my lips are no use when i have no words
so, i sit here...lay her in bed. it is four thirty in the morning. i type out the time because it is to dark to find the numbers.
what is there to say. i could type it all out, but it would make no differance.
i could tell you all these things that i think about, that i do, and say. but would it change a thing other then entertain the reader for a few seconds. show off these writing skills i think i have. or make a mockery of what little i think of my life.
i feel as if every day, i am more ashamed about where i am. that i am letting down...josh.
honestly. thats the only person that i really care what they think of me.
this is not something that i just tripped over. i have felt this way for a long time. i never said it before. something i have tried to ignore. i know this is a slum, and that he cares to much to let me do nothing. he cares to much for me. he knows that if i just apply myself, i could do things. i could move out of this. not this as my house. this as...my world.
my world...
my entire life i have been rejected by normality.
is it normal for a mom to be as in insane as my mom. in some respects yes. there are many differant things that a mom can be insane about. but my mom...has a uniqe blend of ones that really rub me the wrong way. they push me to a point where i forget that she would bassicly do anything for me. and thats sad. i never did good in school. there were some classes i liked, and did ok in. there were some moments where i was doing well. that stopped though. it always does. its not that i gave up. i dont know what it is. honestly.
i look around at my friends. and i see movement. many differt kinds, but it is still movement. around the world. around the country, money, graduation, school. i move around my room, with things. THINGS. i dont mean that to be vauge.
i want to be something more than nothing. i want to smile about me. not for you and what you did, what is happening in your life. i want to smile because i did something, and its going to be something.
i lack pride.
if i had pride in myself, i wouldnt let myself be here. i would make something of myself.
i find it intersting that the new in thing to be is the out thing. who can be the most out there while still being in.
if you truly understand what is happening you would see something. a simple pattern.
the people that got out. are making what is going to be in. its always been that way. but in no way, will they ever be understood untill its all over.
i dont know where that came from. just something i observe.
what the fuck is wrong for me. see if you can sum it up in 5 words or less.
just a normal fuck up.
i guess i am normal after all.
caset
what is there to say. i could type it all out, but it would make no differance.
i could tell you all these things that i think about, that i do, and say. but would it change a thing other then entertain the reader for a few seconds. show off these writing skills i think i have. or make a mockery of what little i think of my life.
i feel as if every day, i am more ashamed about where i am. that i am letting down...josh.
honestly. thats the only person that i really care what they think of me.
this is not something that i just tripped over. i have felt this way for a long time. i never said it before. something i have tried to ignore. i know this is a slum, and that he cares to much to let me do nothing. he cares to much for me. he knows that if i just apply myself, i could do things. i could move out of this. not this as my house. this as...my world.
my world...
my entire life i have been rejected by normality.
is it normal for a mom to be as in insane as my mom. in some respects yes. there are many differant things that a mom can be insane about. but my mom...has a uniqe blend of ones that really rub me the wrong way. they push me to a point where i forget that she would bassicly do anything for me. and thats sad. i never did good in school. there were some classes i liked, and did ok in. there were some moments where i was doing well. that stopped though. it always does. its not that i gave up. i dont know what it is. honestly.
i look around at my friends. and i see movement. many differt kinds, but it is still movement. around the world. around the country, money, graduation, school. i move around my room, with things. THINGS. i dont mean that to be vauge.
i want to be something more than nothing. i want to smile about me. not for you and what you did, what is happening in your life. i want to smile because i did something, and its going to be something.
i lack pride.
if i had pride in myself, i wouldnt let myself be here. i would make something of myself.
i find it intersting that the new in thing to be is the out thing. who can be the most out there while still being in.
if you truly understand what is happening you would see something. a simple pattern.
the people that got out. are making what is going to be in. its always been that way. but in no way, will they ever be understood untill its all over.
i dont know where that came from. just something i observe.
what the fuck is wrong for me. see if you can sum it up in 5 words or less.
just a normal fuck up.
i guess i am normal after all.
caset