If I were suddenly struck with amnesia, I'd still remember this. Not knowing how much it matters, or why it matters. I'd remember the feeling of being in a room with no boundaries, but lacking the map to navigate. And if it ever came true, it would kill me.
Funny how I started talking about one thing and ended up on Mars. How's that for tonight's post?
Time to go work some of that crap off. No sense in going to bed all emo.
Yep, that's me. Surrounded by people speaking another language. Seeing things in a different light, because I feel like I'm halfway around the world. No knowledge of the passage of time. Everything just seems... off, like a skipped heartbeat or a pebble in a sandbox. Nothing is completely right anymore.
Just when I think I've solved the problem, something new arises, like an endless cycle of "What am I doing here?" and "What comes next?" The same questions repeat themselves over and over, but they're constantly reinventing themselves because of the ever-changing world. Where I want to be and what I want to be doing is different from one day to the next.
And it seems like those things wouldn't change - if I had a better sense of myself, that is. Every answer reveals a new itch in the back of my head, a strangeness that my curiosity forces me to dive into. Everything in my life needs definition. Well, some things can slide for awhile, if the abstraction is what makes them so amazing. But other things need to be bottled up and classified for me to be okay with them. If it's hoisin sauce, I know that it's hoisin sauce, not something that will sneak up behind me and eat me. Well, that's a bit ridiculous, but you know what I mean. If I understand something, I know its limits, and I can be okay with it.
Some things avoid classification, though. It's not necessarily a bad thing, mind you - it's not always good to assign a longitude and latitude to something when more than one possibility exists. But sometimes, there are So. Many. Possibilities. that it weighs down on me, and I can't function. I... hate not *getting* it. I hate the feeling of being on my own wavelength, far away from the one thing I can't take my mind off of, even if I took a hammer to my head.
If I were suddenly struck with amnesia, I'd still remember this. Not knowing how much it matters, or why it matters. I'd remember the feeling of being in a room with no boundaries, but lacking the map to navigate. And if it ever came true, it would kill me.
Funny how I started talking about one thing and ended up on Mars. How's that for tonight's post?
Time to go work some of that crap off. No sense in going to bed all emo.