Emo haters...well...you've been warned.
First of all, I'm sorry it's been a billion trillion years since I've posted. I have a new pretty theme and layout and everything but words to describe the past few weeks and the time to write them have escaped me.
Second, yes it's 2:30am. Yes, I do have an 8:05. No, I don't care right now.
One of the things I've never noticed about spring time, though upon reflection I can see it all the way back through middle school, is that with the flowers that spring up and the litters of wildlife that are suddenly seen all over, so too spring all these relationships. Before you accuse me of being a cynic, don't get me wrong. I like relationships. I'd love to have one. But therein lies my problem. Where does one look for these relationships.
The younger men are almost out of the question. They generally seem too preoccupied with other things to have, try, want a real relationship...much less know what one is. The older ones don't seem to work either. They either think you're too young, want you because you're too young (steer away from those), or fail to notice your existence. There are the guys that hang out at bars and keg parties but where are they? Oh, they're still at the bar or keg parties. Assuming they aren't pushing you into bed. There are the guys that you hang out with everyday. The ones you really truly trust and love but they're like family...how can you risk them? You can look in the past but those men and those moments have either proved themselves to be really bad ideas or have passed all together. So who does that leave? Where does that leave?
If I knew, I'd be in bed asleep. If I knew, I wouldn't worry so much about disappointing my parents by not giving them grandchildren someday...that sounds silly but mother is already dropping hints.... If I knew, I wouldn't launch into a tizzy every time a classmate announced his or her engagement. (Her...her engagement. I've never seen or heard a guy in any of my classes announce that he was engaged...hmm.) If I knew where to find him ,I wouldn't think and worry about things like coming home from a long day of work to an empty house full of stray cats. If I knew, I wouldn't feel my heart break every time I think about the names of the children I may never have. If I knew....
I'm not saying that I want someone right now or that I want to get married and have babies ASAP. I'd just like some reassurance. That I don't have some huge defect. That there is still such a thing in this world as true love. That there is substance and meaning to relationships. That maybe, just maybe, I won't be as alone forever as I felt tonight.
Now, on with this life business of mine...
Second, yes it's 2:30am. Yes, I do have an 8:05. No, I don't care right now.
One of the things I've never noticed about spring time, though upon reflection I can see it all the way back through middle school, is that with the flowers that spring up and the litters of wildlife that are suddenly seen all over, so too spring all these relationships. Before you accuse me of being a cynic, don't get me wrong. I like relationships. I'd love to have one. But therein lies my problem. Where does one look for these relationships.
The younger men are almost out of the question. They generally seem too preoccupied with other things to have, try, want a real relationship...much less know what one is. The older ones don't seem to work either. They either think you're too young, want you because you're too young (steer away from those), or fail to notice your existence. There are the guys that hang out at bars and keg parties but where are they? Oh, they're still at the bar or keg parties. Assuming they aren't pushing you into bed. There are the guys that you hang out with everyday. The ones you really truly trust and love but they're like family...how can you risk them? You can look in the past but those men and those moments have either proved themselves to be really bad ideas or have passed all together. So who does that leave? Where does that leave?
If I knew, I'd be in bed asleep. If I knew, I wouldn't worry so much about disappointing my parents by not giving them grandchildren someday...that sounds silly but mother is already dropping hints.... If I knew, I wouldn't launch into a tizzy every time a classmate announced his or her engagement. (Her...her engagement. I've never seen or heard a guy in any of my classes announce that he was engaged...hmm.) If I knew where to find him ,I wouldn't think and worry about things like coming home from a long day of work to an empty house full of stray cats. If I knew, I wouldn't feel my heart break every time I think about the names of the children I may never have. If I knew....
I'm not saying that I want someone right now or that I want to get married and have babies ASAP. I'd just like some reassurance. That I don't have some huge defect. That there is still such a thing in this world as true love. That there is substance and meaning to relationships. That maybe, just maybe, I won't be as alone forever as I felt tonight.
Now, on with this life business of mine...