Vive Ut Vivas
Title: vive ut vivas (Live so that you can live)
Pairing: sehun x baekhyun
Rating: NC-17
Warning: mentions of self-harm, mentions of sex, attempted suicide
The next time Baekhyun saw Sehun again was when he paid Chanyeol a rare visit at the club.
He’s clad in his dark jeans, black leather jacket over his black tank and unsurprisingly, so was Sehun. Baekhyun remembered little details from when he had seen Sehun constantly, of how they dressed similarly, shared almost the same interests, and sadly, have no directions to go. The younger male was sucking onto the straw of his bottle of Coke when Baekhyun first spotted him, forgetting why he was even there to begin with. Sehun hadn’t noticed him amongst the crowd, so he took the little time studying the boy from afar.
From the low cut of Sehun’s tank, Baekhyun could see the dark lines of a masterpiece, spreading from his arm and Baekhyun knows this because he was there when Sehun got shirtless and held his arm out while his other hand gripped at Baekhyun’s thigh; he was there and he saw the pain that was constantly flashing across Sehun’s features, he was there because he had been the one imprinting his very own masterpiece onto Sehun’s pale skin.
The memory of that night ignites a kind of familiar spark at the pit of his stomach, and the thought of tracing his fingers over each intricate line that marked Sehun’s arm excites him.
He couldn’t actually remember when he last saw Sehun, just that it had been quite a while, and he shouldn’t care but when they locked eyes over bottles of coke and an ocean of bodies, Baekhyun couldn’t help the slight smirk that tugged at the corner of his lips.
It sure was a pleasure to see Sehun again.
“Vive ut vivas.”
“Vive ut vivas?”
A nod, “It means ‘live -”
Baekhyun rolled his eyes when he snapped, “I know what it means.”
Sehun glared at him for raising his voice but soon the younger shrugged his shoulders and fidgeted to get comfortable as he lay on the couch, chest exposed for Baekhyun to see. It wasn’t something Baekhyun hasn’t seen before (in fact he had seen it one time too many), yet every time Sehun gets rid of his shirt Baekhyun found himself staring. Not just at those broad shoulders and toned stomach or where his happy trail began and hides underneath his jeans, but also at the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes, the starting lines of the ink that painted his arm, the string of thoughts that haunted Baekhyun put into words and marking Sehun’s skin, on different parts of his body and Baekhyun almost felt guilty. Almost.
“Funny,” Baekhyun scoffed, ignoring the way his stomach fluttered.
“What is?”
“Those words, coming from someone who talks about death more times than he actually breathes,” He chuckled humorlessly, tightening his gloved fingers onto the grip of the tattoo machine, biting down on his bottom lip. “Where do you want it?”
Sehun took about a minute to think, staring up at the ceiling as if he could find the answers there. He always takes more time than necessary when deciding where his next print should be and somehow Baekhyun understands because he knew Sehun has no plans on getting rid of these inks from his skin. After about two minutes of thinking, the younger boy glanced at Baekhyun before closing his eyes, seemingly used to the pain of getting needled.
“Put it where you think it should be.” He said calmingly, although Baekhyun could already feel Sehun’s fingers grasping at his thigh.
It was Baekhyun’s turn to think as he once again raked his eyes through the expanse of Sehun’s naked top, catching the word ‘lost’ on his rib, ‘caged’ just above his hipbone and other patterns and words. It was surprising Baekhyun could still see the original color of Sehun’s skin - but he intended not to cover it all for personal satisfaction. His eyes caught the protruding collarbones Sehun has, deciding to ink the words right on his chest which was (surprisingly, again) still clean. He warned Sehun to be ready and when he deemed that Sehun is really prepared, he began his work onto Sehun’s chest.
Since the sentence was short, it didn’t take very long and Sehun had showed less pain than he had during their previous “meeting”, which had been a massive pair of wings that now decorates his shoulder blades. As Baekhyun wiped off the reddened skin, he caught a glimpse of his name inked onto Sehun’s skin, the juncture where his neck meets his shoulders. A smile curled at his lips, tracing a finger over the name as he remembered the night he had imprinted it onto Sehun. They were a thing back then and even though he knew that they weren’t anything close to serious, he also knew that Sehun’s body is like his very own canvas.
As expected, it didn’t work out. Baekhyun couldn’t remember what pulled them apart and sent them separate ways but it hadn’t hurt. Nothing could have hurt more than he had gone through in the past. One day Sehun was here, on his couch and shirtless, raw from getting inked and the next day he stopped coming and they stopped calling and it was as if they had never met, until they locked eyes again in the club.
There were no explanations given or needed as Sehun began his constant visit once again. Only this time they only lacked the make out sessions and those times spent in bed because if they were a thing before, they were nothing now. But Sehun kept coming back, each time for a new ink and sometimes just for a silent night of watching the TV. It became a routine and after almost three months of this procedure, Baekhyun was already used to it.
Now, as he continued to caress his name on Sehun’s skin, he could feel something bubbling up in his stomach, some kind of victory and ownership over the younger male and marking him his. Sehun stayed silent and he kept his eyes closed, looking almost as if he was asleep from Baekhyun’s touches. Baekhyun guessed Sehun’s just taking a few minutes calming down, knew that even though he’s used to the needle, every time it marks him the pain is fresh. Baekhyun wouldn’t know how it feels; he’s clean from head to know despite his love for these prints. He’s more of the artist than the client; though the only person he’d ever marked was Sehun and he had a feeling it will only be Sehun.
When Sehun opened his eyes again, their gazes locked and Baekhyun looked away first. He wore a smug grin as he eyed the new words on Sehun’s chest, proud of his work. “Live so that you can live. It doesn’t make sense for you to want it but I must say I did a great job.”
“When have you never done a good job?” Sehun rolled his eyes, getting up into a sitting position and taking the mirror Baekhyun handed to him to look at the new ink. His grin was slightly maniacal. “Wanna know why I chose this?”
Baekhyun shrugged his shoulder, raising a brow as he watched Sehun closely. “You’ve found the reason to live?”
The younger was silent for a second or two, finger gingerly tracing over the words. “I may have found the reason for a while. But that’s not it. I still think dying should be the best way to end everything. Why be alive and miserable when you can -”
“- be dead and smiling?” Baekhyun grinned as he finished the sentence; he’d heard Sehun say it almost every time they end up on this very couch, watching a crappy TV show on screen and getting high on a pot of weed.
There’s a pang of jealousy that hits him for that brief second, envious that Sehun had actually found a reason and he would be left alone all over again. He knew it would happen, he should be used to it by now, yet every time it happens, Baekhyun couldn’t help that crack in whatever was left of his heart. He wished he could turn it off. But not all wishes come true.
Sehun was smiling, wincing slightly when his fingers accidently brush over the fresh cuts of the needle. He signaled to Baekhyun in a way of saying that he was ready to get it covered up for a few days and Baekhyun did it in silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable but Baekhyun was suddenly too aware of Sehun’s breath against his cheek, eyes unable to stop from latching themselves onto the curves of his name on Sehun’s neck. His fingers are itching and his lips parted, desperate to get a taste; he’d forgotten how soft Sehun’s skin felt against his lips.
He surprisingly managed to hold back his urges, taking off the gloves he was wearing once he was done with Sehun. The younger boy pulled his shirt back on and Baekhyun had to bite back the disappointment. He did, however, catch a glimpse of a sentence he didn’t remember marking on Sehun before, a string of words in a tiny marking that read ‘Not all those who wander are lost’ just underneath the barcode he had drawn on the nape of Sehun’s neck from one of the first few nights since they met.
“I didn’t do this,” He broke the silence, a hand going up to touch the skin. There’s a frown on his forehead and he hates that he was letting it bother him.
Sehun’s smiling again as if it’s normal and perhaps it is, perhaps Baekhyun was delusional to think that Sehun would only let him mark his body. “Oh, I got that from when we stopped seeing each other. Cost me nearly fifty bucks but no regrets. I actually kinda like it.”
Something snapped in Baekhyun’s head, like putting together two puzzle pieces and forming a clearer picture. He pulled his hand back, keeping them busy with packing the equipment into a bag while he ignores the weight on his chest. Fucking emotions.“Ah, cool. Let me guess; the reason to why you should live? Why didn’t you get this one done at the shop then?”
The brown haired male was looking at Baekhyun weird and for moment, he was afraid that Sehun had noticed the change in his tone of voice. But then Sehun is laughing, leaning back against the couch, speaking as if it was a stupid question. “Because it’s free? She charged me forty-five bucks, man. But the extra service was free so I guess it’s worth it?”
There was no need to question what extra service Sehun was speaking of, Baekhyun knew. He faked a laugh, hating the pang in his chest before he joined Sehun on the couch. “Maybe I should charge you. Nothing’s free, you know? I could make it a living.”
Sehun rolled his eyes, a teasing grin playing at his lips. “Will you charge me when we bang after?”
The question earned him a smack upside the head and he laughed as Baekhyun got off the couch to grab them both a bottle of beer, only one left in the fridge.
They ended up sharing it, Baekhyun’s legs resting over Sehun’s thighs as the same crappy show they kept watching started on TV. Another night of silence, another night slightly tipsy from the alcohol. It did help Baekhyun put his unwanted feelings at the back of his mind. He needed that more than anything else.
He had never known how it would feel like to be loved, wanted, needed. Sure, he had parents, a family, friends, people who in any other story would love him. But his parents loved his brother, his family never considered him as one and his friends were never there. He’s only had his grandmother who actually cared but she only stayed for the first decade of his life. For a very long time, Baekhyun longed to be held, craved the affection his parents granted his brother with and wished that someone would love him the way he sees people being loved.
For a very long time, they never came.
He had stopped longing for something he never had, stopped craving for something he would never get and stopped wishing for something he would never feel. He had grown numb, like an ice during the winter freezing his heart and needed more than just the heat of summer to melt it. But numb is fearsome, and for a very long time, Baekhyun was afraid. His fear of having no emotions had him resorting to pain, physical ones that would heal in time.
Emotional scars, he learned, never leaves.
Because even when his cheek hurt from his father’s fist, his back stung from the caning his mother gave, it was his broken heart that left him crying in the middle of the night. It was his broken heart that brought up so many questions he couldn’t find the answer to. He had spent so many nights for a very, very long time trying to understand why. Why couldn’t they love him like they loved his brother? Why couldn’t they watch him graduate like they cried when his brother went up to the podium for his speech? Why, why, why?
When he finally understood why, understood that he could never be good enough, Baekhyun decided that he didn’t need to try anymore. He was so used to being left behind, unwanted, not needed and cast aside like a piece of trash that’s not worth a glance. He was so used to it that when Sehun first held him in his arms, Baekhyun swore he was close to tears. The feeling was so foreign, so alien to him for he had never been held, had never been kissed and even though Sehun made it clear that they were nothing more than two troubled souls seeking company in each other, he unknowingly cherished every second that Sehun held him.
Sehun, unlike many others, didn’t leave. He stayed for almost two years; the longest Baekhyun has had someone to keep close until he suddenly stopped coming. Baekhyun had been prepared and he was grateful that Sehun hadn’t stayed long enough for him to believe that something, somehow, would change. He did spend many nights after that wondering what had gone wrong, until he realized that nothing had been right since the beginning.
He also realized that Sehun seemed hesitant, afraid even, after a night spent making love (a change from their nightly routine that would have had Baekhyun bent against the couch). Sehun had looked almost soft on the inside and perhaps he was afraid, but so was Baekhyun.
He seems weak in comparison to what Sehun had gone through. He couldn’t imagine standing in Sehun’s shoes even for a second. He learnt from a night high on weed and head heavy with alcohol that Sehun has had it worse than him. He couldn’t bring himself to compare a childhood without the love of his parents to one having to spend every torturing night with the images of a brutal murder. He couldn’t bring himself to imagine being right there and watching his parents sliced and killed. He wondered how Sehun is still here.
It was nothing funny but Sehun had been laughing when he told Baekhyun about what happened to his parents in detail, describing it almost perfectly and Baekhyun could tell just how many times the memory had played in his head. He could tell how emotionally damaged Sehun was because he was laughing and not crying, could see that he wasn’t that terribly off the edge because he still cries at night for something he had lost a long time ago.
Later that night, Sehun did cry, face buried into Baekhyun’s clothed shoulder and reeking of alcohol and telling him that he had never wished for anything like this, that he had never wanted a life so harsh and that fate is cruel and we will all die anyway. Maybe Baekhyun had cried too, but he couldn’t remember every second of that night except that it had felt good to hold Sehun in his arms, it had felt good to have Sehun leaning on him as he cried.
And when Sehun disappeared, Baekhyun wasn’t hurt. He had been prepared all along and they were never in love to begin with. It had only felt a little emptier when he woke up alone in a bed too small for two, when he got up to make coffee for one and when he returned home with the TV off and no one on the couch just waiting to get inked. Because two years was a long time, long enough for him to get used to, but he had learned that change comes quickly.
He only realized that he had missed Sehun when they met again at the club.
It had felt good to find something that’s been missing for a while.
Then Sehun kept coming again for the next three months; he kept coming and Baekhyun was ready for the day he would disappear again but Sehun would always be there. He found that he could laugh and it felt good to laugh when Sehun is around. They would drink and get drunk and smoke and wake up with the worst hangover each time and when Sehun leaves (because apparently he has a home), Baekhyun would find himself curled against the door of his room and those questions would come up again until he cries of frustration and hate and believing that he could never be good enough. It hurt like a fresh new cut and at times he wondered if he would ever be free from these thoughts and self-loathe.
He knew he should learn to love himself; he’d seen the message everywhere from those who thought they understood people like him. Yet with every swipe of the knife across his wrist, he could only wish that he was born a better kid, that he had been a better person so his parents would be proud. But he was not good enough and he never would be.
Physical pain was greatly welcomed, for he can never endure the wounds inside.
Baekhyun winced at the sting that came with the fresh cut on his wrist, watching as blood ooze out from the wound but not too much to kill him. His breathing was ragged from the pain but he welcomed it, even though his face felt swollen from last night’s series of self-loathing and crying himself to sleep. The cut on his wrist felt like a release and as he threw his head back to rest against the wall, Baekhyun’s breathing finally calmed down.
He barely jumped when the front door opened and Sehun stepped through it, his own face reddened and swollen from what Baekhyun knew was a night’s worth of tears; he knew because that was exactly how he looked like the last time he looked into a mirror. Sehun’s bloodshot eyes flickered from the empty bottles of beer that scattered on the floor next to Baekhyun to the penknife in his hand, the dirtied cigarette bowl in front of him and the bleeding wound on his left wrist. Sehun didn’t flinch as he moved to take a seat.
The taller boy sniffled once he’s settled down against the wall next to Baekhyun, grabbing a half empty bottle and chugging the rest of it down his throat. In the silence that followed, Sehun fished out a handkerchief Baekhyun didn’t know he kept from inside his jeans pocket, silently taking a hold of Baekhyun’s wrist to tie the piece of cloth around the wound to stop the bleeding. Baekhyun didn’t protest, couldn’t feel anything from the numbness smoking pot had given him. He could only watch as Sehun lighted up the cig in between his lips, taking a long drag of it and sniffling again when he pulled it out. He watched again as Sehun continued to smoke, lips curling into a smile.
“It’s funny, isn’t it?” Sehun broke the silence, smoke leaving his lips and fading into the air as his gaze stared emptily into space. Baekhyun stayed silent as Sehun continued. “They say life is beautiful, that even though it’s short, it’s still full of wonders. Yet all it does to us was give us pain and take everything that we’ve ever loved away from us. Life is cruel. They’ve misinterpreted what life could be; maybe beautiful for some but what about the others? What about people like us? We were never meant to be remembered.”
Baekhyun listened to every single word that Sehun uttered, tried to understand each meaning and found that it was true, that Sehun was right. We were never meant to be remembered. They fell into another silence, in which Baekhyun stared at the cloth tied around his wrist and Sehun light up another stick. When Sehun spoke again, Baekhyun’s too tired to respond.
The younger male once again grabbed gently at his left arm, thumb absently caressing over the covered wound. “It wouldn’t help, you know?” Sehun whispered, and Baekhyun swore he saw a tear fall, dissolving into the cloth that wrapped his wrist. “I know because… I know that it feels amazing, I know the craving to feel something that’s outside and not inside. But it wouldn’t help. It will keep coming back, hyung. It will keep coming back until you cut deeper and deeper until there is no more you.”
When Baekhyun finally spoke, his voice was hoarse from crying and lack of use. “Are you going to do it, then? Since that is the only thing we could do, will you do it?”
Sehun looked up at him, letting go of his hand and wiping at his cheeks. “No, not yet anyway.”
“Why? Because you’ve found the reason to live?” Baekhyun didn’t know where this was coming from, but he was suddenly angry and he wanted to be alone. “Well, if you don’t know, I haven’t and I don’t think I ever will.”
“Am I not reason enough for you to stay?” Sehun asked, causing the bubble of humorless laughter that ripped through Baekhyun’s chest as he threw his head back and clutched at his stomach. He laughed for a good one minute and Sehun only watched, confused.
“Who are we to each other, Sehun? Nothing more than two troubled souls seeking company in each other, as you put it. I am not your reason and you are not mine. We’re not together, we’re only alone together. We’re hopeless. We’re hopeless.” He said, voice shaking from the tears that threatened to spill but he also wanted to laugh.
For the briefest of moments, Sehun looked hurt but he quickly regained his stoic expression as he continued to sit there in silence. They sat in the comfort of each other’s presence, the anger that had built up Baekhyun’s spine dissipating like the smoke that escaped Sehun’s lips. His left arm felt tired, dead and he left it be as he continued to take a swing of the beer using his good arm. They stayed like that until the sun set and rose again.
The next time Sehun came around was nearly two weeks later, busted lip and swelling cheekbone and barging in through the front door as if he owned the place just before he pushed Baekhyun up against the wall, lips crashing and hands grabbing and twisting and pulling at clothes and hair and skin. It was a wonder why Baekhyun hadn’t pushed him away just as soon as his back connects with the hard of his wall, choosing instead to kiss Sehun back as if they were something, something more than just two wandering souls.
He did stop the kiss however, just as soon as Sehun managed to throw off his leather jacket to the side, panting against each other’s lips and nails gripping onto Baekhyun’s skin it almost hurt. It was his harsh grip onto Sehun’s forearms that stopped Sehun from capturing his lips once again, breathing hard and bodies pressed too close. They stayed that way for a full minute, just calming down their breaths and eyeing each other’s pink and now swollen brims.
Baekhyun’s tempted to move, another inch would press their lips together again. But he doesn’t as he leaned in to breathe into Sehun’s ear, suddenly feeling bold and hot around the collar. He trailed his hands down Sehun’s sides, reaching down to sneak his fingers into the back pockets of Sehun’s jeans and grabbing the rounds of Sehun’s jeans-clad rear. He could feel a smirk tug at the corner of his lips when he heard the hitch in Sehun’s breath, breathing into the taller’s ear and squeezing.
He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been fantasizing the younger boy over the last two weeks. He wasn’t sure how it began but it escalated quickly. It’s rather odd considering the fact that they had spent almost four months together without any inappropriate touching, without any need to release this kind of tension. Perhaps it was when Sehun was silently taking care of his wound; he couldn’t really give a damn. He’s hot and his fingers are itching and his lips are craving and there’s heat pooling at the bottom of his stomach. He wants Sehun, wants to rake his nails into Sehun’s skin and scream Sehun’s name. So it doesn’t actually make sense to him why he was the one pushing Sehun away.
The groan that left Sehun’s lips hit Baekhyun like a cold breeze, shivering at the low sound that crawled up his spine. Sehun cursed almost silently, lips swollen and eyes hooded and Baekhyun thinks he’d never seen anything so tempting before. “What did you think you were doing? Kissing me like that like that’s okay? I’m not your fucking boy toy.”
Sehun looked guilty for a second, muttering a quiet apology before flopping down onto the couch. Baekhyun couldn’t help the slight disappointment that weighed him down, biting onto his bottom lip and choosing to ignore the feeling as he went to grab them a couple bottles of beer. He had a nagging feeling to ask where Sehun had been for the past two weeks, or what had happened to cause that busted lip. But he doesn’t want to nose in someone else’s business like how he pretty much screamed it at Sehun’s face the last time they saw each other.
As always, they drank in silence while some other equally crappy TV show played on the screen until Baekhyun got up and told Sehun he wanted to add a little something onto his many artworks on Sehun’s body. Sehun only nodded, pulling his shirt off and getting ready to face the needle once again. And as always, Sehun didn’t question him as he began his work, curving an apostrophe just after the ‘n’ of his name before adding an‘s’, resulting a completed curvy‘Baekhyun’s’. He’s satisfied when he finished, grinning smugly as he wiped the skin.
Sehun wasn’t lying on the couch this time, just seated on it with Baekhyun next to him. After he kept the things into the bag, Baekhyun leaned back to trace a finger over his name, the silence edging him on to lean into Sehun instead. He admits that he wasn’t thinking clearly, blaming the effect of the alcohol that he was acting such way. But suddenly Sehun smells too good for him to resist, looks too appealing for him to let go. And he’s so, so, tempted.
He breathed out against Sehun’s skin, causing the younger boy to visibly shudder at the sensation. Baekhyun thinks he shouldn’t be doing it, but it was the alcohol that was controlling him, convincing him that they’ve been something before and that this wouldn’t even matter when he wakes up in the morning. Sehun would be gone anyway. So he listened to that inner voice, and he closed the distance between them, latching his lips onto the skin with his name on it.
It started with just a brush of lips against skin, but as his lips parted he began sucking red marks onto it, fingers clutching at Sehun’s toned stomach. The moans spilling past Sehun’s lips were sinful and soon Baekhyun found himself straddling Sehun’s thighs, lips crashing against lips and they were back to full on make out much like what they were doing when Sehun came earlier. He’s afraid of something he had no idea of but he lets the alcohol do the work, convincing himself even as he lay in bed, breathless and Sehun already drifted off to sleep, that he wouldn’t regret this. That even if Sehun leaves again, he would be okay. At least, as okay as he had ever been in his entire life.
But when Sehun wasn’t beside him when he woke up, Baekhyun hated himself even more.
For another two weeks, Sehun was a no show. Baekhyun found that for every night of those two weeks, he fell asleep in tears and woke up with another cut. He skipped work most days and thanked Jongin for covering him. He wished he would be given night shift instead but Chanyeol needed the slot and Kyungsoo’s the boss and the boss has a little thing for Chanyeol, so it wouldn’t even worth a try to ask again. Nothing is fair, after all.
He’s run out of beer so the torturous nights were only spent with intensified feelings. It hurts more now without the lace of alcohol; he could feel so much more and he hated it. In the silence of his empty home, Baekhyun thought about his brother, so fortunate and loved and praised by everyone he’s ever known. And he thought about himself, the complete opposite of his brother no matter how much he tried. He thought about his parents and wondered if they’re worried about how he is doing, wondered if they ever thought about him since he left.
He wondered if they would be sad if he was to be gone forever.
When Sehun came again, Baekhyun couldn’t find the energy to be angry, so he lets the younger male come in with two bottles of beer as if he knew Baekhyun had run out of it, he lets Sehun sit next to him and light up two sticks of cig, one for himself and another for Baekhyun. Like the other day, they sat there in silence and filling the room with smoke, as and when taking a swing from the bottle. Baekhyun shivered with the pleasure the taste of the alcohol granted him with, and he found himself smiling because he had missed it. He had missed this. But Sehun doesn’t have to know that.
Sehun’s with another busted lip, the wound on his lower one fresh and new. His left arm stayed unmoving on his abdomen and he only used his right arm to lift up the bottle, or after he takes a drag of the cig to flick the ash into the ashtray. Baekhyun didn’t realize he had been staring at the younger boy in the silence that blanketed them, watching how Sehun’s Adam’s apple bob up and down his throat, studying the curve of Sehun’s jawline and smiling at howbeautiful Sehun looked, even with his red-rimmed eyes and bed hair.
He frowned when Sehun winced after accidentally moving his left arm and he took almost two minutes trying to calm down from his suddenly ragged breathing, in which he had his eyes closed. Baekhyun was finally able to put two and two together, and figured Sehun must have a broken arm. He got up to get the winter scarf his grandmother had given him for his tenth birthday, returning to Sehun’s side to silently and carefully bind the scarf to hold up Sehun’s bad arm to his neck. Sehun winced each time his arm had to move, but he made no protest to stop Baekhyun, half-lidded eyes gazing at the older for some time after that.
“You’ve been getting into fights a lot lately, Sehun.” It wasn’t a question but Baekhyun expected a response anyway.
Sehun only flashed him a smirk, the corner of his lips tugging upwards before he inhaled a deep breath and sat up against the wall. “They had baseball bats and broken glass bottles and they could have used them but they used their bloody hands instead.” He winced once, shifting his arm to get comfortable with the position.
Something clicked in Baekhyun’s head, an answer to the question he had wanted to ask. “You want them to get you killed.”
The smile that curled onto Sehun’s lips looked almost sad, even though he attempted for it to come out cynical, ignorant but Baekhyun could see through like clear glass. The younger was silent for a long time before he finally spoke, voice cracking. “I couldn’t do it on my own. I’m… scared, actually. I’m afraid of dying but I couldn’t - I can’t keep on living every day with nothing to live for. I thought I’ve found the reason to, but it’s not counted when the feelings aren’t returned. And I can’t wait to go. I want to go. They say you’ll meet the people you’ve lost when it’s your turn.”
“They all say that, don’t they?” Baekhyun said, settling down next to Sehun. “They say it’s called heaven, but you forget that they also say heaven was made for good people. We’re not, Sehun. We’re not good. We won’t be going there. We’ll end up somewhere else.”
What he said seemed to have stunned Sehun, the younger male blinking rapidly before he, for the first time since they met at the club again, bursts into a sobbing mess. It felt as though he had stolen candy from a child, the guilt was there but he wouldn’t take back what he said. Sehun was wiping fiercely at his cheeks with one hand but failed to control his sobbing and naturally, Baekhyun pulled the younger into his arms and let Sehun cry into his shoulder, the scene reminding him of the night Sehun had first told him about his parents. He could feel a tug at his heart, a kind of weight that rests heavy on his chest as he gingerly runs a hand down Sehun’s back. He wants to say something but his voice wouldn’t come, lips wouldn’t move.
So he stayed silent as Sehun continued to cry and was surprised to find that his eyes were dry by the time Sehun fell asleep on his shoulder.
It’s a thoughtless decision, something he should have hesitated doing but like instinct, he only followed. He couldn’t remember exactly making his way there, couldn’t believe he actually remembered the place even. He shouldn’t feel like an outcast, shouldn’t hesitate ever knocking on the door because this was supposed to be his home. This was the place he had grown up in, yet stepping through the threshold only made Baekhyun wish he hadn’t.
He first saw a family, of laughing grandparents and giggling children. There was that weight again on his chest, something weighing him down and making it hard to breathe. He recognized the woman who snapped her head up just as soon as he intruded, eyes glazing with a kind of hatred that was obvious. Her husband did the same, choosing then to refuse to look at Baekhyun as if acknowledging him would be a sin. He thinks he shouldn’t be greeted with these expressions since they were his parents, but he should have expected it.
Baekhyun couldn’t remember receiving any wedding invitations, but seeing that there was a young boy and an even younger girl, another lady seated for dinner as well, Baekhyun guessed his brother must have gotten married. It felt as though he was a stranger, barging in a peaceful family dinner that he was supposedly to be a part of. They didn’t even have a chair left for him. They never wondered about him. They never cared.
“Did you come to borrow money?” His brother, JoonMyeon, asked, having been the one who let him in but speaking smugly as he went back to his seat amongst the others, leaving Baekhyun to stand there and watch. “We have money; just tell us how much you need.”
Baekhyun fisted his hands at his sides, nostrils flaring from the sudden anger his brother’s assumption had caused. He was afraid he would cry, humiliated by his own family and belittled as if they were strangers to each other. He stared after his father, who focused instead on his food then at his mother, who wore an annoyed expression. What was he thinking ever coming here? This is not his home. This was never his home.
His fingers were trembling when he left the mansion, and he could no longer think. The sun had set and night finally came. He’s tired of feeling wasted, tired of being unwanted, had enough of crying himself to sleep every night. He wants to be free and he’s going to set himself free. They say no one can change anything about you but yourself. They were right.
Thunder roared and lightning lit up the night sky in quick flashes, a sign of rain coming soon. Baekhyun headed straight up to the rooftop of his apartment building instead of his unit, running up the stairs without taking a pause to think or to breathe because he was so angry, and he was so alone. He just wants to be free. Tonight he will be free.
We were never meant to be remembered.
Didn’t Sehun say that once? Hasn’t Sehun been the one speaking of death and ending the misery that has been thrown upon them? He couldn’t help but wish Sehun would come with him and then they both would be free.
We were never meant to be remembered.
The words echoed in his head like a mantra, repeating over and over again as he ran up the stairs. Rain had poured heavily outside, its pounding drowning out the sounds of his own breathing, his own footsteps. He’s close to getting there; just a few steps would take him up to the rooftop. He was so close to freedom, and it doesn’t matter that he was breathless.
We were never meant to be remembered.
It’s pouring outside when he opened the door, not hesitating when he took a step forward and into the rain. He was already drenched in less than a minute, and it seemed to have triggered his emotions because that was when he cried. His chest hurt and he couldn’t see anything beyond this point. He couldn’t imagine a future and what it would consist of. His heart was beating hard against his chest and his tears had mingled with the rain water.
The images of his childhood replayed in his head, a memory of scarred skin and tearful cries that nobody could hear. He wondered what he had ever done to deserve such lack of love and he wondered if he could have done something to change it. But he was useless, he always had been, and there was just no need for him to be. What would he be here for? Who would want to keep him around? He had absolutely no one and there is no reason. No reason at all.
He made careful steps towards the edge; every single second spent sobbing as he continued to wonder, continued to wish for something different. Behind closed lids he could only see his parents’ eyes, staring him down as if they regretted ever bringing him into this world. He wished they hadn’t, wished he was spared from the cruelty of being alive. He wants to be gone and the only way seemed to be the hardest. Yet all he could think of was this decision he had made the moment he stepped into the rain. He was going to end it all.
Once he reached the edge of the rooftop, Baekhyun had managed to calm his breathing, closing his eyes and stepping onto the ledge. It’s ten stories high and if he lifts a foot and jump, he wouldn’t make it down alive. He thought about his friends, Chanyeol and Jongin and even Kyungsoo, who had never liked him. He thought about Sehun and sent a silent apology that he couldn’t bring him along. Somehow the thought of the younger brought on more tears and he remembered every moment he spent with Sehun, realized that Sehun was the only person who had understood, who had stayed longer than anyone else.
But he had to go.
He lifted a foot off the ledge, keeping his eyes closed and was a second away from letting himself fall when he felt himself being pulled back, arms winding around his waist and letting him fall onto the ground behind. His heart raced against his chest, opening his eyes only to find Sehun two meters away, drenched in rain and panting.
“What the fuck did you think you were doing?!” Sehun yelled at him, pointing an accusing finger.
Baekhyun’s suddenly angry, scrambling up to his feet and yelling right back at the younger so he could be heard through the storm. “I’m going to end this, Sehun! Just like you said. I’m going to be free. Why the fuck did you stop me?!”
“Are you fucking crazy?!”
“Yes, I am! I’m going to jump and you can’t stop me!” He made a move to get on the ledge again but Sehun grabbed at his wrist, stopping him yet again.
Sehun was close to tears, Baekhyun could tell despite both their faces dripping with rain and it was impossible to see clearly. He lets go of Baekhyun’s hand and raised both of his as if in surrender. “Don’t jump. Just please - don’t jump.”
“Why not?” Baekhyun exclaimed, sobbing yet again. “Didn’t you want this too? Don’t you want to go? You won’t be alone so come with me.”
The taller boy shook his head furiously, licking at his lips for no reason since they were already wet. “No, no, hyung. If I could choose between dying with you and living with you, I’d choose to be alive than dead. Because I’d have you and we can live for each other, if we’re all that we have left.”
Baekhyun wanted to laugh; his feelings were all over the place and his chest hurt and now his head was beginning to throb. His chuckle came out a choked sob, lips trembling and forming into a frown. “Why would you live for me?”
“Because I love you. I am in love with you.” Sehun’s own reply was another choked sob.
The words elicited a soft gasp out of Baekhyun, one that he was sure Sehun hadn’t heard. It felt as though his heart had stopped beating, and he doesn’t know if it was a good thing or bad. He doesn’t know if that was a lie or the truth, doesn’t know if he should believe or ignore. He’s afraid. “No, you don’t. You aren’t.” He finally spoke.
Sehun took a step closer, gingerly, carefully, afraid that Baekhyun would make a move. “I do, Baekhyun. I amin love with you. I have been for a while.”
But Baekhyun refused to believe, shaking his head much like Sehun had done. It was too good to be true. “You don’t know love, Sehun!”
“I do know love!” Sehun’s voice raised beyond his, beyond the thunder that roared and the rain that poured onto them and Baekhyun flinched. “If anyone was to know love, it’s me, hyung. I have known love and I have known lost. It’s you who don’t because you’ve never been given the chance to.”
Baekhyun was crying again by then, dropping onto his knees and sobbing into his hands. His head was hazy with too much thinking and he’s tired. He’s so, so, tired. “I’m scared, Sehun.”
“I’m scared, too.” Sehun sobbed, crouching down next to Baekhyun and wrapping his arms around the older. His hold was warm despite the rain and growing tighter and Baekhyun thinks if he ever lets go, he would be lost forever. “I am very afraid. I have loved so much but every time I do, they get taken away from me. I don’t want it to happen again. I want to love you and be able to keep you with me. I want to make you happier. But I’m scared they’d take you away from me too. I can’t have that, hyung. I can’t.”
Baekhyun’s chest hurt, heavy and he just wanted to sleep. He doesn’t when his tears had stopped, didn’t realize he was gripping too hard onto Sehun’s arms. They were silent for a long time until the rain slowed down and stopped completely, warm in each other’s arms yet still wounded emotionally. When Baekhyun spoke again, his voice was hoarse. “But I’m hopeless, Sehun. There is no reason for you to love me.”
“Love needs no reason, my mother used to say. And maybe she’s right, I’m not completely sure.” Sehun lets out a humorless chuckle, not loosening his hold around Baekhyun. “I don’t expect you to feel the same way, hyung, because I’m just as hopeless. But I’m going to be here until you’re okay again, until you smile again, and then I’ll make you tell me whether I should go or stay.”
The older took a moment to think, lips pressed onto Sehun’s clothed shoulder and eyes gazing off at the building next to the one they were on. The lights were off from the windows and he knew it was late; half of the world had gone to sleep. He’s quiet when he spoke, but then again the whole town had gone silent. “Do you believe we will ever be okay?”
“No,” Sehun replied almost immediately and Baekhyun closed his eyes at the feel of Sehun’s lips that kissed his hair. It raised the hairs on his arms and something swelled in his chest; he couldn’t remember ever being held like this. “But anything could happen, right?”
Anything could happen.
Baekhyun took almost two months to recover from his breakdown. He spent most of his time at work, avoiding anything that would remind him of the night he had attempted to take his own life. Work distracted him from dark thoughts and when at home, Sehun kept him occupied and he found that he hadn’t let himself stray to the penknife that sits in his drawer, or to memories of painful childhood that still haunted his dreams. Beer helped and he couldn’t believe ever admitting this, but so did those crappy TV shows on his screen.
He was still very tired, and all he wanted was to sleep and never wake up but every time he closes his eyes at night when it was time for bed, he sees Sehun’s smile and he hears Sehun’s voice. He thought about those arms that never left him since the beginning, even though they never stayed the whole time. He thought about Sehun’s eyes when he smiles, sad and broken, and he thought about Sehun’s feelings for him, wondered if they were real or Sehun was just saying it to stop him from killing himself. He thought about what they could be, mostly.
He had never been more afraid.
But those thoughts lulled him to sleep and pulled him back up awake. Soon he found that he was getting up so he could see Sehun, smiling because Sehun is there, safe because Sehun holds him as if he was holding onto dear life. Sehun revolves around his waking mind and then also in his sleep. It feels good, somehow, surprisingly and for a few moments of each passing day, Baekhyun wondered if they would be okay after all.
It was in the beginning of a new year when Sehun came home with a rather wide and genuine grin on his face, closing the door and flopping onto the couch before he was telling Baekhyun how he wanted his chest to get inked. Baekhyun was more than happy to do it, of course, grinning excitedly as he went to retrieve his bag and returned with the equipment. He listened carefully to the details Sehun explained to him, chest beating wildly once Sehun finished.
“We found love?” He repeated, ignoring the specific details Sehun had explained. He had a hand gripping onto the tattoo machine, his free one splayed on Sehun’s chest. “And you want it across your chest? It’s going to hurt, Hunnie.”
Sehun raised a brow at the nickname and Baekhyun could feel heat burning his cheeks. You’re stupid, Byun Baek. I’m actually disappointed, he tells himself. Sehun only chuckled, shaking his head. “Hyung, you marked the whole of my left arm with whatever beautiful art piece this is and I didn’t die. You drew a freaking huge pair of wings on my back, with details. I survived, didn’t I? They’re just three words. I won’t cry.”
Baekhyun shrugged, rolling his eyes. “Whatever you say, big guy.” He watched as Sehun got comfortable, eyes closed and fingers already grasping Baekhyun’s thigh. Baekhyun had to bite down onto his lower lip to keep from smiling, liking the way Sehun held on to him whenever he knew pain is coming, even when they pain has yet to come. He thanked whatever there is to thank that Sehun had his eyes closed, or he would have looked completely idiotic. He thinks it’s crazy, these feelings he harbored, but it feels so damn good.
In the silence that soon followed, Baekhyun traced the design onto Sehun’s chest with a marker, the words big and clear across the taut skin. We found love, whatever that could mean. Once he began, Baekhyun barely managed to ignore the hisses Sehun constantly let out, tempted to stop but knowing Sehun didn’t want him to. Of course, he stopped as and when it’s necessary but he wanted to stop completely not just because Sehun was hissing in pain but his thigh was beginning to hurt as well. Not that he really minded it.
When he was done and Sehun is well wrapped up just waiting for recovery, the younger boy sighed and got up into a sitting position. Baekhyun takes the seat next to him out of habit, smiling up at Sehun with a kind of adoration that he didn’t realize until his cheeks began to hurt. He cleared his throat, avoiding Sehun’s gaze and nodding to himself.
“Want to know why?” Sehun began, flashing him a smile, one that he had never seen Sehun wear before.
He raised both his brows. “Why what?”
“Why I chose ‘we found love’.” The younger boy was gazing at Baekhyun and he hated how different it feels now but he couldn’t help the blush that spread at his cheeks. Goddamn it. “I’m not a cheesy person, as you probably already knew, but I could be when… You know? When it’s with someone I really care about.” Sehun was stuttering and it was the first time Baekhyun had ever seen him like this and Sehun’s smiling sheepishly and he thinks Sehun is perfect. “I figured ‘we found love’ would be a more discreet way of saying ‘I found you’.”
Baekhyun choked at his own spit, heart racing, hairs standing, cheeks burning. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How the fuck do I respond to this? He’s clueless and he’s afraid and he’s so very… happy? Is this how happy feels like then? If it isn’t, then Baekhyun has no idea what would explain the summersaults in his stomach. “Yeah?” He started, paused, thought through the feelings he had been having and the thoughts of Sehun that accompanied him to sleep. “Well, I guess, that is a more discreet way of saying it. I didn’t know you were that cheesy.”
Well, Sehun hadn’t specifically meant him when he mentioned ‘you’, and Baekhyun was glad he hadn’t just assumed that it was him. He half wished it was him, but if it wasn’t then he’s about the most idiotic person he’s ever had the misfortune to come across. But then Sehun is leaning in and for a second, Baekhyun thought Sehun would kiss him, which would be much easier than having to think of what to say at the words Sehun whispered into his ear.
“I found you.”
But Baekhyun decided that love needs no words or reason. They didn’t need words; had never used much of them since they first met anyway. So he doesn’t answer and instead wrapped his arms around Sehun’s neck, crashing their lips together in a kiss that Sehun was quick to return. They found the beers in the fridge while not completely parting from their kiss; they get drunk and they fuck and they whispered I love you, I love you, I love you over and over again and it feels so freaking good to actually say it and mean it.
The night was a blurry one, though Baekhyun remembers most of it. He just couldn’t remember how he had agreed to let Sehun ink him, because he woke up the next morning with an excruciatingly painful chest, and found a less attractive but almost similar design of ‘We found love’ he had tattooed on Sehun that same night.
He wanted to be angry, wanted to throw something at Sehun when the latter came into the room with a sheepish grin and a tray of crappy breakfast but ended up kissing the taller male instead. There’s a kind of bubbly feeling in his chest as they kissed again and again and again. And he thinks it would never feel enough but for the first time ever, there was actually a reason for him to breathe, for him to smile, for him to be alive. And the reason is standing tall before him, arms around his waist and grinning down at him like an idiot in love.
And he thinks he finally understood, that this is what love feels like.
A/N: Well, the ending was kinda rushed because idek? I wanted it to be done because I have a million other fics to write and I shouldn't even have started this but anyway! Finished it. Some try for sad but it ended kinda cheesy. Lol. Anyway. Hope you enjoyed. Comments would be appreciated! ^^
Pairing: sehun x baekhyun
Rating: NC-17
Warning: mentions of self-harm, mentions of sex, attempted suicide
The next time Baekhyun saw Sehun again was when he paid Chanyeol a rare visit at the club.
He’s clad in his dark jeans, black leather jacket over his black tank and unsurprisingly, so was Sehun. Baekhyun remembered little details from when he had seen Sehun constantly, of how they dressed similarly, shared almost the same interests, and sadly, have no directions to go. The younger male was sucking onto the straw of his bottle of Coke when Baekhyun first spotted him, forgetting why he was even there to begin with. Sehun hadn’t noticed him amongst the crowd, so he took the little time studying the boy from afar.
From the low cut of Sehun’s tank, Baekhyun could see the dark lines of a masterpiece, spreading from his arm and Baekhyun knows this because he was there when Sehun got shirtless and held his arm out while his other hand gripped at Baekhyun’s thigh; he was there and he saw the pain that was constantly flashing across Sehun’s features, he was there because he had been the one imprinting his very own masterpiece onto Sehun’s pale skin.
The memory of that night ignites a kind of familiar spark at the pit of his stomach, and the thought of tracing his fingers over each intricate line that marked Sehun’s arm excites him.
He couldn’t actually remember when he last saw Sehun, just that it had been quite a while, and he shouldn’t care but when they locked eyes over bottles of coke and an ocean of bodies, Baekhyun couldn’t help the slight smirk that tugged at the corner of his lips.
It sure was a pleasure to see Sehun again.
“Vive ut vivas.”
“Vive ut vivas?”
A nod, “It means ‘live -”
Baekhyun rolled his eyes when he snapped, “I know what it means.”
Sehun glared at him for raising his voice but soon the younger shrugged his shoulders and fidgeted to get comfortable as he lay on the couch, chest exposed for Baekhyun to see. It wasn’t something Baekhyun hasn’t seen before (in fact he had seen it one time too many), yet every time Sehun gets rid of his shirt Baekhyun found himself staring. Not just at those broad shoulders and toned stomach or where his happy trail began and hides underneath his jeans, but also at the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes, the starting lines of the ink that painted his arm, the string of thoughts that haunted Baekhyun put into words and marking Sehun’s skin, on different parts of his body and Baekhyun almost felt guilty. Almost.
“Funny,” Baekhyun scoffed, ignoring the way his stomach fluttered.
“What is?”
“Those words, coming from someone who talks about death more times than he actually breathes,” He chuckled humorlessly, tightening his gloved fingers onto the grip of the tattoo machine, biting down on his bottom lip. “Where do you want it?”
Sehun took about a minute to think, staring up at the ceiling as if he could find the answers there. He always takes more time than necessary when deciding where his next print should be and somehow Baekhyun understands because he knew Sehun has no plans on getting rid of these inks from his skin. After about two minutes of thinking, the younger boy glanced at Baekhyun before closing his eyes, seemingly used to the pain of getting needled.
“Put it where you think it should be.” He said calmingly, although Baekhyun could already feel Sehun’s fingers grasping at his thigh.
It was Baekhyun’s turn to think as he once again raked his eyes through the expanse of Sehun’s naked top, catching the word ‘lost’ on his rib, ‘caged’ just above his hipbone and other patterns and words. It was surprising Baekhyun could still see the original color of Sehun’s skin - but he intended not to cover it all for personal satisfaction. His eyes caught the protruding collarbones Sehun has, deciding to ink the words right on his chest which was (surprisingly, again) still clean. He warned Sehun to be ready and when he deemed that Sehun is really prepared, he began his work onto Sehun’s chest.
Since the sentence was short, it didn’t take very long and Sehun had showed less pain than he had during their previous “meeting”, which had been a massive pair of wings that now decorates his shoulder blades. As Baekhyun wiped off the reddened skin, he caught a glimpse of his name inked onto Sehun’s skin, the juncture where his neck meets his shoulders. A smile curled at his lips, tracing a finger over the name as he remembered the night he had imprinted it onto Sehun. They were a thing back then and even though he knew that they weren’t anything close to serious, he also knew that Sehun’s body is like his very own canvas.
As expected, it didn’t work out. Baekhyun couldn’t remember what pulled them apart and sent them separate ways but it hadn’t hurt. Nothing could have hurt more than he had gone through in the past. One day Sehun was here, on his couch and shirtless, raw from getting inked and the next day he stopped coming and they stopped calling and it was as if they had never met, until they locked eyes again in the club.
There were no explanations given or needed as Sehun began his constant visit once again. Only this time they only lacked the make out sessions and those times spent in bed because if they were a thing before, they were nothing now. But Sehun kept coming back, each time for a new ink and sometimes just for a silent night of watching the TV. It became a routine and after almost three months of this procedure, Baekhyun was already used to it.
Now, as he continued to caress his name on Sehun’s skin, he could feel something bubbling up in his stomach, some kind of victory and ownership over the younger male and marking him his. Sehun stayed silent and he kept his eyes closed, looking almost as if he was asleep from Baekhyun’s touches. Baekhyun guessed Sehun’s just taking a few minutes calming down, knew that even though he’s used to the needle, every time it marks him the pain is fresh. Baekhyun wouldn’t know how it feels; he’s clean from head to know despite his love for these prints. He’s more of the artist than the client; though the only person he’d ever marked was Sehun and he had a feeling it will only be Sehun.
When Sehun opened his eyes again, their gazes locked and Baekhyun looked away first. He wore a smug grin as he eyed the new words on Sehun’s chest, proud of his work. “Live so that you can live. It doesn’t make sense for you to want it but I must say I did a great job.”
“When have you never done a good job?” Sehun rolled his eyes, getting up into a sitting position and taking the mirror Baekhyun handed to him to look at the new ink. His grin was slightly maniacal. “Wanna know why I chose this?”
Baekhyun shrugged his shoulder, raising a brow as he watched Sehun closely. “You’ve found the reason to live?”
The younger was silent for a second or two, finger gingerly tracing over the words. “I may have found the reason for a while. But that’s not it. I still think dying should be the best way to end everything. Why be alive and miserable when you can -”
“- be dead and smiling?” Baekhyun grinned as he finished the sentence; he’d heard Sehun say it almost every time they end up on this very couch, watching a crappy TV show on screen and getting high on a pot of weed.
There’s a pang of jealousy that hits him for that brief second, envious that Sehun had actually found a reason and he would be left alone all over again. He knew it would happen, he should be used to it by now, yet every time it happens, Baekhyun couldn’t help that crack in whatever was left of his heart. He wished he could turn it off. But not all wishes come true.
Sehun was smiling, wincing slightly when his fingers accidently brush over the fresh cuts of the needle. He signaled to Baekhyun in a way of saying that he was ready to get it covered up for a few days and Baekhyun did it in silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable but Baekhyun was suddenly too aware of Sehun’s breath against his cheek, eyes unable to stop from latching themselves onto the curves of his name on Sehun’s neck. His fingers are itching and his lips parted, desperate to get a taste; he’d forgotten how soft Sehun’s skin felt against his lips.
He surprisingly managed to hold back his urges, taking off the gloves he was wearing once he was done with Sehun. The younger boy pulled his shirt back on and Baekhyun had to bite back the disappointment. He did, however, catch a glimpse of a sentence he didn’t remember marking on Sehun before, a string of words in a tiny marking that read ‘Not all those who wander are lost’ just underneath the barcode he had drawn on the nape of Sehun’s neck from one of the first few nights since they met.
“I didn’t do this,” He broke the silence, a hand going up to touch the skin. There’s a frown on his forehead and he hates that he was letting it bother him.
Sehun’s smiling again as if it’s normal and perhaps it is, perhaps Baekhyun was delusional to think that Sehun would only let him mark his body. “Oh, I got that from when we stopped seeing each other. Cost me nearly fifty bucks but no regrets. I actually kinda like it.”
Something snapped in Baekhyun’s head, like putting together two puzzle pieces and forming a clearer picture. He pulled his hand back, keeping them busy with packing the equipment into a bag while he ignores the weight on his chest. Fucking emotions.“Ah, cool. Let me guess; the reason to why you should live? Why didn’t you get this one done at the shop then?”
The brown haired male was looking at Baekhyun weird and for moment, he was afraid that Sehun had noticed the change in his tone of voice. But then Sehun is laughing, leaning back against the couch, speaking as if it was a stupid question. “Because it’s free? She charged me forty-five bucks, man. But the extra service was free so I guess it’s worth it?”
There was no need to question what extra service Sehun was speaking of, Baekhyun knew. He faked a laugh, hating the pang in his chest before he joined Sehun on the couch. “Maybe I should charge you. Nothing’s free, you know? I could make it a living.”
Sehun rolled his eyes, a teasing grin playing at his lips. “Will you charge me when we bang after?”
The question earned him a smack upside the head and he laughed as Baekhyun got off the couch to grab them both a bottle of beer, only one left in the fridge.
They ended up sharing it, Baekhyun’s legs resting over Sehun’s thighs as the same crappy show they kept watching started on TV. Another night of silence, another night slightly tipsy from the alcohol. It did help Baekhyun put his unwanted feelings at the back of his mind. He needed that more than anything else.
He had never known how it would feel like to be loved, wanted, needed. Sure, he had parents, a family, friends, people who in any other story would love him. But his parents loved his brother, his family never considered him as one and his friends were never there. He’s only had his grandmother who actually cared but she only stayed for the first decade of his life. For a very long time, Baekhyun longed to be held, craved the affection his parents granted his brother with and wished that someone would love him the way he sees people being loved.
For a very long time, they never came.
He had stopped longing for something he never had, stopped craving for something he would never get and stopped wishing for something he would never feel. He had grown numb, like an ice during the winter freezing his heart and needed more than just the heat of summer to melt it. But numb is fearsome, and for a very long time, Baekhyun was afraid. His fear of having no emotions had him resorting to pain, physical ones that would heal in time.
Emotional scars, he learned, never leaves.
Because even when his cheek hurt from his father’s fist, his back stung from the caning his mother gave, it was his broken heart that left him crying in the middle of the night. It was his broken heart that brought up so many questions he couldn’t find the answer to. He had spent so many nights for a very, very long time trying to understand why. Why couldn’t they love him like they loved his brother? Why couldn’t they watch him graduate like they cried when his brother went up to the podium for his speech? Why, why, why?
When he finally understood why, understood that he could never be good enough, Baekhyun decided that he didn’t need to try anymore. He was so used to being left behind, unwanted, not needed and cast aside like a piece of trash that’s not worth a glance. He was so used to it that when Sehun first held him in his arms, Baekhyun swore he was close to tears. The feeling was so foreign, so alien to him for he had never been held, had never been kissed and even though Sehun made it clear that they were nothing more than two troubled souls seeking company in each other, he unknowingly cherished every second that Sehun held him.
Sehun, unlike many others, didn’t leave. He stayed for almost two years; the longest Baekhyun has had someone to keep close until he suddenly stopped coming. Baekhyun had been prepared and he was grateful that Sehun hadn’t stayed long enough for him to believe that something, somehow, would change. He did spend many nights after that wondering what had gone wrong, until he realized that nothing had been right since the beginning.
He also realized that Sehun seemed hesitant, afraid even, after a night spent making love (a change from their nightly routine that would have had Baekhyun bent against the couch). Sehun had looked almost soft on the inside and perhaps he was afraid, but so was Baekhyun.
He seems weak in comparison to what Sehun had gone through. He couldn’t imagine standing in Sehun’s shoes even for a second. He learnt from a night high on weed and head heavy with alcohol that Sehun has had it worse than him. He couldn’t bring himself to compare a childhood without the love of his parents to one having to spend every torturing night with the images of a brutal murder. He couldn’t bring himself to imagine being right there and watching his parents sliced and killed. He wondered how Sehun is still here.
It was nothing funny but Sehun had been laughing when he told Baekhyun about what happened to his parents in detail, describing it almost perfectly and Baekhyun could tell just how many times the memory had played in his head. He could tell how emotionally damaged Sehun was because he was laughing and not crying, could see that he wasn’t that terribly off the edge because he still cries at night for something he had lost a long time ago.
Later that night, Sehun did cry, face buried into Baekhyun’s clothed shoulder and reeking of alcohol and telling him that he had never wished for anything like this, that he had never wanted a life so harsh and that fate is cruel and we will all die anyway. Maybe Baekhyun had cried too, but he couldn’t remember every second of that night except that it had felt good to hold Sehun in his arms, it had felt good to have Sehun leaning on him as he cried.
And when Sehun disappeared, Baekhyun wasn’t hurt. He had been prepared all along and they were never in love to begin with. It had only felt a little emptier when he woke up alone in a bed too small for two, when he got up to make coffee for one and when he returned home with the TV off and no one on the couch just waiting to get inked. Because two years was a long time, long enough for him to get used to, but he had learned that change comes quickly.
He only realized that he had missed Sehun when they met again at the club.
It had felt good to find something that’s been missing for a while.
Then Sehun kept coming again for the next three months; he kept coming and Baekhyun was ready for the day he would disappear again but Sehun would always be there. He found that he could laugh and it felt good to laugh when Sehun is around. They would drink and get drunk and smoke and wake up with the worst hangover each time and when Sehun leaves (because apparently he has a home), Baekhyun would find himself curled against the door of his room and those questions would come up again until he cries of frustration and hate and believing that he could never be good enough. It hurt like a fresh new cut and at times he wondered if he would ever be free from these thoughts and self-loathe.
He knew he should learn to love himself; he’d seen the message everywhere from those who thought they understood people like him. Yet with every swipe of the knife across his wrist, he could only wish that he was born a better kid, that he had been a better person so his parents would be proud. But he was not good enough and he never would be.
Physical pain was greatly welcomed, for he can never endure the wounds inside.
Baekhyun winced at the sting that came with the fresh cut on his wrist, watching as blood ooze out from the wound but not too much to kill him. His breathing was ragged from the pain but he welcomed it, even though his face felt swollen from last night’s series of self-loathing and crying himself to sleep. The cut on his wrist felt like a release and as he threw his head back to rest against the wall, Baekhyun’s breathing finally calmed down.
He barely jumped when the front door opened and Sehun stepped through it, his own face reddened and swollen from what Baekhyun knew was a night’s worth of tears; he knew because that was exactly how he looked like the last time he looked into a mirror. Sehun’s bloodshot eyes flickered from the empty bottles of beer that scattered on the floor next to Baekhyun to the penknife in his hand, the dirtied cigarette bowl in front of him and the bleeding wound on his left wrist. Sehun didn’t flinch as he moved to take a seat.
The taller boy sniffled once he’s settled down against the wall next to Baekhyun, grabbing a half empty bottle and chugging the rest of it down his throat. In the silence that followed, Sehun fished out a handkerchief Baekhyun didn’t know he kept from inside his jeans pocket, silently taking a hold of Baekhyun’s wrist to tie the piece of cloth around the wound to stop the bleeding. Baekhyun didn’t protest, couldn’t feel anything from the numbness smoking pot had given him. He could only watch as Sehun lighted up the cig in between his lips, taking a long drag of it and sniffling again when he pulled it out. He watched again as Sehun continued to smoke, lips curling into a smile.
“It’s funny, isn’t it?” Sehun broke the silence, smoke leaving his lips and fading into the air as his gaze stared emptily into space. Baekhyun stayed silent as Sehun continued. “They say life is beautiful, that even though it’s short, it’s still full of wonders. Yet all it does to us was give us pain and take everything that we’ve ever loved away from us. Life is cruel. They’ve misinterpreted what life could be; maybe beautiful for some but what about the others? What about people like us? We were never meant to be remembered.”
Baekhyun listened to every single word that Sehun uttered, tried to understand each meaning and found that it was true, that Sehun was right. We were never meant to be remembered. They fell into another silence, in which Baekhyun stared at the cloth tied around his wrist and Sehun light up another stick. When Sehun spoke again, Baekhyun’s too tired to respond.
The younger male once again grabbed gently at his left arm, thumb absently caressing over the covered wound. “It wouldn’t help, you know?” Sehun whispered, and Baekhyun swore he saw a tear fall, dissolving into the cloth that wrapped his wrist. “I know because… I know that it feels amazing, I know the craving to feel something that’s outside and not inside. But it wouldn’t help. It will keep coming back, hyung. It will keep coming back until you cut deeper and deeper until there is no more you.”
When Baekhyun finally spoke, his voice was hoarse from crying and lack of use. “Are you going to do it, then? Since that is the only thing we could do, will you do it?”
Sehun looked up at him, letting go of his hand and wiping at his cheeks. “No, not yet anyway.”
“Why? Because you’ve found the reason to live?” Baekhyun didn’t know where this was coming from, but he was suddenly angry and he wanted to be alone. “Well, if you don’t know, I haven’t and I don’t think I ever will.”
“Am I not reason enough for you to stay?” Sehun asked, causing the bubble of humorless laughter that ripped through Baekhyun’s chest as he threw his head back and clutched at his stomach. He laughed for a good one minute and Sehun only watched, confused.
“Who are we to each other, Sehun? Nothing more than two troubled souls seeking company in each other, as you put it. I am not your reason and you are not mine. We’re not together, we’re only alone together. We’re hopeless. We’re hopeless.” He said, voice shaking from the tears that threatened to spill but he also wanted to laugh.
For the briefest of moments, Sehun looked hurt but he quickly regained his stoic expression as he continued to sit there in silence. They sat in the comfort of each other’s presence, the anger that had built up Baekhyun’s spine dissipating like the smoke that escaped Sehun’s lips. His left arm felt tired, dead and he left it be as he continued to take a swing of the beer using his good arm. They stayed like that until the sun set and rose again.
The next time Sehun came around was nearly two weeks later, busted lip and swelling cheekbone and barging in through the front door as if he owned the place just before he pushed Baekhyun up against the wall, lips crashing and hands grabbing and twisting and pulling at clothes and hair and skin. It was a wonder why Baekhyun hadn’t pushed him away just as soon as his back connects with the hard of his wall, choosing instead to kiss Sehun back as if they were something, something more than just two wandering souls.
He did stop the kiss however, just as soon as Sehun managed to throw off his leather jacket to the side, panting against each other’s lips and nails gripping onto Baekhyun’s skin it almost hurt. It was his harsh grip onto Sehun’s forearms that stopped Sehun from capturing his lips once again, breathing hard and bodies pressed too close. They stayed that way for a full minute, just calming down their breaths and eyeing each other’s pink and now swollen brims.
Baekhyun’s tempted to move, another inch would press their lips together again. But he doesn’t as he leaned in to breathe into Sehun’s ear, suddenly feeling bold and hot around the collar. He trailed his hands down Sehun’s sides, reaching down to sneak his fingers into the back pockets of Sehun’s jeans and grabbing the rounds of Sehun’s jeans-clad rear. He could feel a smirk tug at the corner of his lips when he heard the hitch in Sehun’s breath, breathing into the taller’s ear and squeezing.
He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been fantasizing the younger boy over the last two weeks. He wasn’t sure how it began but it escalated quickly. It’s rather odd considering the fact that they had spent almost four months together without any inappropriate touching, without any need to release this kind of tension. Perhaps it was when Sehun was silently taking care of his wound; he couldn’t really give a damn. He’s hot and his fingers are itching and his lips are craving and there’s heat pooling at the bottom of his stomach. He wants Sehun, wants to rake his nails into Sehun’s skin and scream Sehun’s name. So it doesn’t actually make sense to him why he was the one pushing Sehun away.
The groan that left Sehun’s lips hit Baekhyun like a cold breeze, shivering at the low sound that crawled up his spine. Sehun cursed almost silently, lips swollen and eyes hooded and Baekhyun thinks he’d never seen anything so tempting before. “What did you think you were doing? Kissing me like that like that’s okay? I’m not your fucking boy toy.”
Sehun looked guilty for a second, muttering a quiet apology before flopping down onto the couch. Baekhyun couldn’t help the slight disappointment that weighed him down, biting onto his bottom lip and choosing to ignore the feeling as he went to grab them a couple bottles of beer. He had a nagging feeling to ask where Sehun had been for the past two weeks, or what had happened to cause that busted lip. But he doesn’t want to nose in someone else’s business like how he pretty much screamed it at Sehun’s face the last time they saw each other.
As always, they drank in silence while some other equally crappy TV show played on the screen until Baekhyun got up and told Sehun he wanted to add a little something onto his many artworks on Sehun’s body. Sehun only nodded, pulling his shirt off and getting ready to face the needle once again. And as always, Sehun didn’t question him as he began his work, curving an apostrophe just after the ‘n’ of his name before adding an‘s’, resulting a completed curvy‘Baekhyun’s’. He’s satisfied when he finished, grinning smugly as he wiped the skin.
Sehun wasn’t lying on the couch this time, just seated on it with Baekhyun next to him. After he kept the things into the bag, Baekhyun leaned back to trace a finger over his name, the silence edging him on to lean into Sehun instead. He admits that he wasn’t thinking clearly, blaming the effect of the alcohol that he was acting such way. But suddenly Sehun smells too good for him to resist, looks too appealing for him to let go. And he’s so, so, tempted.
He breathed out against Sehun’s skin, causing the younger boy to visibly shudder at the sensation. Baekhyun thinks he shouldn’t be doing it, but it was the alcohol that was controlling him, convincing him that they’ve been something before and that this wouldn’t even matter when he wakes up in the morning. Sehun would be gone anyway. So he listened to that inner voice, and he closed the distance between them, latching his lips onto the skin with his name on it.
It started with just a brush of lips against skin, but as his lips parted he began sucking red marks onto it, fingers clutching at Sehun’s toned stomach. The moans spilling past Sehun’s lips were sinful and soon Baekhyun found himself straddling Sehun’s thighs, lips crashing against lips and they were back to full on make out much like what they were doing when Sehun came earlier. He’s afraid of something he had no idea of but he lets the alcohol do the work, convincing himself even as he lay in bed, breathless and Sehun already drifted off to sleep, that he wouldn’t regret this. That even if Sehun leaves again, he would be okay. At least, as okay as he had ever been in his entire life.
But when Sehun wasn’t beside him when he woke up, Baekhyun hated himself even more.
For another two weeks, Sehun was a no show. Baekhyun found that for every night of those two weeks, he fell asleep in tears and woke up with another cut. He skipped work most days and thanked Jongin for covering him. He wished he would be given night shift instead but Chanyeol needed the slot and Kyungsoo’s the boss and the boss has a little thing for Chanyeol, so it wouldn’t even worth a try to ask again. Nothing is fair, after all.
He’s run out of beer so the torturous nights were only spent with intensified feelings. It hurts more now without the lace of alcohol; he could feel so much more and he hated it. In the silence of his empty home, Baekhyun thought about his brother, so fortunate and loved and praised by everyone he’s ever known. And he thought about himself, the complete opposite of his brother no matter how much he tried. He thought about his parents and wondered if they’re worried about how he is doing, wondered if they ever thought about him since he left.
He wondered if they would be sad if he was to be gone forever.
When Sehun came again, Baekhyun couldn’t find the energy to be angry, so he lets the younger male come in with two bottles of beer as if he knew Baekhyun had run out of it, he lets Sehun sit next to him and light up two sticks of cig, one for himself and another for Baekhyun. Like the other day, they sat there in silence and filling the room with smoke, as and when taking a swing from the bottle. Baekhyun shivered with the pleasure the taste of the alcohol granted him with, and he found himself smiling because he had missed it. He had missed this. But Sehun doesn’t have to know that.
Sehun’s with another busted lip, the wound on his lower one fresh and new. His left arm stayed unmoving on his abdomen and he only used his right arm to lift up the bottle, or after he takes a drag of the cig to flick the ash into the ashtray. Baekhyun didn’t realize he had been staring at the younger boy in the silence that blanketed them, watching how Sehun’s Adam’s apple bob up and down his throat, studying the curve of Sehun’s jawline and smiling at howbeautiful Sehun looked, even with his red-rimmed eyes and bed hair.
He frowned when Sehun winced after accidentally moving his left arm and he took almost two minutes trying to calm down from his suddenly ragged breathing, in which he had his eyes closed. Baekhyun was finally able to put two and two together, and figured Sehun must have a broken arm. He got up to get the winter scarf his grandmother had given him for his tenth birthday, returning to Sehun’s side to silently and carefully bind the scarf to hold up Sehun’s bad arm to his neck. Sehun winced each time his arm had to move, but he made no protest to stop Baekhyun, half-lidded eyes gazing at the older for some time after that.
“You’ve been getting into fights a lot lately, Sehun.” It wasn’t a question but Baekhyun expected a response anyway.
Sehun only flashed him a smirk, the corner of his lips tugging upwards before he inhaled a deep breath and sat up against the wall. “They had baseball bats and broken glass bottles and they could have used them but they used their bloody hands instead.” He winced once, shifting his arm to get comfortable with the position.
Something clicked in Baekhyun’s head, an answer to the question he had wanted to ask. “You want them to get you killed.”
The smile that curled onto Sehun’s lips looked almost sad, even though he attempted for it to come out cynical, ignorant but Baekhyun could see through like clear glass. The younger was silent for a long time before he finally spoke, voice cracking. “I couldn’t do it on my own. I’m… scared, actually. I’m afraid of dying but I couldn’t - I can’t keep on living every day with nothing to live for. I thought I’ve found the reason to, but it’s not counted when the feelings aren’t returned. And I can’t wait to go. I want to go. They say you’ll meet the people you’ve lost when it’s your turn.”
“They all say that, don’t they?” Baekhyun said, settling down next to Sehun. “They say it’s called heaven, but you forget that they also say heaven was made for good people. We’re not, Sehun. We’re not good. We won’t be going there. We’ll end up somewhere else.”
What he said seemed to have stunned Sehun, the younger male blinking rapidly before he, for the first time since they met at the club again, bursts into a sobbing mess. It felt as though he had stolen candy from a child, the guilt was there but he wouldn’t take back what he said. Sehun was wiping fiercely at his cheeks with one hand but failed to control his sobbing and naturally, Baekhyun pulled the younger into his arms and let Sehun cry into his shoulder, the scene reminding him of the night Sehun had first told him about his parents. He could feel a tug at his heart, a kind of weight that rests heavy on his chest as he gingerly runs a hand down Sehun’s back. He wants to say something but his voice wouldn’t come, lips wouldn’t move.
So he stayed silent as Sehun continued to cry and was surprised to find that his eyes were dry by the time Sehun fell asleep on his shoulder.
It’s a thoughtless decision, something he should have hesitated doing but like instinct, he only followed. He couldn’t remember exactly making his way there, couldn’t believe he actually remembered the place even. He shouldn’t feel like an outcast, shouldn’t hesitate ever knocking on the door because this was supposed to be his home. This was the place he had grown up in, yet stepping through the threshold only made Baekhyun wish he hadn’t.
He first saw a family, of laughing grandparents and giggling children. There was that weight again on his chest, something weighing him down and making it hard to breathe. He recognized the woman who snapped her head up just as soon as he intruded, eyes glazing with a kind of hatred that was obvious. Her husband did the same, choosing then to refuse to look at Baekhyun as if acknowledging him would be a sin. He thinks he shouldn’t be greeted with these expressions since they were his parents, but he should have expected it.
Baekhyun couldn’t remember receiving any wedding invitations, but seeing that there was a young boy and an even younger girl, another lady seated for dinner as well, Baekhyun guessed his brother must have gotten married. It felt as though he was a stranger, barging in a peaceful family dinner that he was supposedly to be a part of. They didn’t even have a chair left for him. They never wondered about him. They never cared.
“Did you come to borrow money?” His brother, JoonMyeon, asked, having been the one who let him in but speaking smugly as he went back to his seat amongst the others, leaving Baekhyun to stand there and watch. “We have money; just tell us how much you need.”
Baekhyun fisted his hands at his sides, nostrils flaring from the sudden anger his brother’s assumption had caused. He was afraid he would cry, humiliated by his own family and belittled as if they were strangers to each other. He stared after his father, who focused instead on his food then at his mother, who wore an annoyed expression. What was he thinking ever coming here? This is not his home. This was never his home.
His fingers were trembling when he left the mansion, and he could no longer think. The sun had set and night finally came. He’s tired of feeling wasted, tired of being unwanted, had enough of crying himself to sleep every night. He wants to be free and he’s going to set himself free. They say no one can change anything about you but yourself. They were right.
Thunder roared and lightning lit up the night sky in quick flashes, a sign of rain coming soon. Baekhyun headed straight up to the rooftop of his apartment building instead of his unit, running up the stairs without taking a pause to think or to breathe because he was so angry, and he was so alone. He just wants to be free. Tonight he will be free.
We were never meant to be remembered.
Didn’t Sehun say that once? Hasn’t Sehun been the one speaking of death and ending the misery that has been thrown upon them? He couldn’t help but wish Sehun would come with him and then they both would be free.
We were never meant to be remembered.
The words echoed in his head like a mantra, repeating over and over again as he ran up the stairs. Rain had poured heavily outside, its pounding drowning out the sounds of his own breathing, his own footsteps. He’s close to getting there; just a few steps would take him up to the rooftop. He was so close to freedom, and it doesn’t matter that he was breathless.
We were never meant to be remembered.
It’s pouring outside when he opened the door, not hesitating when he took a step forward and into the rain. He was already drenched in less than a minute, and it seemed to have triggered his emotions because that was when he cried. His chest hurt and he couldn’t see anything beyond this point. He couldn’t imagine a future and what it would consist of. His heart was beating hard against his chest and his tears had mingled with the rain water.
The images of his childhood replayed in his head, a memory of scarred skin and tearful cries that nobody could hear. He wondered what he had ever done to deserve such lack of love and he wondered if he could have done something to change it. But he was useless, he always had been, and there was just no need for him to be. What would he be here for? Who would want to keep him around? He had absolutely no one and there is no reason. No reason at all.
He made careful steps towards the edge; every single second spent sobbing as he continued to wonder, continued to wish for something different. Behind closed lids he could only see his parents’ eyes, staring him down as if they regretted ever bringing him into this world. He wished they hadn’t, wished he was spared from the cruelty of being alive. He wants to be gone and the only way seemed to be the hardest. Yet all he could think of was this decision he had made the moment he stepped into the rain. He was going to end it all.
Once he reached the edge of the rooftop, Baekhyun had managed to calm his breathing, closing his eyes and stepping onto the ledge. It’s ten stories high and if he lifts a foot and jump, he wouldn’t make it down alive. He thought about his friends, Chanyeol and Jongin and even Kyungsoo, who had never liked him. He thought about Sehun and sent a silent apology that he couldn’t bring him along. Somehow the thought of the younger brought on more tears and he remembered every moment he spent with Sehun, realized that Sehun was the only person who had understood, who had stayed longer than anyone else.
But he had to go.
He lifted a foot off the ledge, keeping his eyes closed and was a second away from letting himself fall when he felt himself being pulled back, arms winding around his waist and letting him fall onto the ground behind. His heart raced against his chest, opening his eyes only to find Sehun two meters away, drenched in rain and panting.
“What the fuck did you think you were doing?!” Sehun yelled at him, pointing an accusing finger.
Baekhyun’s suddenly angry, scrambling up to his feet and yelling right back at the younger so he could be heard through the storm. “I’m going to end this, Sehun! Just like you said. I’m going to be free. Why the fuck did you stop me?!”
“Are you fucking crazy?!”
“Yes, I am! I’m going to jump and you can’t stop me!” He made a move to get on the ledge again but Sehun grabbed at his wrist, stopping him yet again.
Sehun was close to tears, Baekhyun could tell despite both their faces dripping with rain and it was impossible to see clearly. He lets go of Baekhyun’s hand and raised both of his as if in surrender. “Don’t jump. Just please - don’t jump.”
“Why not?” Baekhyun exclaimed, sobbing yet again. “Didn’t you want this too? Don’t you want to go? You won’t be alone so come with me.”
The taller boy shook his head furiously, licking at his lips for no reason since they were already wet. “No, no, hyung. If I could choose between dying with you and living with you, I’d choose to be alive than dead. Because I’d have you and we can live for each other, if we’re all that we have left.”
Baekhyun wanted to laugh; his feelings were all over the place and his chest hurt and now his head was beginning to throb. His chuckle came out a choked sob, lips trembling and forming into a frown. “Why would you live for me?”
“Because I love you. I am in love with you.” Sehun’s own reply was another choked sob.
The words elicited a soft gasp out of Baekhyun, one that he was sure Sehun hadn’t heard. It felt as though his heart had stopped beating, and he doesn’t know if it was a good thing or bad. He doesn’t know if that was a lie or the truth, doesn’t know if he should believe or ignore. He’s afraid. “No, you don’t. You aren’t.” He finally spoke.
Sehun took a step closer, gingerly, carefully, afraid that Baekhyun would make a move. “I do, Baekhyun. I amin love with you. I have been for a while.”
But Baekhyun refused to believe, shaking his head much like Sehun had done. It was too good to be true. “You don’t know love, Sehun!”
“I do know love!” Sehun’s voice raised beyond his, beyond the thunder that roared and the rain that poured onto them and Baekhyun flinched. “If anyone was to know love, it’s me, hyung. I have known love and I have known lost. It’s you who don’t because you’ve never been given the chance to.”
Baekhyun was crying again by then, dropping onto his knees and sobbing into his hands. His head was hazy with too much thinking and he’s tired. He’s so, so, tired. “I’m scared, Sehun.”
“I’m scared, too.” Sehun sobbed, crouching down next to Baekhyun and wrapping his arms around the older. His hold was warm despite the rain and growing tighter and Baekhyun thinks if he ever lets go, he would be lost forever. “I am very afraid. I have loved so much but every time I do, they get taken away from me. I don’t want it to happen again. I want to love you and be able to keep you with me. I want to make you happier. But I’m scared they’d take you away from me too. I can’t have that, hyung. I can’t.”
Baekhyun’s chest hurt, heavy and he just wanted to sleep. He doesn’t when his tears had stopped, didn’t realize he was gripping too hard onto Sehun’s arms. They were silent for a long time until the rain slowed down and stopped completely, warm in each other’s arms yet still wounded emotionally. When Baekhyun spoke again, his voice was hoarse. “But I’m hopeless, Sehun. There is no reason for you to love me.”
“Love needs no reason, my mother used to say. And maybe she’s right, I’m not completely sure.” Sehun lets out a humorless chuckle, not loosening his hold around Baekhyun. “I don’t expect you to feel the same way, hyung, because I’m just as hopeless. But I’m going to be here until you’re okay again, until you smile again, and then I’ll make you tell me whether I should go or stay.”
The older took a moment to think, lips pressed onto Sehun’s clothed shoulder and eyes gazing off at the building next to the one they were on. The lights were off from the windows and he knew it was late; half of the world had gone to sleep. He’s quiet when he spoke, but then again the whole town had gone silent. “Do you believe we will ever be okay?”
“No,” Sehun replied almost immediately and Baekhyun closed his eyes at the feel of Sehun’s lips that kissed his hair. It raised the hairs on his arms and something swelled in his chest; he couldn’t remember ever being held like this. “But anything could happen, right?”
Anything could happen.
Baekhyun took almost two months to recover from his breakdown. He spent most of his time at work, avoiding anything that would remind him of the night he had attempted to take his own life. Work distracted him from dark thoughts and when at home, Sehun kept him occupied and he found that he hadn’t let himself stray to the penknife that sits in his drawer, or to memories of painful childhood that still haunted his dreams. Beer helped and he couldn’t believe ever admitting this, but so did those crappy TV shows on his screen.
He was still very tired, and all he wanted was to sleep and never wake up but every time he closes his eyes at night when it was time for bed, he sees Sehun’s smile and he hears Sehun’s voice. He thought about those arms that never left him since the beginning, even though they never stayed the whole time. He thought about Sehun’s eyes when he smiles, sad and broken, and he thought about Sehun’s feelings for him, wondered if they were real or Sehun was just saying it to stop him from killing himself. He thought about what they could be, mostly.
He had never been more afraid.
But those thoughts lulled him to sleep and pulled him back up awake. Soon he found that he was getting up so he could see Sehun, smiling because Sehun is there, safe because Sehun holds him as if he was holding onto dear life. Sehun revolves around his waking mind and then also in his sleep. It feels good, somehow, surprisingly and for a few moments of each passing day, Baekhyun wondered if they would be okay after all.
It was in the beginning of a new year when Sehun came home with a rather wide and genuine grin on his face, closing the door and flopping onto the couch before he was telling Baekhyun how he wanted his chest to get inked. Baekhyun was more than happy to do it, of course, grinning excitedly as he went to retrieve his bag and returned with the equipment. He listened carefully to the details Sehun explained to him, chest beating wildly once Sehun finished.
“We found love?” He repeated, ignoring the specific details Sehun had explained. He had a hand gripping onto the tattoo machine, his free one splayed on Sehun’s chest. “And you want it across your chest? It’s going to hurt, Hunnie.”
Sehun raised a brow at the nickname and Baekhyun could feel heat burning his cheeks. You’re stupid, Byun Baek. I’m actually disappointed, he tells himself. Sehun only chuckled, shaking his head. “Hyung, you marked the whole of my left arm with whatever beautiful art piece this is and I didn’t die. You drew a freaking huge pair of wings on my back, with details. I survived, didn’t I? They’re just three words. I won’t cry.”
Baekhyun shrugged, rolling his eyes. “Whatever you say, big guy.” He watched as Sehun got comfortable, eyes closed and fingers already grasping Baekhyun’s thigh. Baekhyun had to bite down onto his lower lip to keep from smiling, liking the way Sehun held on to him whenever he knew pain is coming, even when they pain has yet to come. He thanked whatever there is to thank that Sehun had his eyes closed, or he would have looked completely idiotic. He thinks it’s crazy, these feelings he harbored, but it feels so damn good.
In the silence that soon followed, Baekhyun traced the design onto Sehun’s chest with a marker, the words big and clear across the taut skin. We found love, whatever that could mean. Once he began, Baekhyun barely managed to ignore the hisses Sehun constantly let out, tempted to stop but knowing Sehun didn’t want him to. Of course, he stopped as and when it’s necessary but he wanted to stop completely not just because Sehun was hissing in pain but his thigh was beginning to hurt as well. Not that he really minded it.
When he was done and Sehun is well wrapped up just waiting for recovery, the younger boy sighed and got up into a sitting position. Baekhyun takes the seat next to him out of habit, smiling up at Sehun with a kind of adoration that he didn’t realize until his cheeks began to hurt. He cleared his throat, avoiding Sehun’s gaze and nodding to himself.
“Want to know why?” Sehun began, flashing him a smile, one that he had never seen Sehun wear before.
He raised both his brows. “Why what?”
“Why I chose ‘we found love’.” The younger boy was gazing at Baekhyun and he hated how different it feels now but he couldn’t help the blush that spread at his cheeks. Goddamn it. “I’m not a cheesy person, as you probably already knew, but I could be when… You know? When it’s with someone I really care about.” Sehun was stuttering and it was the first time Baekhyun had ever seen him like this and Sehun’s smiling sheepishly and he thinks Sehun is perfect. “I figured ‘we found love’ would be a more discreet way of saying ‘I found you’.”
Baekhyun choked at his own spit, heart racing, hairs standing, cheeks burning. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How the fuck do I respond to this? He’s clueless and he’s afraid and he’s so very… happy? Is this how happy feels like then? If it isn’t, then Baekhyun has no idea what would explain the summersaults in his stomach. “Yeah?” He started, paused, thought through the feelings he had been having and the thoughts of Sehun that accompanied him to sleep. “Well, I guess, that is a more discreet way of saying it. I didn’t know you were that cheesy.”
Well, Sehun hadn’t specifically meant him when he mentioned ‘you’, and Baekhyun was glad he hadn’t just assumed that it was him. He half wished it was him, but if it wasn’t then he’s about the most idiotic person he’s ever had the misfortune to come across. But then Sehun is leaning in and for a second, Baekhyun thought Sehun would kiss him, which would be much easier than having to think of what to say at the words Sehun whispered into his ear.
“I found you.”
But Baekhyun decided that love needs no words or reason. They didn’t need words; had never used much of them since they first met anyway. So he doesn’t answer and instead wrapped his arms around Sehun’s neck, crashing their lips together in a kiss that Sehun was quick to return. They found the beers in the fridge while not completely parting from their kiss; they get drunk and they fuck and they whispered I love you, I love you, I love you over and over again and it feels so freaking good to actually say it and mean it.
The night was a blurry one, though Baekhyun remembers most of it. He just couldn’t remember how he had agreed to let Sehun ink him, because he woke up the next morning with an excruciatingly painful chest, and found a less attractive but almost similar design of ‘We found love’ he had tattooed on Sehun that same night.
He wanted to be angry, wanted to throw something at Sehun when the latter came into the room with a sheepish grin and a tray of crappy breakfast but ended up kissing the taller male instead. There’s a kind of bubbly feeling in his chest as they kissed again and again and again. And he thinks it would never feel enough but for the first time ever, there was actually a reason for him to breathe, for him to smile, for him to be alive. And the reason is standing tall before him, arms around his waist and grinning down at him like an idiot in love.
And he thinks he finally understood, that this is what love feels like.
A/N: Well, the ending was kinda rushed because idek? I wanted it to be done because I have a million other fics to write and I shouldn't even have started this but anyway! Finished it. Some try for sad but it ended kinda cheesy. Lol. Anyway. Hope you enjoyed. Comments would be appreciated! ^^