(no subject)

[thepham]

Truth be told, I've been dealing with a lot of stuff lately. I've kept a lot of it under wraps because I'm not great at sharing grief and longing. I've been a shitty girlfriend to Bear this year, and that was one of those things I didn't want to deal with in public. I haven't been very available for him, despite the number of times I've said I would try harder. I've let myself wallow around in grief and longing for things and epople who are long gone. I haven't made a lot of time for the living. I think part of it is because our schedules run to opposites and it is just plain hard for us to make time for each other sometimes, and part of it is that I still and will always feel like I don't deserve his love. He's so unselfish with it, he loves me despite my shortcomings and despite the fact that I've been just not available for him. And part of it is fear. I don't always trust what we have, because it's so good, and my experience is that really good things like that get taken away from you.

I love Bear more than I could ever put into words. I have no idea how to go about making up for the lost months, but somehow, I will.