..all alone, once again. .
Everytime the days seem brighter and my mood begins to twitch into another, more .. sweetened one, something happens and everything gets sucked back into the black abyss. Did it happen again you say? Aye. As it does everytime Justin leaves and returns. Hes like a secret lord or higher power of some sort. When hes around the whole room glows with gleeful smiles and cheerful chirps, and when he leaves .. the gloomy reality starts creeping back into the picture and everyone sinks back in their chairs. I'm tired of it.
I want him to come and stay, forever. Greedy? Why yes .. yes I am. I have every right to be and im going to take advantage of that, thankyou very much. Yesterday was the first day I've had off since I started at Longhorn. It was nice .. I miss having days off from work. Justin helped us decorate the Christmas tree and hand the lights outside. My grandmother is beginning to like Justin more then she wants to admit. She wouldn't let him leave without giving her a hug. aw. ..
Its always nice when she finds something about me or my life to be happy about, shes always comparing me and my siblings to my Aunts children, my cousins. .. Now I have to admit my cousins have alot more going for them then we do, and we all know it .. but that doesn't mean we need it thrown in our faces 24/7. It's annoying. anyway. She was talking about my cousins boyfriends, how one is creepy nice and she really doesn't care for him as much as she wants to, the other never speaks to her except for a short, sweet, " hello ". So it was nice to know she likes my boyfriend alot. I was brainstorming bymyself last night, which was odd .. last night I mean .. I kept getting all stupid and emotional about the most retarted things .. I mean, sad things but.. normal sad, like when you read the newspaper or turn on the news .. your always like " aw .. thats sad " ..but you never actually cry.
That wasn't the case for me, my mother told me about this guy she went to school with .. that owned the water spots in ocala, well he was drinking and driving and he hit this other car and ended up killing this mother and daughter .. a 55 year old and a 25 year old .. and it was so sad .. I couldn't even read the rest of the article. ..but anyway, I was brainstorming about me and justin .. how long its actually been since me and him both have been happy. We always thought we were happy with the way things were going.. but neither of us came out and said it. It was the .. " I like being around you for a short time " kinda deal, with me anyway .. I never actually believed in the beginning that we were going to make it .. especially when all that bullshit happened with jerilynn .. somehow I knew it was going to happen .. I knew it was. The feeling is gone now tho .. I have so much trust in him .. more trust then I've ever put in anyone .. and it makes me extreamly happy to feel that way.
Yet something still bothers me.. no matter how happy I am .. Im not happy. Does that even make sense? .. no. I mean .. I'm happy.. usually near this time in December something horrid happens.. but this December, I have a great boyfriend which I love with all my heart and my whole family is here. ( besides my dad .. but no one cares about him ) ..and yet I'm still .. down and depressed. I try to hide it so no one will worry, especially my parents, because I know they will .. but .. whats wrong with me?
I dunno .. I don't really see anything changing. As long as everyone knows that inside im happy .. it shouldn't matter if tears fall.
Brayzuh