One Year Ago
One year ago today I was sitting in the waiting room at the University of Maryland's Center for Advanced Fetal Care for a routine ultrasound to tell me whether I was having a boy or a girl. As we all know, that wasn't all we found out that day. We found out that our baby would not be coming home to live with us. It was the first time a doctor had ever said the word "termination" to me.
It's been almost 8 months since I had to say hello and goodbye in a matter of 10 minutes. Ten minutes that changed my life. Do I have any regrets? None. I mean, I wish I had more time with Faith. I wish that I could have heard her cry, had her sweeze my hand, had her look me in the eye. I'm at a place now where I'm content with the way things went. Under the circumstances, I couldn't have asked for any more than I received that day- after all, things turned out better than I thought. I didn't think Faith would survive the birth (in fact I didn't think she had- I was surprised when they said she was alive!). I got 37 weeks with my girl. I got to hold her as she passed from one world to another. What more could I have asked for out of such a horrible event?
I know that God was with me that day. This is how I know: I felt a calm come over me as soon as Faith was born. When they brought her to me, I wasn't hysterical or distressed. When she passed away, I calmly said to the pediatrician, "I think she is gone. Can I move this tube?" Call it shock, maybe the nurses administered me a little something, whatever. I feel that God was with me in my greatest time of need. In the days following, when I felt myself becoming distressed and losing control of myself, I asked God to help me, and He did. I felt a calmness. I had to rely on my faith in God more than I ever had in my life. This is why I'm sure my girl has the perfect name.
It's been almost 8 months since I had to say hello and goodbye in a matter of 10 minutes. Ten minutes that changed my life. Do I have any regrets? None. I mean, I wish I had more time with Faith. I wish that I could have heard her cry, had her sweeze my hand, had her look me in the eye. I'm at a place now where I'm content with the way things went. Under the circumstances, I couldn't have asked for any more than I received that day- after all, things turned out better than I thought. I didn't think Faith would survive the birth (in fact I didn't think she had- I was surprised when they said she was alive!). I got 37 weeks with my girl. I got to hold her as she passed from one world to another. What more could I have asked for out of such a horrible event?
I know that God was with me that day. This is how I know: I felt a calm come over me as soon as Faith was born. When they brought her to me, I wasn't hysterical or distressed. When she passed away, I calmly said to the pediatrician, "I think she is gone. Can I move this tube?" Call it shock, maybe the nurses administered me a little something, whatever. I feel that God was with me in my greatest time of need. In the days following, when I felt myself becoming distressed and losing control of myself, I asked God to help me, and He did. I felt a calmness. I had to rely on my faith in God more than I ever had in my life. This is why I'm sure my girl has the perfect name.